I feel very vulnerable right now, having not been able to resolve something in me which I've done all my life. 2 days ago I wrote I felt like a failure since I wasn't able to get my mom to love me when I was young.
Something hit me yesterday, and I was not ok with that answer. It's a very blaming statement, a powerless mindset. A victim mindset. People advocate blaming others, which I've agreed to. But I'm not powerless. I'm seeing my part. I'm trying to own my truth, as uncomfortable as it is.
The failure I feel comes in two parts: what I created myself, and what I've modeled. When I grew up, my mom always felt overloaded, complaining of her troubles, and amplifying it with daily drinking. I identified with her troubles, owning her misery. Our family's foundation was codependency, where we'd trade pieces of love for each other, always expecting (or needing) a return. Nothing was freely given. I remember trying to encourage my mother in our kitchen, but being blown off. Her self disgust was what I thought I could overlook and ignore, but multiple rejections burned me an "I'll fail" mentality. I began ignoring her, out of emotional survival. Shannon's quote of "failure is the path of least resistance" holds true here. I had some happiness in me, but the enmeshed "I feel what you feel" thinking did its damage. For my mom felt like a failure. ......so I did too. And I saw her withdrawal from life, and due to my own unmet needs and fearing more rejection, it looked APPEALING to me. I did this most of my adult life.
I thought about my mom feeling like a failure yesterday. Why'd she just STOP growing? She's told me numerous times how her mom told her she wasn't capable and wouldn't succeed herself. My mom had asked to go to college, but her own mother's beliefs were handed down with disempowering and cutting statements, as she'd not succeeded herself. While I'm just looking at my mom in my mind, she really believed it. Those words cursed her.
Which points to what I modeled. I saw her circling in the same s*** day after day. Her greatest fears were financial, and to this day, paydays and the beginning of the month (for SS) seemed like her ONLY hope. She just sat in her self despising mentality, and I'm uncomfortable around her since she's always NEEDY for something positive. Though she's always had people and opportunities around her, her inherited shame and her lifestyle shame prevented much movement in any way at all. Her whole family were heavy drinkers, and she just modeled this.
I came here to write about myself though. My identity has been heavily tied to my mom's. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I cried heavily while on UD, grieving what I'd lost. And I needed that. The inherited shame held me too, with me feeling like a very young boy all my life. I've even criticized H&C since I felt like I was still playing little league in my adult life. Growing....has been scary. A lot. But men are changing here. I am changing here. I don't always believe in myself, and that's my past trying to pull me back. And also the temptation to ...... hide from life. I see old images while I write, old escapes I desired. If I were to admit any shame, it'd be the old desire to hide from life.
And maybe my desires to improve myself are still desires to "save my family". Which is maybe also why my blood family is so disjointed. Because it's a massive undertaking, which I see all us children have tried to do. And given up on. The only hope I can think of is "change me". And grieve the rest. Thank *** for subliminals.
Something hit me yesterday, and I was not ok with that answer. It's a very blaming statement, a powerless mindset. A victim mindset. People advocate blaming others, which I've agreed to. But I'm not powerless. I'm seeing my part. I'm trying to own my truth, as uncomfortable as it is.
The failure I feel comes in two parts: what I created myself, and what I've modeled. When I grew up, my mom always felt overloaded, complaining of her troubles, and amplifying it with daily drinking. I identified with her troubles, owning her misery. Our family's foundation was codependency, where we'd trade pieces of love for each other, always expecting (or needing) a return. Nothing was freely given. I remember trying to encourage my mother in our kitchen, but being blown off. Her self disgust was what I thought I could overlook and ignore, but multiple rejections burned me an "I'll fail" mentality. I began ignoring her, out of emotional survival. Shannon's quote of "failure is the path of least resistance" holds true here. I had some happiness in me, but the enmeshed "I feel what you feel" thinking did its damage. For my mom felt like a failure. ......so I did too. And I saw her withdrawal from life, and due to my own unmet needs and fearing more rejection, it looked APPEALING to me. I did this most of my adult life.
I thought about my mom feeling like a failure yesterday. Why'd she just STOP growing? She's told me numerous times how her mom told her she wasn't capable and wouldn't succeed herself. My mom had asked to go to college, but her own mother's beliefs were handed down with disempowering and cutting statements, as she'd not succeeded herself. While I'm just looking at my mom in my mind, she really believed it. Those words cursed her.
Which points to what I modeled. I saw her circling in the same s*** day after day. Her greatest fears were financial, and to this day, paydays and the beginning of the month (for SS) seemed like her ONLY hope. She just sat in her self despising mentality, and I'm uncomfortable around her since she's always NEEDY for something positive. Though she's always had people and opportunities around her, her inherited shame and her lifestyle shame prevented much movement in any way at all. Her whole family were heavy drinkers, and she just modeled this.
I came here to write about myself though. My identity has been heavily tied to my mom's. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I cried heavily while on UD, grieving what I'd lost. And I needed that. The inherited shame held me too, with me feeling like a very young boy all my life. I've even criticized H&C since I felt like I was still playing little league in my adult life. Growing....has been scary. A lot. But men are changing here. I am changing here. I don't always believe in myself, and that's my past trying to pull me back. And also the temptation to ...... hide from life. I see old images while I write, old escapes I desired. If I were to admit any shame, it'd be the old desire to hide from life.
And maybe my desires to improve myself are still desires to "save my family". Which is maybe also why my blood family is so disjointed. Because it's a massive undertaking, which I see all us children have tried to do. And given up on. The only hope I can think of is "change me". And grieve the rest. Thank *** for subliminals.
I want to be FREE!
