09-23-2018, 04:22 PM
(09-23-2018, 02:23 AM)findingme Wrote: I just dreamed that I was at my workyard, and I assumed a guy unloading his truck needed help. I jumped in, almost starting, and this guy (never saw his face) reclusively said he didn't need help. He wanted to work alone, but I wanted to be the one who helped him. In the dream, I went back 3 times, like minutes apart. Same response, each time. I felt hurt initially. Anger covered it some since it was safer, but I felt hurt, and then angry, since he wouldn't allow me to help.
This is what I felt when I disagreed last night about the game rules. This is repeating itself in my life.
It was my mom's birthday this week, and I took her to lunch today. It was a safe afternoon since she was not emotionally desperate. I did laundry at her place after we came back from lunch, and we talked. We were discussing something about my brother (which I don't like since it's intellectualized complaining). But while talking to her, I connected the dream I had last night and realized what I'm doing in multiple areas of my life. I am trying not to fail again. I got hot last night since I felt I knew the answer to our problem, and I perceived my friend's stance as possibility that I'd feel like and be a failure (in my emotional thinking), so I fought him, fearing exposure. I did have E2 running on my phone in my pocket, so this is why I was triggered.
I shared this with my mom, and she asked what I felt I'd failed at. I was purposefully vague, since the truth is I felt like a failure trying to get her to love me when I was young. I said it was about "issues while growing up", pointing no blame at her. This is not hers to change anyways. It's mine now.
Failing. I felt like a failure, I thought it my shameful identity, often followed by some mad rush to show it's not true. Even tonight, driving home, I put on OP 4G, it motivated me, and I've been thinking "MLS? AM6? UMOP?" considering they all have a focus on OP. Procrastination, for me, has been a hideout all my life. I've jumped into businesses expecting the initial rush to sustain and motivate me, and the shame I was trying to hide began peeking out in days, killing all motivation and drive. I'd feel really bad and speak no more about that business, equating it with feeling like a failure.
What could I do?
I know I'm going to finish 90 days of E2. I'm having to learn to live in the knowledge that this belief......is actually being worked on by E2.
I began OP 4G when I got home, but turned it off after 20 minutes. I'm running E2 now. I just don't want to clean my room
I want to be FREE!
