I'm slowly realizing the main emotional pattern I've been in. I realized part of this just 20 minutes ago, in the shower.
I've continually tried to hand responsibility for myself over to others, and readers here on the forum have been my most recent targets. I've been at work, acting responsible (when mostly it's a fear of others rejecting me), and I've come home and maybe 3 out of 7 days will get "high" on 2-3 cups of strong coffee and sugar. I feel the internal separation, the self-loathing happening, and I've often come here in some emotional "crisis".
I've been trying and hoping someone would "save" me from..........me being responsible for me.
For one, I'm home and have not had coffee. I did have a big cup of chocolate milk and ate a bag of homemade brownies, so the pattern is active. I'd been accepting I've felt like garbage when coming home, and caffeine is nothing more than a suppressant of my awareness, so I skipped coffee, seeking peace.
I've also been looking objectively at my next sub choice. I loved UD, but its affects were totally unplanned, and there were clear times I wasn't sure what was being worked on. During that time, I kept looking for other subs to stimulate my thinking, and I purchased MLS 5.5. I've only used it maybe 4 times, 2 days tops. I was looking for something to let me ignore my inner fears. I looked to distract myself. I bought ARA and SE in a similar mindset, and I used SE for about a month. I've used ARA periodically, even using it for an ITM sub today when I got home. I knew my anxiousness was rising, thinking I'd do the same thing I'd done in days past (caffeine overload). I'm not caffeinated now; maybe it works. I'm not "high", just here.
I'm telling my truth now, and I feel LOUD. I've tried, like a kid, to not be responsible for me, and THAT is what is STRESSING me. I remembered AM6. Though it's no emotional scrub brush, it does promote taking responsibility for myself. AM6 needs no promotion. It's just a damn effective sub, with time. I'm just scared, likely since I feel vulnerable now.
I'm asking for insight, for my emotional pattern is "keep finding the subs with least resistance and run them". Being here, running E2, and not feeling like I'm flushing out my stuff (meaning I'm not crying a lot), is my reason I'm uncomfortable.
Is this an insight? Keeping all this emotion in me is building up, and a few tears just came through. I remember DavisMind91 saying he sees in almost every E2 run someone has a breakdown. I've not had one. Maybe one is coming.
I'd just imagined being cold and emotionless on AM6. That is why I've looked at UD again, for I know I'll shed tears on it.
I just thought taking responsibility for myself equalled not feeling. I'm a little overloaded, so I'll stop now.
Edit: I've considered LTU 5.5, but I realize......it is an escape tactic to avoid facing painful realities. I'm comparing it to AM6, which is 5G. 5.5 is a lot faster and easier than any 5g sub I've used.
I've continually tried to hand responsibility for myself over to others, and readers here on the forum have been my most recent targets. I've been at work, acting responsible (when mostly it's a fear of others rejecting me), and I've come home and maybe 3 out of 7 days will get "high" on 2-3 cups of strong coffee and sugar. I feel the internal separation, the self-loathing happening, and I've often come here in some emotional "crisis".
I've been trying and hoping someone would "save" me from..........me being responsible for me.
For one, I'm home and have not had coffee. I did have a big cup of chocolate milk and ate a bag of homemade brownies, so the pattern is active. I'd been accepting I've felt like garbage when coming home, and caffeine is nothing more than a suppressant of my awareness, so I skipped coffee, seeking peace.
I've also been looking objectively at my next sub choice. I loved UD, but its affects were totally unplanned, and there were clear times I wasn't sure what was being worked on. During that time, I kept looking for other subs to stimulate my thinking, and I purchased MLS 5.5. I've only used it maybe 4 times, 2 days tops. I was looking for something to let me ignore my inner fears. I looked to distract myself. I bought ARA and SE in a similar mindset, and I used SE for about a month. I've used ARA periodically, even using it for an ITM sub today when I got home. I knew my anxiousness was rising, thinking I'd do the same thing I'd done in days past (caffeine overload). I'm not caffeinated now; maybe it works. I'm not "high", just here.
I'm telling my truth now, and I feel LOUD. I've tried, like a kid, to not be responsible for me, and THAT is what is STRESSING me. I remembered AM6. Though it's no emotional scrub brush, it does promote taking responsibility for myself. AM6 needs no promotion. It's just a damn effective sub, with time. I'm just scared, likely since I feel vulnerable now.
I'm asking for insight, for my emotional pattern is "keep finding the subs with least resistance and run them". Being here, running E2, and not feeling like I'm flushing out my stuff (meaning I'm not crying a lot), is my reason I'm uncomfortable.
Is this an insight? Keeping all this emotion in me is building up, and a few tears just came through. I remember DavisMind91 saying he sees in almost every E2 run someone has a breakdown. I've not had one. Maybe one is coming.
I'd just imagined being cold and emotionless on AM6. That is why I've looked at UD again, for I know I'll shed tears on it.
I just thought taking responsibility for myself equalled not feeling. I'm a little overloaded, so I'll stop now.
Edit: I've considered LTU 5.5, but I realize......it is an escape tactic to avoid facing painful realities. I'm comparing it to AM6, which is 5G. 5.5 is a lot faster and easier than any 5g sub I've used.
I want to be FREE!