Why do I feel shame when I'm honest? I'm fearing I'll be rejected (edit: and feel SHAME).
Why is being rejected so fearful? I've constantly, constantly tried to hide from old memories (of shame) I had and felt while growing up. I felt that Mom not loving me meant I was bad. (I feel shame just thinking about my past) I don't share it since that is such a part of my life and I thought I was stuck with it forever.
Why would that be the only possibility? Why? I've tried to have constants in my life. For a number of years, it was one career (teaching) I was in. Hanging onto that feeling had me think I was secure from emotional dangers like rejection and such.
I'll ask again. Why would that be the ONLY possibility? What other possibilities are there?
We'll get to that. We're digging now. I care about you.
Ugghh.
Why didn't (hiding from shame) work? Damn. I felt like a failure in the midst of success since I was hiding my truth around others. I hated the lying and hiding (since I constantly felt shame). I haven't returned to teaching mainly since I equated it with me lying. (I equate that fear very closely with shame)
Why am I still hiding? Fear (of being handcuffed by shame) became my constant. I held to what was familiar, and that constant was always fear, and isolation with it. I knew me was hidden under it, and I didn't want to lose me. Fear had some reason for being there. I thought that since it hooked me up with the hurting, fearful, little guy inside me.
Do you still desire fear? Do you still wish to hide? Yes, at times. But absolutely not if I had a steady, healthy dose of LOVE to replace it with. I've considered going back on UD after my E2 run since it morphs itself to what each person needs. My one big fear is "what will people here think of me?" I imagine people are thinking I'm a H/C junkie here. But I want to be free.
Why is being free something to be ashamed of? You're moving forward now.
I'm not sure. I want to be free.
Why is being rejected so fearful? I've constantly, constantly tried to hide from old memories (of shame) I had and felt while growing up. I felt that Mom not loving me meant I was bad. (I feel shame just thinking about my past) I don't share it since that is such a part of my life and I thought I was stuck with it forever.
Why would that be the only possibility? Why? I've tried to have constants in my life. For a number of years, it was one career (teaching) I was in. Hanging onto that feeling had me think I was secure from emotional dangers like rejection and such.
I'll ask again. Why would that be the ONLY possibility? What other possibilities are there?
We'll get to that. We're digging now. I care about you.
Ugghh.
Why didn't (hiding from shame) work? Damn. I felt like a failure in the midst of success since I was hiding my truth around others. I hated the lying and hiding (since I constantly felt shame). I haven't returned to teaching mainly since I equated it with me lying. (I equate that fear very closely with shame)
Why am I still hiding? Fear (of being handcuffed by shame) became my constant. I held to what was familiar, and that constant was always fear, and isolation with it. I knew me was hidden under it, and I didn't want to lose me. Fear had some reason for being there. I thought that since it hooked me up with the hurting, fearful, little guy inside me.
Do you still desire fear? Do you still wish to hide? Yes, at times. But absolutely not if I had a steady, healthy dose of LOVE to replace it with. I've considered going back on UD after my E2 run since it morphs itself to what each person needs. My one big fear is "what will people here think of me?" I imagine people are thinking I'm a H/C junkie here. But I want to be free.
Why is being free something to be ashamed of? You're moving forward now.
I'm not sure. I want to be free.
I want to be FREE!
