09-11-2018, 03:02 PM
I took a shower after writing my last post (2 posts back). I still felt angry, and I did what I've always done: I've tried to have it make sense.
NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.
And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.
I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.
While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while
But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.
I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.
The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!
The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.
And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)
I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.
NO! That's not true. I tried to get revenge in my mind, and I had some evil thoughts. My mind jumped from Ghandi to Hitler, meaning both showed anger, but some were sicker. Or........they thought they were smarter. I worked in a state prison for over 2 years........and I saw something, which actually clicked while showering. When smart people get angry, some plan on how to get revenge. I saw this in one guy who was incredibly artistic, as smart people are often very creative. His outside "solutions" got him locked up for many years. I don't know his crime.
And then my mind went to Hitler. Who began as a school teacher. Very intelligent. I have never studied him (for I feel fear of finding similarities), but it takes a level of brilliance to persuade an entire country to follow one's beliefs. I do not think he was healthy at all mentally, but I believe he was intelligent. That intelligence killed millions of people, IMO, for power. Angry people (me talking now) have sought power. I've sought power.
I'll turn my focus on home now, as I'm seeking to find my answer.
While growing up, my mom (I thought) was the only one allowed to be angry. She'd blow up, attempting to disempower our youthful ambitions, yet I now think she only wanted power over us. She reeked powerlessness in my teen years, maybe since I wasn't about fighting her, and she turned incredibly needy at times. Even when I married, I thought making peace was the greatest thing I could do. I did feel demasculated after a while
But anger, I thought, was used to defeat, discourage, and demoralize people. To this day, I still lock up emotionally when I hear the marriage vocabulary "assertiveness training". I've never done such classes, for I feared losing MORE of myself. For I saved my ass by letting my wife dominate; but I felt like I'd sold my soul. Owwww. Though it was hidden, I was in a constant state of saving something (anything!) in me that my wife wouldn't judge. I kept some power by not communicating ME. I hid me to have some true sense of myself. It was a ****** up way of relating. But since it was normal for her too, it worked.....until I began waking up. Another story there.
I've noticed my quick replies at work of "OK!", "Thank you!", and other emotional lies I've said to people I've been intimidated by. I acted and felt the same way when married. I....sold my being while married, and I'm doing the same now.
The problem is NOT the JOB. It's ME!
The only thing I can hope for presently is something is about to break through. I began crying shortly about 30 minutes ago.........I'd turned on 80's rock on Pandora, heard ol' BonJovi and Def Leopard, and began remembering and missing old times. Ok, **** it, I'm sharing this since it's MY truth. I remember thinking and hoping someone would come and rescue me from my mom in my teens. All my brothers and sister had left, and I was the new "saviour", I presumed. To save my ass, I always made sure I agreed with her. Due to believing her lies, I became a hermit too. She was scared then, and still is. I adopted this, and believed it: Life is SCARY. I thought someone else would come and take it away. Maybe.....I still waited and hoped my brother would come back (the BRAVE one!) and we'd be kids again. For adults were needy and unable to care for themselves.
And as I've been on E2, I've been growing, feeling more like an adult. But......adults strove for power in my house. They used anger hurtfully, never helpfully. Anger has had a bad name, for myself, for a long time. I'm not sure exactly where I'm going now, but I am trying to say this. It's an old belief of mine: (Me getting angry = fearfulness in me)
I'm on E2 until Halloween. Feels like stuff is ripping up in me presently.
I want to be FREE!
