09-11-2018, 12:17 PM
I had an experience today which I saw differently than in the past. I felt judged, but my outlook and interpretation of it is not so desperate like it was even 3 months back.
My work area at my job is in the same area of the guy who started in my position about 2 years ago, so I spent about an hour with him before I clocked out. He works a later shift than I, so he'd only been in an hour when I was cleaning up to go.
In short, I felt judged (again) while he gave me advice on how to handle new temp workers, and it wasn't partially focused on poor experiences, it was completely focused on how people would lie, manipulate, slack off, and challenge me. He's believed I needed to be assertive, but he's never seen me lead people (really??). So, I knew he was judging me once again. In months back, I would have felt he was seeing me accurately and began judging myself harshly, even dodging him to avoid feeling like shit.
I just didn't agree with his outlook today. He seemed to be talking to someone else since I could not relate and connect with this fearful, powerless person he saw. I never spoke up about it, for lately I've seen that in a few people, and I know they don't talk to hear people. Some talk to air their own beliefs only. Maybe that's just me saving my ass, but I truly did not want to be invalidated, so I didn't reply to him. I just stood, looked him in the eyes (since his were all over the place), and it felt like he was talking about some imaginary person in his head.
And about 20 minutes after his "advice", I wondered if he was projecting all his insecurities on me. He's the same skinny build, very smart, and geeky like me, so I wondered......does he see parts of himself in me? Parts he doesn't like, so he's "fixing them" via me? I just wondered.
I'm writing since an anger has remained in me. I am the normally quiet guy who's been an easy target for loud, insecure people. I'm looking at AM6 for this, as I've often equated standing up for myself to men with being ready to physically fight. (I've never been in a real fight, honestly) And I know and believe Shannon did not build AM6 with such insecurity himself. I'd like to just speak up clearly and calmly when being talked down to. I felt talked down to by the guy today--well, since I keep replaying it in my mind.
I wonder "how does one win when people ASSUME wrongly about me?"
Just thinking about that, I thought "speak up".
My work area at my job is in the same area of the guy who started in my position about 2 years ago, so I spent about an hour with him before I clocked out. He works a later shift than I, so he'd only been in an hour when I was cleaning up to go.
In short, I felt judged (again) while he gave me advice on how to handle new temp workers, and it wasn't partially focused on poor experiences, it was completely focused on how people would lie, manipulate, slack off, and challenge me. He's believed I needed to be assertive, but he's never seen me lead people (really??). So, I knew he was judging me once again. In months back, I would have felt he was seeing me accurately and began judging myself harshly, even dodging him to avoid feeling like shit.
I just didn't agree with his outlook today. He seemed to be talking to someone else since I could not relate and connect with this fearful, powerless person he saw. I never spoke up about it, for lately I've seen that in a few people, and I know they don't talk to hear people. Some talk to air their own beliefs only. Maybe that's just me saving my ass, but I truly did not want to be invalidated, so I didn't reply to him. I just stood, looked him in the eyes (since his were all over the place), and it felt like he was talking about some imaginary person in his head.
And about 20 minutes after his "advice", I wondered if he was projecting all his insecurities on me. He's the same skinny build, very smart, and geeky like me, so I wondered......does he see parts of himself in me? Parts he doesn't like, so he's "fixing them" via me? I just wondered.
I'm writing since an anger has remained in me. I am the normally quiet guy who's been an easy target for loud, insecure people. I'm looking at AM6 for this, as I've often equated standing up for myself to men with being ready to physically fight. (I've never been in a real fight, honestly) And I know and believe Shannon did not build AM6 with such insecurity himself. I'd like to just speak up clearly and calmly when being talked down to. I felt talked down to by the guy today--well, since I keep replaying it in my mind.
I wonder "how does one win when people ASSUME wrongly about me?"
Just thinking about that, I thought "speak up".
I want to be FREE!
