09-03-2018, 09:32 AM
Were I younger, I'd just accept this. I'd constantly "guess" what my mom's needs were, hoping I was right. I'd also take blame if she didn't like something.
F that! This sick thinking of unspoken expectations and guilt trips are really bothering me.
10 minutes ago, my oldest brother called from my mom's house. I don't like him in his deceptiveness, so I let it go to voicemail. He texted me, wondering if I needed to be picked up since it's raining. I said I didn't need that. I added that she'd told me she needed me in the afternoon, but hadn't been specific. He said "we need to leave by 4". Without much thought I quickly replied (feeling annoyed) "Mom's not let me know what else she needs or when she needs me. Until she communicates, I'm here"
No reply has come.
I am feeling annoyed by the set up guilt foundation in my family, of the anger and shaming if not able to read their minds, of what I see I've lived in my whole life: "we lie to ourselves constantly so we remain safe. Honesty is not good, especially with ourselves. Everything is FINE..."
I let a lot my life go by expecting good, desirable, and beneficial choices and changes, and I am pained with the present standard.
This could sound like I'm acting superior. Compared to that standard, hell yes. Nothing works functionally in that setting. I'll name E2 as the instigator in this, for it's aimed at helping me make sane decisions, and I'd done the same things they did, uncomfortably.
I need to own something though. I have old pain which has been bubbling lately, and it's coming forward. I read some story this morning of a daughter cleaning up her deceased mom's house. While alive, her mom was cold and harsh. She was stone cold. But she left something for her daughter which she found during cleaning, a quilt, and I cried freely reading it. The quilt connected them and made the daughter feel really, really loved.
I cried since I've wanted this too. I've wanted that. I've really wanted that.
When I look at my Mom, the chaos seems favored over peace since (in my own experience), when it quiets down, internal pain gets louder. She likes the former it seems, and I am not in control of that. When I first began E2 almost 2 years back, I thought I might "help" her make decisions which......I wanted. It didn't happen. When I'm over, I succumb to the constant chaos since my voices are saying "I failed". And I'm angered quickly lately when I'm asked to come over. For me, I've been kicking my own ass, and her requests to come over have been instantly pissing me off. But that's why. I always thought I could rescue Mom. My major in college, psychology, was in part motivated by that. I also know the adult logic and reasoning of why it isn't possible.
But the hurting kid in me is coming out, and he's angry. He's vulnerable. And if he were met with love, he'd crumble into tears. He just wants love. I want love. I need that.
Got a call from Mom just now. She apologized for not communicating to me. She asked if I was ok today, and I replied I'm working through it (something like that). No tension between her and I. The tension and sadness is in me, which I didn't share. I instantly imagined not being listened to if I shared.
Why do I hold on to anger?
It keeps me safe. The hurt kid inside needed and still needs safety.
Edit: I re-read what I wrote above. ...... I'm doing, and thinking, the very same things she's doing and thinking. And all of this is about changing me. Oh yeah...... Sounds dumb admitting that........ but I've had that rescuer hat on for a long time. E2 helps me change me, not me change her. Easy does it findingme.....
F that! This sick thinking of unspoken expectations and guilt trips are really bothering me.
10 minutes ago, my oldest brother called from my mom's house. I don't like him in his deceptiveness, so I let it go to voicemail. He texted me, wondering if I needed to be picked up since it's raining. I said I didn't need that. I added that she'd told me she needed me in the afternoon, but hadn't been specific. He said "we need to leave by 4". Without much thought I quickly replied (feeling annoyed) "Mom's not let me know what else she needs or when she needs me. Until she communicates, I'm here"
No reply has come.
I am feeling annoyed by the set up guilt foundation in my family, of the anger and shaming if not able to read their minds, of what I see I've lived in my whole life: "we lie to ourselves constantly so we remain safe. Honesty is not good, especially with ourselves. Everything is FINE..."
I let a lot my life go by expecting good, desirable, and beneficial choices and changes, and I am pained with the present standard.
This could sound like I'm acting superior. Compared to that standard, hell yes. Nothing works functionally in that setting. I'll name E2 as the instigator in this, for it's aimed at helping me make sane decisions, and I'd done the same things they did, uncomfortably.
I need to own something though. I have old pain which has been bubbling lately, and it's coming forward. I read some story this morning of a daughter cleaning up her deceased mom's house. While alive, her mom was cold and harsh. She was stone cold. But she left something for her daughter which she found during cleaning, a quilt, and I cried freely reading it. The quilt connected them and made the daughter feel really, really loved.
I cried since I've wanted this too. I've wanted that. I've really wanted that.
When I look at my Mom, the chaos seems favored over peace since (in my own experience), when it quiets down, internal pain gets louder. She likes the former it seems, and I am not in control of that. When I first began E2 almost 2 years back, I thought I might "help" her make decisions which......I wanted. It didn't happen. When I'm over, I succumb to the constant chaos since my voices are saying "I failed". And I'm angered quickly lately when I'm asked to come over. For me, I've been kicking my own ass, and her requests to come over have been instantly pissing me off. But that's why. I always thought I could rescue Mom. My major in college, psychology, was in part motivated by that. I also know the adult logic and reasoning of why it isn't possible.
But the hurting kid in me is coming out, and he's angry. He's vulnerable. And if he were met with love, he'd crumble into tears. He just wants love. I want love. I need that.
Got a call from Mom just now. She apologized for not communicating to me. She asked if I was ok today, and I replied I'm working through it (something like that). No tension between her and I. The tension and sadness is in me, which I didn't share. I instantly imagined not being listened to if I shared.
Why do I hold on to anger?
It keeps me safe. The hurt kid inside needed and still needs safety.
Edit: I re-read what I wrote above. ...... I'm doing, and thinking, the very same things she's doing and thinking. And all of this is about changing me. Oh yeah...... Sounds dumb admitting that........ but I've had that rescuer hat on for a long time. E2 helps me change me, not me change her. Easy does it findingme.....
I want to be FREE!
