Something clicked yesterday, a manifestation of what I'd been thinking about. Something showed up while driving, and I'm proud I noticed it.
I was driving my scooter on a main road, and I used that road on my motorcycle 30 years ago. Since my scooter is less stable than a motorcycle (smaller tires), I had to be very aware since cars were packed on this six-lane highway. I've noticed I can drift left or right quickly, and thinking like a car driver, if I saw someone drifting, I'd think they were not paying attention, or they didn't know how to control the bike. So I held tightly to my lane to not spook drivers.
I also noticed I had been in a lazy mindset, having slept in to stay with my mom at the hospital vs. going to work. I've ridden motorcycles or scooters over a decade collectively, and I've felt secure driving since I take it very seriously. But yesterday, in a matter of minutes, something clicked. While driving this busy road, I relaxed mentally for a second. I drifted right, and it spooked me--it happened so fast. And I tried to be lazy mentally just a minute later, and this is when I saw it.
Instead of paying attention and planning my own moves like I normally do, I looked at the car in front of me and just sleepily "followed". This is something I never do on a bike since car drivers LOVE to tailgate each other, and they constantly tap their brakes, even at high speeds. I put myself in danger since I always keep distance since cars behind a brake tapping motorcyclist will fall way back. We can stop much sooner than any 4-wheeler, and a rear-end could end us. I always give myself lots of space behind vehicles, and in my sleepiness I realized I was closer than I was comfortable with. It's not something to take lightly, not on a bike.
This is what clicked. When I follow everyone else lazily through life, I'm being a lazy "sheeple". It's the mentality "everyone else is doing it, so I will too". But when I plan and decide for myself purposely, I can and do feel safe. I am responsible for my own choices, and I am responsible for my actions. Blaming someone else isn't even a desired option, for...do I want to succeed in my quest, or do I want to be the anxious, nervous, "other people are responsible for me" kind of person? For my own peace of mind and sanity, I want the first.
Me and my mom were talking about this yesterday, and I'd not thought of me driving. But seeing that was so real. When I just follow along, I endanger myself.
This is touching me emotionally, for I have been unhappy in life for many years. All to earn people's love. I thought if I did what they wanted, I'd feel loved. And other people's love can be fickle.
This is sticking with me.
I was driving my scooter on a main road, and I used that road on my motorcycle 30 years ago. Since my scooter is less stable than a motorcycle (smaller tires), I had to be very aware since cars were packed on this six-lane highway. I've noticed I can drift left or right quickly, and thinking like a car driver, if I saw someone drifting, I'd think they were not paying attention, or they didn't know how to control the bike. So I held tightly to my lane to not spook drivers.
I also noticed I had been in a lazy mindset, having slept in to stay with my mom at the hospital vs. going to work. I've ridden motorcycles or scooters over a decade collectively, and I've felt secure driving since I take it very seriously. But yesterday, in a matter of minutes, something clicked. While driving this busy road, I relaxed mentally for a second. I drifted right, and it spooked me--it happened so fast. And I tried to be lazy mentally just a minute later, and this is when I saw it.
Instead of paying attention and planning my own moves like I normally do, I looked at the car in front of me and just sleepily "followed". This is something I never do on a bike since car drivers LOVE to tailgate each other, and they constantly tap their brakes, even at high speeds. I put myself in danger since I always keep distance since cars behind a brake tapping motorcyclist will fall way back. We can stop much sooner than any 4-wheeler, and a rear-end could end us. I always give myself lots of space behind vehicles, and in my sleepiness I realized I was closer than I was comfortable with. It's not something to take lightly, not on a bike.
This is what clicked. When I follow everyone else lazily through life, I'm being a lazy "sheeple". It's the mentality "everyone else is doing it, so I will too". But when I plan and decide for myself purposely, I can and do feel safe. I am responsible for my own choices, and I am responsible for my actions. Blaming someone else isn't even a desired option, for...do I want to succeed in my quest, or do I want to be the anxious, nervous, "other people are responsible for me" kind of person? For my own peace of mind and sanity, I want the first.
Me and my mom were talking about this yesterday, and I'd not thought of me driving. But seeing that was so real. When I just follow along, I endanger myself.
This is touching me emotionally, for I have been unhappy in life for many years. All to earn people's love. I thought if I did what they wanted, I'd feel loved. And other people's love can be fickle.
This is sticking with me.
I want to be FREE!
