Okay. New circumstances for me.
My mom had been recovering from broken bones at home, and I was told by my brother he took her to the hospital two days ago since she feared she was having a heart attack. This has happened before so I did not react and panic. I did not even go to the hospital.
Then, yesterday my other brother and sister both called and texted me, both with their interpretations that she might die instantly. I was at work so I can only read texts. I realized I was quite reluctant to be involved, so I challenged myself since she could die. When I told my older co-worker and we were not finished with our route, he changed directions immediately. He was very supportive. His own mom and dad had died 6 months apart while working at this company, and we headed on back to the shop. I was more touched by the support of co-workers than anything else. Even a younger worker called me when I was at the hospital last night since his own mom died recently. That made me cry.
But what I realized about myself showed up before I got there. I've been judging my brothers and sister for years. I've been judging and judging more, hoping to punish them, and making myself miserable, when I feel and think about it. I was going to hospital, knowing they butt heads incredibly and regularly, and I was very discontent with this. I'd imagined walking out were I confronted with Incredible stupidity. I'd made myself a victim in imagined scenarios. Poor me. Embarrassing to share this, but it's true.
Nothing like that happened at all. Only my two brothers were there, and they constantly battled for control, but they had a level of inhibition that I did not expect. We were there for Mom, not ourselves, and that perspective took the front seat. My brothers actually worked together pretty well.
My mom was very incoherent and agitated, being on both drugs and steroids. I was actually witnessing how my brothers cared for her. I was distant much of the time, like a spectator. I sat there checking myself, comparing my judgmental disgust with imagined caring for her. I actually feared living out the first extreme, which I've been doing. I've always blamed other people for outcomes. This Left Me Irresponsible, and I held on to this reality.
I'm finding it hurts more to stay there. And I'm not feeling okay about that. I've made this world which protects me, but still hurts me and everyone else. And damn it I'm no victim. I'm looking for some big solution in my mind and heart, but I know the solution lies in little actions and messages. So I'm not going to try to find Solutions sitting here. I'll go see her today and see what happens.
My mom had been recovering from broken bones at home, and I was told by my brother he took her to the hospital two days ago since she feared she was having a heart attack. This has happened before so I did not react and panic. I did not even go to the hospital.
Then, yesterday my other brother and sister both called and texted me, both with their interpretations that she might die instantly. I was at work so I can only read texts. I realized I was quite reluctant to be involved, so I challenged myself since she could die. When I told my older co-worker and we were not finished with our route, he changed directions immediately. He was very supportive. His own mom and dad had died 6 months apart while working at this company, and we headed on back to the shop. I was more touched by the support of co-workers than anything else. Even a younger worker called me when I was at the hospital last night since his own mom died recently. That made me cry.
But what I realized about myself showed up before I got there. I've been judging my brothers and sister for years. I've been judging and judging more, hoping to punish them, and making myself miserable, when I feel and think about it. I was going to hospital, knowing they butt heads incredibly and regularly, and I was very discontent with this. I'd imagined walking out were I confronted with Incredible stupidity. I'd made myself a victim in imagined scenarios. Poor me. Embarrassing to share this, but it's true.
Nothing like that happened at all. Only my two brothers were there, and they constantly battled for control, but they had a level of inhibition that I did not expect. We were there for Mom, not ourselves, and that perspective took the front seat. My brothers actually worked together pretty well.
My mom was very incoherent and agitated, being on both drugs and steroids. I was actually witnessing how my brothers cared for her. I was distant much of the time, like a spectator. I sat there checking myself, comparing my judgmental disgust with imagined caring for her. I actually feared living out the first extreme, which I've been doing. I've always blamed other people for outcomes. This Left Me Irresponsible, and I held on to this reality.
I'm finding it hurts more to stay there. And I'm not feeling okay about that. I've made this world which protects me, but still hurts me and everyone else. And damn it I'm no victim. I'm looking for some big solution in my mind and heart, but I know the solution lies in little actions and messages. So I'm not going to try to find Solutions sitting here. I'll go see her today and see what happens.
I want to be FREE!
