08-24-2018, 04:08 PM
I'm growing. I am uncertain exactly where, and even why.
For example, I worked alongside a veteran driver I've worked with a number of times who is pretty self-serving. I was assertive today, standing up for myself since he uses an old, very noisy truck, and insists on turning the radio louder so he can hear his talk radio. Let it be known that since he's pretty selfish and unwilling to cooperate, I've worn earplugs the entire time I ride with him this last year.
He usually leaves the radio low. But once it's newstime (top of the hour) he cranks it up. I had good earplugs in, and my eardrums were pounding. I asked him to turn it down some. He did, which I'd not expected. And he'd regularly slip it back up within 5 minutes. I spoke up again (having played this out in my head numerous times). Like a child, he tried to put the problem on me, raising his voice, like my earplugs weren't working.
I yelled "YOU'RE DEAF!! I'M NOT!!" He complied, but I stayed pissed a while. I felt like I was with a defiant teenager demanding his way.
What was strange (for me) was when we arrived back at the shop, I thought of men or boys arguing fiercely, but 20 minutes later dropping it, like nothing personal had happened. It felt good, and not bitter. I don't like the guy's selfishness, but I held no grudges upon leaving the truck. That's different.
I've been thinking of changes which would come using AM6, and asserting oneself is part of it. So, I did. And the emotional side didn't feel sorry for myself. My anger kept it away.
On feeling sorry for myself, while driving home, I turned on E2 on my phone. While alone, I realized I was trying to persuade myself to fall in that mindset. I realized some part of me was looking for old, known habits which were my norm at different times in my life. I just didn't want to--it takes so much energy trying to paint that "poor me" picture, with unhappy results. I didn't go there.
Something I need to tag on is that I realized I wrote yesterday about me hiding in success.......well, I'm not so sure that's true. I found words which fit at the time, but my feelings today said I sounded like I was looking for permission to do a sob story. Damn, it's true. I wanted validation, even though my argument was not really valid. I do have some fears, but calling all temporary fears reality is.......just not true. Still learning, still growing.
For example, I worked alongside a veteran driver I've worked with a number of times who is pretty self-serving. I was assertive today, standing up for myself since he uses an old, very noisy truck, and insists on turning the radio louder so he can hear his talk radio. Let it be known that since he's pretty selfish and unwilling to cooperate, I've worn earplugs the entire time I ride with him this last year.
He usually leaves the radio low. But once it's newstime (top of the hour) he cranks it up. I had good earplugs in, and my eardrums were pounding. I asked him to turn it down some. He did, which I'd not expected. And he'd regularly slip it back up within 5 minutes. I spoke up again (having played this out in my head numerous times). Like a child, he tried to put the problem on me, raising his voice, like my earplugs weren't working.
I yelled "YOU'RE DEAF!! I'M NOT!!" He complied, but I stayed pissed a while. I felt like I was with a defiant teenager demanding his way.
What was strange (for me) was when we arrived back at the shop, I thought of men or boys arguing fiercely, but 20 minutes later dropping it, like nothing personal had happened. It felt good, and not bitter. I don't like the guy's selfishness, but I held no grudges upon leaving the truck. That's different.
I've been thinking of changes which would come using AM6, and asserting oneself is part of it. So, I did. And the emotional side didn't feel sorry for myself. My anger kept it away.
On feeling sorry for myself, while driving home, I turned on E2 on my phone. While alone, I realized I was trying to persuade myself to fall in that mindset. I realized some part of me was looking for old, known habits which were my norm at different times in my life. I just didn't want to--it takes so much energy trying to paint that "poor me" picture, with unhappy results. I didn't go there.
Something I need to tag on is that I realized I wrote yesterday about me hiding in success.......well, I'm not so sure that's true. I found words which fit at the time, but my feelings today said I sounded like I was looking for permission to do a sob story. Damn, it's true. I wanted validation, even though my argument was not really valid. I do have some fears, but calling all temporary fears reality is.......just not true. Still learning, still growing.
I want to be FREE!
