I've not felt so emotionally sensitive for a while. I listened to E2 a couple of hours today while at work, and I thought I may feel some old sadness or memories may come up. What came up I'd not expected. I'll share what happened.
I've been sought to fill a position at my job starting 2 Mondays from now, and upon arriving back at the yard to head home, the previous worker for this position approached me. He clarified some things, and he shared something I simply reacted to.
He shared low key, but like it was fact, that he'd been told he had to keep an eye on me since I have "fallen out" before. (WHAT? This was news to me!) I asked for more info, but he said that was all he knew. My reaction was I told another driver close to us "I just learned that I've fallen out here! It's news to me!" He dismissed it and continued his duties, so it stopped there. But I felt offended, like people only have guts to assume something but never--absolutely never--will they talk to me about this. I've withheld outward response to this, yet it pisses me off. It really does. Rant time.
I'm pissed since I work for a company/branch that will watch you and keep tabs on you, but never tell you, nor discuss anything. I feel violated--disrespected since they won't care enough to ask about it or check their thinking. It's breeding grounds for feeling powerless, and the guy who did this position right before me left for that very reason. He'd done major machinery work in another state, but came here and was told literally by the head boss when he requested a different position, "You're not going anywhere. You'll be in that position until I retire". Yes, he's an a**hole.
And to wrap up my day--right with my anger surfacing, #2 boss stops me before I leave. He says I'm actually starting tomorrow in my position. Not bad news, but my mood's stayed.
I'll share what happened the last time I felt like this. I wrote something in Shannon's journal, and Ben made some jest remark. I was honest, and I told Ben I felt hurt and angry. It was silent for a few hours on the journal, and a number of hours later, I owned my shit and shared I'd overreacted. Ben responded he realized I was going through something. And I was, for only a few hours.
About "falling out": when I first began UD, I remember feeling woozy when talking with a mechanic one day, and his facial expression showed it. That was a year ago. However, lately I've been drinking more coffee, which is resistance. Since I work outdoors, it dehydrates me, and I've felt dizzy a number of times. It does piss me off that people watch, but don't care to talk about this "concern". In my anger, it breeds a "you don't care? Why should I?" at work.
It feels similar to me feeling "used". Like I'm used for their monetary benefit ONLY. Why the f*** would they care about someone? F*** them!
Rant done. F*** them!
I've been sought to fill a position at my job starting 2 Mondays from now, and upon arriving back at the yard to head home, the previous worker for this position approached me. He clarified some things, and he shared something I simply reacted to.
He shared low key, but like it was fact, that he'd been told he had to keep an eye on me since I have "fallen out" before. (WHAT? This was news to me!) I asked for more info, but he said that was all he knew. My reaction was I told another driver close to us "I just learned that I've fallen out here! It's news to me!" He dismissed it and continued his duties, so it stopped there. But I felt offended, like people only have guts to assume something but never--absolutely never--will they talk to me about this. I've withheld outward response to this, yet it pisses me off. It really does. Rant time.
I'm pissed since I work for a company/branch that will watch you and keep tabs on you, but never tell you, nor discuss anything. I feel violated--disrespected since they won't care enough to ask about it or check their thinking. It's breeding grounds for feeling powerless, and the guy who did this position right before me left for that very reason. He'd done major machinery work in another state, but came here and was told literally by the head boss when he requested a different position, "You're not going anywhere. You'll be in that position until I retire". Yes, he's an a**hole.
And to wrap up my day--right with my anger surfacing, #2 boss stops me before I leave. He says I'm actually starting tomorrow in my position. Not bad news, but my mood's stayed.
I'll share what happened the last time I felt like this. I wrote something in Shannon's journal, and Ben made some jest remark. I was honest, and I told Ben I felt hurt and angry. It was silent for a few hours on the journal, and a number of hours later, I owned my shit and shared I'd overreacted. Ben responded he realized I was going through something. And I was, for only a few hours.
About "falling out": when I first began UD, I remember feeling woozy when talking with a mechanic one day, and his facial expression showed it. That was a year ago. However, lately I've been drinking more coffee, which is resistance. Since I work outdoors, it dehydrates me, and I've felt dizzy a number of times. It does piss me off that people watch, but don't care to talk about this "concern". In my anger, it breeds a "you don't care? Why should I?" at work.
It feels similar to me feeling "used". Like I'm used for their monetary benefit ONLY. Why the f*** would they care about someone? F*** them!
Rant done. F*** them!
I want to be FREE!
