Summary: I visited my mom and oldest brother yesterday. A very emotionally desperate environment for anyone needing healthier relationships. I thought I'd not write about it. But I got just a taste this morning of letting my past go. Ahhhhh.
I had to do a drug screen yesterday for work, so I had to head to my mom's town for it, 20 miles away. Texted her while waiting on my test. She was home already with my brother. When I arrived at her place, I quickly noticed things unfulfilling and life-sucking for me, and I didn't say anything, an old survival skill I used growing up.
The main stressor was my brother, a emotionally vacant man whose brain works 1000mph, meaning he never shuts up, changes subjects on a whim, and hears nothing anyone else says. I'd have jumped into the monologue if he ever gave room for it. Didn't happen once. The overload I felt around him made me leave as soon as I could.
It stressed my mom, telling me when she and I were alone that she needed emotional support, and she repeated her point. He'd obviously drained her too.
But I saw something very clearly, which is hope for me. She commented emotional support has been lacking the last 30 years, and I was noticing this: every person she reaches out to is emotionally desperate too. Most are her children, and she mentioned her sister who she's had a rocky relationship for a number of years since my mom expects old needs to be met. So, in short, she's seeking out a pain-making crowd consistently. Wow. It makes me grateful to have experience in 12 step rooms with people trying to get better, making different choices. I wonder from sane choices too, but the door is still open for change. I have choice, and awareness of choice.
Regarding freedom from my past, I got a glimpse of that before writing. I have E2 on US, and I felt suddenly.........FREE. I won't forget my past. But being free from the chains I keep returning to is a beautiful thing. I wondered for a moment, but I know......that executing that rests in my hands too. Wow
I had to do a drug screen yesterday for work, so I had to head to my mom's town for it, 20 miles away. Texted her while waiting on my test. She was home already with my brother. When I arrived at her place, I quickly noticed things unfulfilling and life-sucking for me, and I didn't say anything, an old survival skill I used growing up.
The main stressor was my brother, a emotionally vacant man whose brain works 1000mph, meaning he never shuts up, changes subjects on a whim, and hears nothing anyone else says. I'd have jumped into the monologue if he ever gave room for it. Didn't happen once. The overload I felt around him made me leave as soon as I could.
It stressed my mom, telling me when she and I were alone that she needed emotional support, and she repeated her point. He'd obviously drained her too.
But I saw something very clearly, which is hope for me. She commented emotional support has been lacking the last 30 years, and I was noticing this: every person she reaches out to is emotionally desperate too. Most are her children, and she mentioned her sister who she's had a rocky relationship for a number of years since my mom expects old needs to be met. So, in short, she's seeking out a pain-making crowd consistently. Wow. It makes me grateful to have experience in 12 step rooms with people trying to get better, making different choices. I wonder from sane choices too, but the door is still open for change. I have choice, and awareness of choice.
Regarding freedom from my past, I got a glimpse of that before writing. I have E2 on US, and I felt suddenly.........FREE. I won't forget my past. But being free from the chains I keep returning to is a beautiful thing. I wondered for a moment, but I know......that executing that rests in my hands too. Wow
I want to be FREE!
