08-08-2018, 01:52 PM
Good stuff Shannon, thanks.
So I realized yet again I fell into one of my apathy resistance tactics. Can't execute if you stop caring about it right? Today I was really angry with myself being afraid all the time. But then I realized I shouldn't be angry at myself, I should be angry at the fear.
I've talked A LOT about fear, but I can't emphasize enough how the rationalizations are what really get me more than the fear itself. I was at work coming up on a really difficult problem I had to solve and all of a sudden my mind spun out and switched on apathy mode. I don't care, this is a waste of time, it's not important, etc. Literally any excuse it could use to not tackle the problem. And why? Well just because it was intimidating, I didn't have the solution, and I was just in general afraid.
This is the type of stuff that really bothers me. In the moment they seem like my real thoughts and feelings on the matter, but upon further investigation it's a result of avoiding something. It's very childish and immature. It's taking me every ounce of conscious intervention not to give in to this stuff. My mind tends to tell me that it's how I really feel about things and I shouldn't ignore it. But of course that's the perfect excuse to stop pushing and doing things that are scary. One of the most notable resistance tactics my mind implements is making me feel like when I'm going in the right direction that it's actually wrong. So it's not the feeling of fear itself that necessarily stops me, but what that fear represents in my mind. It's actually more confusing this way because for most of my life I've relied on my gut instinct and now I can't trust that judgement. It's like losing my compass, which interestingly enough generates more fear because now I feel like I really don't know where I'm going.
So I realized yet again I fell into one of my apathy resistance tactics. Can't execute if you stop caring about it right? Today I was really angry with myself being afraid all the time. But then I realized I shouldn't be angry at myself, I should be angry at the fear.
I've talked A LOT about fear, but I can't emphasize enough how the rationalizations are what really get me more than the fear itself. I was at work coming up on a really difficult problem I had to solve and all of a sudden my mind spun out and switched on apathy mode. I don't care, this is a waste of time, it's not important, etc. Literally any excuse it could use to not tackle the problem. And why? Well just because it was intimidating, I didn't have the solution, and I was just in general afraid.
This is the type of stuff that really bothers me. In the moment they seem like my real thoughts and feelings on the matter, but upon further investigation it's a result of avoiding something. It's very childish and immature. It's taking me every ounce of conscious intervention not to give in to this stuff. My mind tends to tell me that it's how I really feel about things and I shouldn't ignore it. But of course that's the perfect excuse to stop pushing and doing things that are scary. One of the most notable resistance tactics my mind implements is making me feel like when I'm going in the right direction that it's actually wrong. So it's not the feeling of fear itself that necessarily stops me, but what that fear represents in my mind. It's actually more confusing this way because for most of my life I've relied on my gut instinct and now I can't trust that judgement. It's like losing my compass, which interestingly enough generates more fear because now I feel like I really don't know where I'm going.
INFP
