DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

So last night I decided to put my speakers on both sides of my bed by my ears. I honestly didn't think it would make that much of a difference, but man it really does for me. I felt like my mind was just cooperating more, no two sides battling for control. I felt this airy sort of sensation over my body and tingling.

I've been stressing for a bit now about trying to execute, but last night's experience has shown me it's really more about getting the subliminal input right vs forcing myself. I was really tense these past few days thinking I could just overpower my subconscious through willpower, but all I did was stress myself too much. I had to remind myself that consciously choosing shouldn't require excessive effort on my part. My mistake was falling into that no pain no gain mentality, which caused me to hold onto that internal tension that I assumed meant progress. Damn what a labyrinth my mind is at times.

[mat422]

My job is starting to annoy me. Actually this whole routine of waking up tired as hell and dragging myself on a 45 minute commute to work. I don't really feel like being "professional" any more. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like I'm fairly competent at this job but I just don't want to take is seriously. I'm not slacking off or watching YouTube all day or something, I just don't want to get sucked into the urgency and stress a lot of people project at this job. This is my first real office job so half the battle has been figuring out how to not burn myself out.

When I think about how caught up people are in the small microscopic universes they create for themselves vs the vastness of the world I just can't take it seriously. Especially when it comes to jobs. If you're a surgeon or an er doctor, or cop, etc then yeah your job has a sense of urgency. But an order not going through a shipping system? Who cares? Maybe I don't, maybe the guy making profits does. I don't know. I feel so out of place. Still looking somewhere that I click with vs having to force myself into.

This was a rant more than anything. I needed to get this out because I've been feeling the pressure of it these past few days. It's like trying to balance gratitude vs doing what's best for me. Fear vs moving on.

Also completely unrelated, but overweight women. I just don't find them attractive. I don't criticize their character or hold them to a lower standard as a human being. But I always feel like I'm "shallow" for not giving them a chance. Why are guys constantly put down because of a simple preference like not being overweight? I'm willing to accept that maybe there's a possibility I don't find them attractive because of fear based reaction, but really it seems like a stretch.

[Shannon]

Also completely unrelated, but overweight women. I just don't find them attractive. I don't criticize their character or hold them to a lower standard as a human being. But I always feel like I'm "shallow" for not giving them a chance. Why are guys constantly put down because of a simple preference like not being overweight? I'm willing to accept that maybe there's a possibility I don't find them attractive because of fear based reaction, but really it seems like a stretch.

Generally, the "fat acceptance/fat pride" movement is based on certain people (not all of those who are overweight) wanting to have their cake and eat it too. Literally and figuratively. They choose to do the things that result in being overweight, and they don't want to deal with the resulting consequences. If they did, they would start enacting countermeasures and make changes.

One of the things they want is to have just as many options sexually and relationship-wise as anyone else, which is the "and eat it too" part. To do that, they have to convince people that they are somehow wrong, bad, at fault, guilty, shameful, stupid, ignorant, shallow, whatever for their natural desires to have a high value and healthy partner. Whatever fits their particular "love map" for physical characteristics. Some people choose overweight, because their love map specifies it. Others do not.

So they do things socially to make people for whom overweight is not a natural choice (is not on their love map naturally) feel that it is wrong, bad, shameful, "shallow" to not give overweight people an equal shot, even when that isn't what naturally attracts or interests the person.

For a long, long time, I dated women who were not physically attractive to me for that reason. Then one day I realized... I am not happy with women who are below X and above Y in weight. I was dating them because I had been told that it was "shallow" to do otherwise. The reality is that it is "shallow" to try to manipulate others into doing what doesn't make them happy so you can be overweight and have equal access, even though the person giving that access is not happy with doing it.

Now as I said before, not everyone who is overweight does this or believes it or uses it. But it has become a social norm in the last 10+ years. Now that you've recognized it, you can simply refuse to be manipulated into feeling bad for what makes you happy, and choose what makes you happy instead.

[mat422]

Good stuff Shannon, thanks.

So I realized yet again I fell into one of my apathy resistance tactics. Can't execute if you stop caring about it right? Today I was really angry with myself being afraid all the time. But then I realized I shouldn't be angry at myself, I should be angry at the fear.

I've talked A LOT about fear, but I can't emphasize enough how the rationalizations are what really get me more than the fear itself. I was at work coming up on a really difficult problem I had to solve and all of a sudden my mind spun out and switched on apathy mode. I don't care, this is a waste of time, it's not important, etc. Literally any excuse it could use to not tackle the problem. And why? Well just because it was intimidating, I didn't have the solution, and I was just in general afraid.

This is the type of stuff that really bothers me. In the moment they seem like my real thoughts and feelings on the matter, but upon further investigation it's a result of avoiding something. It's very childish and immature. It's taking me every ounce of conscious intervention not to give in to this stuff. My mind tends to tell me that it's how I really feel about things and I shouldn't ignore it. But of course that's the perfect excuse to stop pushing and doing things that are scary. One of the most notable resistance tactics my mind implements is making me feel like when I'm going in the right direction that it's actually wrong. So it's not the feeling of fear itself that necessarily stops me, but what that fear represents in my mind. It's actually more confusing this way because for most of my life I've relied on my gut instinct and now I can't trust that judgement. It's like losing my compass, which interestingly enough generates more fear because now I feel like I really don't know where I'm going.

[mat422]

Had a dream about going back to 3.2a from 3.3B, but I'm not even running it yet lol. Also zombie dreams. But just me dying, unable to fight them off. Might represent my battle with fear. Also B seems to make me very restless when trying to sleep. Hoping that fades eventually the longer I'm on this. It's not an energized feeling, more like a feeling of resistance.

[mat422]

Had this bit of insight while at work.

Don't fight fear. Don't force yourself past fear. Don't stress yourself out. Circumvent fear, focus on joy and happiness. If you believe you can't just show compassion for yourself. If you're afraid show compassion. Do not fight. Don't engage with struggle in yourself.

The goal is to show your subconscious this new life is full of joy and happiness, not fear and struggle. Embrace good things, embrace ease, embrace peace. Focus on these good things. Focus on what makes you feel good and carry that vibe.

With that realization I came to understand I kept running into fear and then tried to just push past fear which just created more fear. My definition of overcoming fear meant experiencing fear to the point where I felt it was deeply uncomfortable and then somehow winning over it. Basically the wrong approach because I kept triggering my subconscious to enter a panicked state and deadlocked myself. Then I'd waste a ton of energy forcing a part of me that was terrified instead of persuading it.

I'm learning to just relax, remove tension, and tell myself I can handle all this and there's nothing to worry about. To not have my subconscious as this enemy I have to overcome or defeat. A lot of this does come from compassion, accepting I am afraid and not shunning the parts of myself that may not be on board yet.

[mat422]

So two things happened to me yesterday. One, that problem I was having at work turned out to be a lot simpler. As soon as I started relaxing and stopped worrying about it being incredibly difficult it stopped being like that. Two, I had this girl from hs message me on Instagram apologizing about being an ass to me. Lately I just feel like reality is a lot more fluid and things line up for me to work.

One thing I'm still working on though is breaking this cycle of initial attraction and then losing interest when talking with women. It seems like all my prior experiences fuel this paranoia in me of needing to capitalize on that initial attraction and "win her over" vs just doing my thing and seeing if she wants to come along. I think the main issue here is I see the intital attraction as a fluke or something and not a solid indication of her wanting me. Which I guess just goes back to me needing to accept women can be attracted to me in the first place. I see this pattern now and I'm willing to change it to have that initial attraction mean something much more than just a fluke or luck.[/quote]

[mat422]

Quick update, I've decided to switch back to masked only. I've realized that even at low levels ultrasonic triggers nausea in me. And it's not resistance because I happened upon this discovery at work actually. There's this power adapter next to me that I can plug my USB cable for my phone into, but when I do it emits an ultrasonic frequency. I was sitting at my desk and I was like why am I so nauseous/uneasy? Unplugged it and I was fine. Then I thought to myself, man this feels like when I listen to the hybrid subliminal. At that point I realized the unpleasant sensations I've been feeling with hybrid is not resistance, but a reaction to the ultrasonic.

So since I believe it's important to make sure nothing contributes to negative associations, I'm removing any stimulus that could cause my subconscious to associate the dmsi script with nausea or unease. Just a theory of mine, but I did notice masked for the brief time I was on it really did work better for me somehow. I had some very strong breakthroughs while I was on it, then thought hybrid would be even better, but it felt like I lost those breakthroughs a bit.

[Shannon]

Quick update, I've decided to switch back to masked only. I've realized that even at low levels ultrasonic triggers nausea in me. And it's not resistance because I happened upon this discovery at work actually. There's this power adapter next to me that I can plug my USB cable for my phone into, but when I do it emits an ultrasonic frequency. I was sitting at my desk and I was like why am I so nauseous/uneasy? Unplugged it and I was fine. Then I thought to myself, man this feels like when I listen to the hybrid subliminal. At that point I realized the unpleasant sensations I've been feeling with hybrid is not resistance, but a reaction to the ultrasonic.

So since I believe it's important to make sure nothing contributes to negative associations, I'm removing any stimulus that could cause my subconscious to associate the dmsi script with nausea or unease. Just a theory of mine, but I did notice masked for the brief time I was on it really did work better for me somehow. I had some very strong breakthroughs while I was on it, then thought hybrid would be even better, but it felt like I lost those breakthroughs a bit.

I'd bet you it is resistance. Nausea can be the result of being forced to FACE FEARS. It is also an easy way to distract and confuse, and get you to change tactics. Haven't you ever seen someone get so scared (like stage fright) that they vomit?

[RTBoss]

Quick update, I've decided to switch back to masked only. I've realized that even at low levels ultrasonic triggers nausea in me. And it's not resistance because I happened upon this discovery at work actually. There's this power adapter next to me that I can plug my USB cable for my phone into, but when I do it emits an ultrasonic frequency. I was sitting at my desk and I was like why am I so nauseous/uneasy? Unplugged it and I was fine. Then I thought to myself, man this feels like when I listen to the hybrid subliminal. At that point I realized the unpleasant sensations I've been feeling with hybrid is not resistance, but a reaction to the ultrasonic.

So since I believe it's important to make sure nothing contributes to negative associations, I'm removing any stimulus that could cause my subconscious to associate the dmsi script with nausea or unease. Just a theory of mine, but I did notice masked for the brief time I was on it really did work better for me somehow. I had some very strong breakthroughs while I was on it, then thought hybrid would be even better, but it felt like I lost those breakthroughs a bit.

Man, that subc of yours is pretty creative. I've noticed, the closer you get to full execution, the more this type of thing will happen.

So, really, it's good news.

[mat422]

Ugh you guys are right. Won't be switching back after all. Very crafty indeed

[mat422]

Girl who messaged me on instagram out of the blue has been friendly with me. Back in HS I had a crush on her and I had a chance with her, but because of my fears some other guy jumped in and got her attention. Gonna be meeting up with her one of these days to catch up. Just friends really, unless something more happens. If I'm not into her that way anymore I'm not gonna push it. But it's one of those things where you just have to see each other face to face to still see if there's a connection there.

Another girl I messaged who actually responded on okcupid. She seems chill and down to earth. I'm hoping I can meet up with her in person. I'm not 100% certain but I think I sniped this one. I saw her profile and I felt really attracted to her, but it was also this feeling of connecting with her? Hard to describe unless you've got it before. It was like I was looking at a picture, but at the same time connecting with the actual physical body of her.

B continues to move me forward. Even if I think this is all going to collapse in on me like a blackhole at times. I recognize that's the fear. It's weird how when things improve in my life I get anxiety, like a feeling that it won't last or this is just a temporary string of luck. That feeling is getting smaller and smaller, but it's still there. Every time B pushes me further it makes me more aware of my fears that stop me from allowing good things in my life. I also get closer and closer to just being myself vs trying to do everything right to get a favorable outcome from people. Which was always incredibly exhausting for me.

[mat422]

I've been working on trying to embrace the sexual energy circulating in my body more. I can feel a sort of block from fully expressing it. Definitely some kind of conditioning still floating around in my head about sex being bad somehow. Likely remnants I picked up over the years of male bashing/shaming. I've noticed that I've tried to ignore it vs embracing the energy of it. For obvious reasons, fear. The stronger the effects of DMSI get, the more I just want to have sex with a woman. But I don't think I'm there yet as far as communicating sex goes. Part of me still thinks it's creepy, sexist, or whatever else. I don't know it kind of just feels like I step on my own toes for what would be an incredibly natural process if I just accepted my own sexuality more. I pretty much cockblock myself.

[mat422]

Had coffee with the girl who messaged me on instagram. It was cool catching up. Same nerves I had from when I was in HS. It's weird how seeing a familiar face can throw you back like that. But the whole thing is like I don't know. We'll see how this develops. Also in hindsight meeting up and drinking coffee, resistance tactic lol.

I guess this is triggering a venting session, but here goes. I really just want to get this women thing handled. It's not a numbers thing for me. It's more like when the opportunity presents itself I have the confidence to know what to do and I'm not stepping on my toes. I think part of my fears is definitely that I'm 27 and never had sex. When you're younger it's like, ok not a big deal. But when you get older it's this worry in the back of my head that every single girl I interact with I have to somehow let her know that "hey I've never had sex with a woman before". People may say oh it's not a big deal, but what if the woman is experienced and knows what she likes sex wise. If she wants someone who's in control, dominant, or experienced? You can't really know that until it comes up. Just another fear I guess.

Completely unrelated, but I'm feeling really bad about my body right now. I'm trying to be more mindful of my movements, how I sit, stand, walk. It's amazing how utterly screwed up our posture gets in modern society with all the sitting and crap. I was in the grocery store yesterday and saw this woman hunched over her cart and just moving her body in such an inefficient way. It made me cringe and reflect on my own poor use of my body. Mainly the fact that I haven't worked out for 2 years now, I'm skinny as hell, and sitting all this time has screwed with me. I need to to respect my body more. More than a few months ago I was being really self destructive to my body, I didn't feed myself right, I'd skip important meals because I was too tired, just in general absolute neglect and I was like screw it I hope I just decay and die. It honestly felt like I was slowly letting myself waste away to nothing. But I have to find something other than weight lifting because I just can't stand it. I like bodyweight exercises a lot, something about them you can just be more mindful of the inner workings of your body and feel how all the muscles come together. I'm not gonna get built with them, but I don't really care. The goal is health, aesthetics come secondary.