Shannon's Journal Discussion Volume 3

[Kol]

Shannon,

Would you say that having dark triad tendencies, such as narcissism is an strong response to h/c even if it continuous on B? I had a conversation today in which im having an strong reduction in care and empathy at all, till the point, when it spiked, it putted me into an callous tunnelvision like state. I was commented on the stare aswell.

Also, as I was interviewed further and remember it, it was shocking how easy the follow up steps we're to that and how unfazed I was under it. Thinking back to it, mere attention makes this kind of slippery like it is fed instantly. It gains momentum fast in an way it ticks many boxes of npd for example.

That it also is met with curiosity and calculating intelligence is...idk.

I have no clue.

There should be nothing negative coming out of the H&C. The H&C is not designed to be universal, but to result in clearing the way for the program to execute, so if you have one or more of those issues and you are using A side, it may not affect them in terms of healing or clearing them. They may become more obvious, although the program is designed to prevent negative results. I'm not sure what to tell you. Have you been professionally evaluated?

Im currently seeing someone for it, or, atleast, when I entered the whole traject and stuff it was for something else. It became more obvious when I ran A version, when a lot of anxiety and paranoia came crashing in. People and events and what led up to the anxiety and paranoia, and it crashed in present time.

It also is like a persistent set of thoughts and confronting it, accepting these parts of me, are met with an huge sense of "loss of control" and "giving in will cause me to cross the line".
Never crossed the line, but know its really easy.

The person im seeing currently and who I spoke about hints multiple times towards low self esteem and selflove, aswell as insecurity. Its like my mind pingpongs. One moment very clear, next moment tension and chaos. Like the story of 2 wolves, and the one being fed is the one who will win.

Its like im supressing feelimgs in an sense, if that makes sense, while, when lookingbinto this, im suddenly clearminded without having any feeling going on at all.

If this is a result of the H&C then the H&C is doing something that is bringing this to the surface. My advice is that you do one of the following two things.

1. Stop using DMSI or any other sub that triggers you in this way.
2. Only use that sub with the careful supervision of a psychological professional who is aware that you are using the sub and what it is designed to do.

Thank you Shannon, much appreciated. In a way it reminds me of AM6. Similar things were brought up back then, almost, as I understand, an "burn all" response. Im also experiencing 3.3 TID. The whole predatory thing also has this alpha energy to it, perhaps the 1.0 version of it. Control gives me thrill. The whole narc thing is fuelling me on an adrenaline level. It was dormant but now surfacing in an more raw uninhibited way. All kind if excuses come up as to why this path is the one to take. It does cause me to re-evaluate my core principals, values, boundaries. Its like a huge intimidation thing aswell, it all ties in with an core fear it seems. Like a warzone. I can see the use of it. By being pushed to be raw and clear in my boundaries.

Im seeing a therapist for, initially, cptsd. Im not planning on crossing the line of ending behind bars, it is very raw tho. Im open about it, running DMSI. He is understanding towards me and even called me out on several things.

I can decide to accept it, being an unmovable narc with still an sort of awareness, but, its pretty much split in the most 50/50 sense.

1) deciding to go all deep down, unrooting the cause, scaring my inner child shitless through introspection ( my journals show I am introspective )
2) accepting the shallowness, glib and charm, which I own and no longer healing. Whatever it is, its scaring me shitless. Especially when watching me in an dissociative state.

I am appreciating your feedback. Im amidst the wanting to heal and stay where I am. Split. Part is about accepting ( embracing me ) another is letting go ( which also brings me back to my past, selling myself out, giving myself away under the banner of peace )

Hope it does give you some feedback.

Thank you for your time.