Shannon's Journal Discussion Volume 3

[Have at ye]

Shannon, I"ve run 7 loops of B last 9 days and I watched porn and masturbated to it 3 days. Also, I went to a strip club and spent money on lap dances since I hadn't gotten any sexual pleasure. I had lost total interest in visiting strip clubs on 3.1 and 3.2 with the lower number of loops. Saturday, before watching porn and fapping, my mind was persuading me to give up DMSI by saying, "**** it! DMSI isn't doing anything. Watch porn and fap." So, I spent the entire day watching porn and fapping. I did the same thing yesterday too. Along with those, I had too much rage about the societal conditioning and my family's upbringing of me. I feel now I should have transmuted that rage and sexual energy into something productive to achieve the goal. But my mind tricked me into staying home and doing nothing over the weekend. Nothing at all.

Now, what is special about it is it took years for me to totally eliminate porn from my life. I used to be a porn addict and it engulfed almost 5 years of my life. I was able to totally remove it after years of trial and error 3 years ago. I reset my brain, I was enjoying my life. But this kind of IDGAF attitude brought up by 7 loops of B is totally unusual. I feel very meek and scared today. I regret about the relapse. I know a lot of disadvantages that can be brought by porn and masturbation to porn specially to one's brain. I researched a lot since I needed to get myself out of it in order to change my life. This relapse is creating a lot of anger in me now and I literally want to burst like a bomb. I can feel the rage trying to come out of my skin specially my hands and my legs. I wish I could kick and punch everything in front of me.

I wonder this IDGAF attitude is a loophole to prevent one from achieving any of the goal of DMSI. Please suggest me what I should do and also if you could close this loophole in 3.3 that would be fantastic.

Sounds like classic reversal-resistance to me. The radically increased number of loops must have scared some part of you.

First off, try not to beat yourself up, or panic, about what just happened. Accept it as a "mistakes were made" type of deal, as it isn't the end of the world, and try to exercise more willpower in the future.

The rage would also indicate that something big is clearing through, at least I remember getting some serious rage-filled episodes when I was doing 1 loops of ver. A in my original run of it (I kinda broke a chair and made a hole in my door, lol, because I kicked it in rage). And then a big thing cleared through. There's a good chance it's not even porn or masturbation-related. The resistance mechanism used might have actually nothing to do with what your subC is finding scary - it's probably a way of trying to distract you and steer you away from the important stuff going on under the hood.

I do believe Shannon's planning improvements that are going to help with that stuff in 3.3.