Shannon's Journal Discussion Volume 3

[Shannon]

@Shannon
I am having very hard times, and recently, thoughts of suicide is coming to my head. I have developed lots of issues in the last 4-5 years! I would like to share here about those in details. Maybe you guys could help, give advice
• I started masturbating to porn from age 12. I slowly grew the habit, and internet was also becoming more and more available, easy to access. I have been a chain-masturbator from then! I couldn’t live without it a single week… I would do it 2-3 times a week, but each time I started to masturbate like 5-6 times! Sometimes, my penis started bleeding, my balls became very painful. I believe, from there, I started to develop sexual damages. My penis is terribly curved on the direction I masturbate aggressively (like a banana, curve towards up, and very steep curve!). I can’t pee if penis is erected because of this kind of bend! I blow my load within 5-10 seconds of masturbating now (I believe I have created Premature Ejaculation issue). My hair is falling very fast (already baldness is noticed above forehead), my eye sight is drastically decreased. I feel low all the time. No motivation, no drive to do something in life! Yet, I can’t stop this life damaging habit! I can stop for maybe 2 weeks, and then, again, urge takes control.

Masturbating obsessively is normal for people of a certain age and level of sex drive. Having a curved penis is not damage from masturbating, it's actually relatively normal. There are guys who have a curve left, right, up, down and in combination. You can't pee when your penis is erect not because of the bend, but because your body has defenses against urine backflowing into your seminal vesicles, which are the tubes that deliver sperm to the penis from the testes. No man can pee with an erect penis. You blow your load because you have trained yourselkf to come quickly by never having any goal but orgasm during sex (which for you sounds like it has entirely been based on masturbation), but that can be changed with training also. Hair falling out could be for a number of reasons, including STRESS from your fears. I don't know your specifics to be more specific about that. Eyesight could very well be self hypnosis based on the old wives tale about going blind if you masturbate.

When I was in highschool, I had no social life. I was suffering from enormous social anxiety and depression, and I lived in a city that was so young that I had nobody within 10 miles who I could really call a friend. I had no way to get to the people I went to school with. Every day, I would walk a mile home from the bus stop and during that time, I would always end up fantasizing about sex. By the time I got home, I was horny as hell, and I had to masturbate. Sometimes three or four times a day. At the peak, I was wearing away the skin on my penis and bleeding. I know where you are coming from.

For a male with a very high sex drive, this is normal if he does not have sexual access. Some guys just have an insanely high sex drive. My girlfriend is much younger than me, and I was worried at first that I would not be able to keep up with her. Turns out she can't keep up with me!

Also, if you have a lot of testosterone, there is a correlation between that and hair loss. High testosterone results in high sex drive, and I believe it is the dihydrotestosterone form of testosterone that results in hair loss. You may just be a super "testy" guy! I am bald, by the way. Had to start shaving my head from hair loss.

• Perfectionist Procrastination. Every time I masturbate, I feel guilty after the event. Then, I slowly gain motivation to stop this addiction, start doing something in life. I plan many things! I start as plan, and within next 3-7 days, I lose all motivation. Jerk off some porn, give up everything, Feel guilty again. And then, Again, I start gaining motivation to change my life forever, plan on something…. And my cycle goes on… it’s a vicious cycle! And I am on it for last 4-5 years maybe. I think, I want everything perfect, not expecting anything outside my plan, and even if they happen, I would lose motivation, give up on plan. And start over with new plan… another vicious cycle!

Having a high sex drive is not cause for guilt. Associating guilt with something you are almost driven to do (and I can tell you, I have a pretty damned strong will, but I have never been able to go more than 14 days without an orgasm since I was 14) is only going to be self destructive.
Vicious cycles only end when you break them by changing something. For a guy with a sex drive as high as yours sounds, I doubt seriously that you're going to be able to stop masturbating. Hell, even when I have a girlfriend, I sometimes still need to masturbate to handle my sex drive. The only time I didn't was when I met a girl who was able to keep up with me, and we were having sex 3x a day, every day!

So something has to change for you to break out of the vicious cycle, and I am going to laugh at you and anyone else who thinks you're going to stop masturbating if your sex drive is that high, unless you find a girl who is always down to fuck. Therefore, some other variable must change, such as your reacting with guilt. You should in my opinion simply accept that you have a high sex drive and masturbate when you need to.

That said, masturbating when you want to is not necessarily going to be helpful. It is possible to use masturbation as a way to hide from things that scare you, as many on DMSI can tell you. For that reason, I do not recommend DMSI to you right now. But find some other variable to change in your vicious cycle for now. You can stop masturbating when you find a woman who will take care of your sexual needs.

Perfectionism comes from insecurity and feeling "not good enough". I know that because I was a perfectionist for a long time and that is also a personal experience. I understand now that my perfectionism came from not feeling like I was good enough, which is a self esteem issue.

• Where the pain started. My failure with girls. I think I was a “nice guy” from my childhood, and maybe my family life affected me to be that character! More on that later… I think, I started to feel attraction for women in my coaching classes from class 8 in high school, Before that, I rarely met girl-classmates, as I was in a boys high school. I liked girls from there. Somehow managed to talk with some of them, and they became my good friends! I mean, I got a group of girls (17 of them as far as I remember) who talked with me in coaching class. I liked some of them. I was very “nice” with them. I even proposed one, and got rejected! That was my first proposal, and first rejection! Heartbroken me got obsessed with that girl. I was thinking about her all day long! Then I created another trauma in my mind called “imaginary relationships”. I would imagine all the things with her (mostly negative, and that emotion was addictive too). I was also ashamed of the situation. Finally the coaching was over, and one girl from there remained very good friend of mine. Other women just didn’t talk with me after that rejection! We remained friends for 2-3 more years, and I fell for her too! Btw, I was also very “nice” with her. In the mean time, I “discovered” PUA, read stuffs, and realized that I was very nice with this girl, and she was just using me for her advantages! I proposed her with confession, and got rejected too!

What you are describing here is called desperation. Women can smell it from orbit, and will run away as soon as possible. You can't possibly be proposing to women without the right circumstances and expect her to take you seriously. You say it was your "first proposal and first rejection". First means you did it again, and it happened that you got rejected again. That is because in all cases, you were displaying desperation, which a woman will reject in almost 100% of cases.

Stop proposing to women! Stop being desperate! Stop looking for a mommy! You need more than anything else to grow into a man, and stop being a boy. Women don't want little boys. They want a man who is self sufficient and can take care of himself, at the least. Desperate says that you are a little boy and need her to take care of you.

Anyway, after I joined university one year ago, I disconnected all contacts with my previous friends, that girl too… I wanted to start my life again with new motivation, friends in the varsity. I joined Architecture. Now architecture is really interesting to me as I never expected to study it before, I was like a study guy who would read books, do maths! Architecture is about creativity, making things out of nowhere, travelling to see different architecture, sculpture! I enjoyed, and pretty much forgot my past life. But Pornography, masturbation habit remained! Perfectionism remained. Vicious cycles remained! Then…
In university, I met lots of hot women! But Mr nice guy is still virgin, masturbate to porn, and wonder how some guys just get these hot girls with very short time, make them their girlfriend, **** them, then leave them for more!!

Until you change Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Self Sufficient, he's never going to see the wet side of a woman. You are doing what most guys who are in your shoes do, putting the cart before the horse and trying to get a woman who wants a man, while you are still a boy. And by that I don't mean insult, or to tear you down. I was in your shoes here too! I know what you're going through. And I got out of those shoes, and I know how to do that.

The general rule of thumb in this universe is...

The more you focus on something the more that thing persists. Once you have mastered the lesson behind it, the need for it dissipates and the thing magically becomes abundant. Because you are no longer preventing yourself from having it by focusing on your lack of it, which the universe takes as your desire to have that lack. What you focus on with emotion and passion, you will get from the universe. If you focus on negativity and sparsity, guess what you get? But if you focus on gratitude for having what you want as if you already have it, and have been enjoying it, and you do so with equal focus and clarity and passion emotionally... that is what the universe will understand that you want, and that is what will flow to you. Very much like tuning a radio to the channel you want to hear, instead of tuning it to a channel you don't like, and then complaining about how you don't like it, but never changing the channel.

You must change yourself to become what attunes to and naturally results in the reality you wish to experience.

Here, in varsity, I met women! Again, I proposed a woman I like, and got rejected. She is my classmate. I lost the friendship between us, and she started to ignore me! Now, I am stuck with a cancer in my class! Everyone knows about this rejection in my class, We meet everyday in class but don’t talk. It is very weird, embarrassing for me! I lost my focus, joy of architecture too because of some BS I have done so far! Every girl friendzone me! I don’t know what to do! Now I wonder, even if I marry someone, they will cheat on me! And I am frustrated too! As I see my classmates, cousins **** lots of women, and I can’t! I am helpless!

Stop proposing to women! It should be apparent by now that you do not know when it is appropriate to propose. What you did is make her extremely uncomfortable by moving way too fast and making inappropriate moves on her. Again, desperation.

Marriage is not the goal. Marriage is not some end all be all that magically saves you from what scares you. Getting married without understanding what it is and how to make it work, will result in misery and or divorce. That's why so many people in the United States get divorced: nobody here knows what the fuck marriage is anymore.

You are seeking marriage for the reason of having some security. You think that marriage will prevent her from looking at anyone else, or doing something with someone else, or leaving you alone. You think it will obligate her to take care of you for the rest of your life and prevent you from having to grow up. It won't. She doesn't want a little boy, and any woman who would marry you while you are a little boy will either ne in desperate need of the same growth you need, or she will be looking to take advantage of and use you.

Marriage only works when you both bring to the table the understanding of what it is and what it requires to work. When it is appropriate. And when the two of you are marrying for the RIGHT REASONS and are able to provide equal contributions toward the marriage itself!

Marriage isn't a magic fix. It isn't a magic way to achieve security. It isn't a magic way to hide from growing into being a mature adult. It is a challenging thing to do even when you do have the qualifications to do it right, and the right person. Stop proposing.

• My childhood. The strictness of my mother. My mother has been very strict about me from my childhood. She kept me away from many things. I believe, that affected my natural growth, and maturity! I always feared her from childhood. She never let me go outside, so I am an introvert now, I have social anxiety, I fear to meet new people, talk to new people! I still properly don’t know many things as an adult. I can’t shop alone, I don’t know roads very well, I can cook though(LOL)… After coming to university, I have met classmates who are far far mature than me, so that made me question my current position. I am also not very free with my family, as I have grown shame about me! I can’t even discuss my issues with them now. Even if I do, what may they do! I am bringing this childhood issues, because, it is possible that, many things from my past are blocking me! My cousins used to bully me because they thought I walked like strange! I was also a fat kid then! My mom always adviced me to stay away from girls, relationships, these are not good etc etc…

Mothers raising sons alone often leads to situations like this. And very weak fathers still counts as "alone".

• Present Depression, Negativity. I am very fed up with my life. I am frustrated because I don’t know how to get out of these! I want a happy life, I want to get free from my dependence of my family, make money, do something in life, get women. But these are not happening! I am very depressed! I drink coffee all day, because I think it makes me relief a bit from thinking too much. I am addicted to caffeine too! Negative thoughts, imaginations come to my mind always. Blood flow to my brain when I imagine negative things. Still I can’t stop them. My condition has become like Chester Bennington of Linkin Park band who suicided few months ago! His song “Heavy” kind of relates to me!

The first thing to do is identify that there is a problem, which you have done. Then you must identify the issue, which we have done here. The issue is that you need to outgrow the emotional insecurity and immaturity that you are experiencing.

You also need to remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. YOU are responsible for yourself. You are responsible for everything you experience, because it is your choice what you choose to believe. Everything stems from what you believe to be true. By changing old programming that doesn't work anymore to programming that does, you can change your beliefs, and thus your point of view, your choices, your actions and your experiences in life. Your mother created a challenge for you, but it is your responsibility to deal with it now. I have been in these shoes as well. I was also suicidal for a while.

The first thing to know is, there is a way to change all this and achieve your desired goals. It is not suicide.

I don’t know how am I gonna get out of these, sometimes I think of suicide. I have lost the rhythm, joy of life. I am boring, depressed, sexually, mentally damaged. I am immature, I suck with women, I think negative(stroke can happen from these kind of BS thinking), I think negatively what never happened, and won’t happen, and feel the anger in my mind. Crazy!! I think I will become a perfect mad soon! Classmates friendzone me, I don’t like what I am studying now, so I procrastinate on my projects. Help me!!! I don’t wanna die like this!!!

So the first thing to do is...

Stop what you are doing.

Doing what you have always done, will lead to more of what you have. Stop that.

Next, you need to change the beliefs that generate the point of view and choices that result in the actions that give you this outcome.

There are a variety of options available to you, but since you're here I am going to recommend to you Alpha Male Training Set Version 6.0. And, I suggest you run it at least three times through stages 1 through 6 before you consider moving on to something else. That is the program you most need right now, and the one that will most benefit you. The only exception would be AM7, which I haven't created yet.

You have a challenging road ahead of you, but you can do this. I know you can do this, because I was once in very similar shoes, and here I am. I have a hot young girlfriend, I own a business, I am a top player in my field, I am no longer depressed, I pay my bills, and I get a lot of attention and interest from women of all ages.

I turn down marriage proposals and offers of sex and dates.

And I created AM to do for me exactly the same thing you need. Go get 'em, tiger.

By the way, if you can't afford to buy it, even a piece at a time, then the second best thing to do would be the free emotional healing and pain relief aid. But you will do vastly better running AM6 at least three times in a row,m back to back, stages 1-6. Maybe more.

Hope this helps.

Oh, and one more thing. One of the quotes that really helped me make it through is one of my favorite quotes. It goes like this:

No man ever became great, except through many and great mistakes. - William E. Gladstone

In other words, not only is it okay to make mistakes, it's inevitable. We are human. But if you treat those mistakes as steps towards self mastery, then success becomes inevitable, and greatness becomes possible.