Hiding right now. Fearing being known, being seen. Well, actually it's me fearing other people knowing me.
As I wrote that, part of me spoke up saying "Bulls***!"
Let's try again. I'm afraid if I act what I think often, I won't know how to be me around people. I've been completely dependent on other's approval and validation---so who would I be or become without your approval?
I am SO NOT focused on things I like. I'm either focused on what you like, or I'm focused on surviving the imagination of you rejecting me. (You meaning society). So, I live in fear an awful lot of the time. I'm afraid--a majority of the time--of making my voice known. I'm so expecting to be rejected or abandoned constantly.
I spent a bit of time this weekend learning about financial moves happening and yet to come..... and the last 6 hours or so I thought "why? He/she won't care what you have to say". So I've lied in my bed, not prepping for tomorrow. Watching porn. All a fantasy.
My thoughts raced while writing that last paragraph. Yesterday I did some googling on EMDR, and the word "trauma" came up repeatedly. I'm realizing I've accepted very harmful messages in my life and lived my life by them repeatedly. I traumatize myself repeatedly, like my old in law--who'd drink, fight, get locked up, and do it again, again, and again. I even looked up trauma in the DMSI sales page; I feel/felt it's likened to washing your car. Wet it down, soap it up, and rinse it off. Done. This trauma is like gear oil dropped on the top of the car, which can eventually be cleaned off.....but (I let it) run into the door openings, into the hinges, and it's become suddenly a much longer, tedious job. I've often thought "what's the point? There's ALWAYS more to do! Never enough, never enough........breeds frustration with self------I'm aware more and more how I'm trying to be IN CONTROL, avoiding change, retraumatizing myself very often. Story of my life right there.
What could I do?
I can do some EMDR.
I can write here.
People? Not yet.
I could sleep.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm wishing to be "in control" of who rejects me, so I do it first. Trauma's a true bastard.
Just venting here, for me to hear my thoughts
As I wrote that, part of me spoke up saying "Bulls***!"
Let's try again. I'm afraid if I act what I think often, I won't know how to be me around people. I've been completely dependent on other's approval and validation---so who would I be or become without your approval?
I am SO NOT focused on things I like. I'm either focused on what you like, or I'm focused on surviving the imagination of you rejecting me. (You meaning society). So, I live in fear an awful lot of the time. I'm afraid--a majority of the time--of making my voice known. I'm so expecting to be rejected or abandoned constantly.
I spent a bit of time this weekend learning about financial moves happening and yet to come..... and the last 6 hours or so I thought "why? He/she won't care what you have to say". So I've lied in my bed, not prepping for tomorrow. Watching porn. All a fantasy.
My thoughts raced while writing that last paragraph. Yesterday I did some googling on EMDR, and the word "trauma" came up repeatedly. I'm realizing I've accepted very harmful messages in my life and lived my life by them repeatedly. I traumatize myself repeatedly, like my old in law--who'd drink, fight, get locked up, and do it again, again, and again. I even looked up trauma in the DMSI sales page; I feel/felt it's likened to washing your car. Wet it down, soap it up, and rinse it off. Done. This trauma is like gear oil dropped on the top of the car, which can eventually be cleaned off.....but (I let it) run into the door openings, into the hinges, and it's become suddenly a much longer, tedious job. I've often thought "what's the point? There's ALWAYS more to do! Never enough, never enough........breeds frustration with self------I'm aware more and more how I'm trying to be IN CONTROL, avoiding change, retraumatizing myself very often. Story of my life right there.
What could I do?
I can do some EMDR.
I can write here.
People? Not yet.
I could sleep.
Maybe, just maybe, I'm wishing to be "in control" of who rejects me, so I do it first. Trauma's a true bastard.
Just venting here, for me to hear my thoughts
I want to be FREE!
