DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[Zane]

Being Honest with ur feelings is the first step towards healing and u r doing a good job at it.

Sometimes it may feel that its too much too bear all this but if u really ask urself then u will find out that u can actually handle all this.

Just think of this way if it helps.. Its is said that it takes 90 days to completely change a thought or habit.. So all u have to do is just make it to the 90 days.

All this frustration u r feeling is temporary and won't last long even though it maybe feel like.. In long-term u win

[findingme]

I'm always looking for the "easier" way. I'm still beating myself up. What I'm going to share doesn't affect anyone else really. It only affects me.

About a year ago, I looked into EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Well, I'd done it many years back with different therapists, but I looked into it again. It's a trauma therapy where one looks at an object moving left to right and listens to matching sounds. They think of troublesome or traumatic things, and the EMDR takes away its power. The military uses this for PTSD, and I knew from experience it works. I sought it out years ago since many sexual abuse survivors reported being able to see the abuse in their minds but not be affected by it. EMDR had disentangled their emotions from it.

I found a site online which gives you the setup plus the actual training and preparation for doing it at home. I did ask others online about doing EMDR alone, and many therapists said it's not safe. I knew one could possibly trigger some feeling, belief, or memory and not know how to handle it.

But I was not really afraid. I was in a trading deal at this time expecting some large returns, so I took off work without fear. I did multiple EMDR sessions, and I began feeling real vulnerable, like when I was young. No major shifts occurred, but like subliminals, stuff won't come up until you're ready for it.

A good memory: I remember doing EMDR here on my bed with my laptop. I did maybe 2 or 3 rounds of 10 minutes apiece......and suddenly I felt ok. No, I felt ok with me, in my own skin. This was what I'd searched for and sought after, and it happened. I felt I loved myself. It was heaven to me.

I rarely use EMDR now though. Why? I'm afraid........thinking I won't be able to handle what comes up. While I wrote that, I realized.....that the EMDR is a blessing since it really de-escalates the tension and fear rising, by how it works. It's why I did long sessions when I was doing it then.

And.....I bookmarked the site for the EMDR tools on both my laptop and my desktop. All I have to do is click the link, choose one of the tools, plug in some earplugs (for left to right hemisphere alignment with audio), and run it anytime I want.

I procrastinated heavily just now, avoiding why I'd come on :-). Mark this one up.

A therapist who uses this same software and focuses on sexual abuse healing sent out an email today. She is having a webinar meeting May 23rd called "Shake off the shame". It's aimed at healing oneself from the belief that they're unlovable since the abuse happened. I paid $10 to be on it. I'm kind of nervous......since she's both a therapist and a hot redhead (mmmmm). Seriously, I feel hot when thinking of her. "I am an adult. I am an adult" isn't working. It's all just new to me.

But I'm signed up. The door was presented, so I'm going through it.

[findingme]

I had a sudden change of plans, and I went with it. One of the guys I meet on Saturday nights texted me while I was showering. He said his FIL is in hospice, so he's staying to be alongside his wife.

Before this, I'd considered doing some EMDR here at home. But I realized I could do it after. I stayed home, doing some EMDR. And I'm glad I have this.

The first things I noticed was my bed I'm lying on, as I've had bodily fears when lying down in years past. And some old thoughts (months or years back) began showing up, harmlessly. I'm running the software, and my normal defenses/denials began falling away, like in minutes. I had flashes of feeling young and feeling I could love myself.

I stayed running it knowing some painful things hide, and some old beliefs had. I imagined my brother shaming me for seeking to heal, him saying I didn't deserve this. This is key here, for since I was a normal suck-up, he was my main authority figure growing up. His words meant the most to me. I kept going with the EMDR.

Now, In the preparation, the guide asks what you wish to focus on. I'd began without any prepping (to not sabotage success), but I did a session worksheet after on my laptop here. I focused on my brother shaming and scaring me. One starts with a stress scale from 1-10, and it was a 7 when I wrote it. It's maybe a 3 now.

And doing EMDR is not stress-free. I've hidden from truth and change for years, and my sudden tears while doing it (normal for me) are me facing my resistance. Grief is me letting go what I've held to tightly.

Edit: In fact, I noticed I was crying MUCH louder than I normally do, like I normally feel shame when crying. My noise almost scared me since I have neighbors in adjacent rooms. And I RARELY make noise when crying. Change is happening.

I will do some more.

[findingme]

I went shopping for supplies for the week. But while leaving, I noticed something.

I realized I was safe. And I could trust myself; I didn't need to do anything. Everything was just "ok".

Doing EMDR is helping extinguish my "normal" distrust of myself.


I found this quote which sums it up well:

PTSD Recovery: In order to save yourself, you have to first destroy the you you were conditioned to be. (Unknown)

[iiXeno]

All this negative talk of AM6 is really making me feel regretful for buying the damn thing!

[findingme]

I'm sorry to hear that iiXeno. However, I'm using DMSI, not AM6.

I read your posts on using ultrasonic, so consider letting the sub do its work. Believe me, you're not the first impatient IML sub user. I began with E2 on ultrasonic, and looking back, I MUST have had it playing too low. Otherwise, I would have noticed its affects. I did this for 2 months, not knowing better.

I run my ultrasonic (US) a little higher now. But I run US off my desktop, and the speakers are 5 feet away my head. I've never used my phone and slept with it, as many guys do.

And speaking of AM, be gentle on yourself. AM, by its design, will shake you up. It's message, though very honorable and desirable, is not taught often at all in our culture. It will make you uncomfortable at different points, so go read on guy's AM journals to familiarize yourself with what you might expect. Let them know where you're at so you'll have people in your corner when you need them.

Welcome aboard iiXeno!

Edit: I chose DMSI specifically to work on the "negative" shit. I longed for what AM users soaked up and lived out.......but my past emotional garbage has flooded my life for years. When I finished E2, I asked about doing AM6 or DMSI for my emotional healing. Shannon spoke up saying I should go with DMSI. AM6 is older then E2, and has less powerful technology. DMSI, though it scares the s*** out of many of us, leads the way for healing. That's why I'm on DMSI vs. AM6. AM6 might be next, but that's too far away to plan, realistically. I'll be different in 6 months too.

[findingme]

I'm back on DMSI this morning. I need to share my thinking since my norm has been different these last 24 hours.

I shared I'd ran MLS following DMSI 2 nights ago. I felt shame and fear of rejection, as it brought to light how I do this self-shaming automatically. I pummeled myself.

However, I did 2 things, and with more drive. First, I did some EMDR here on my laptop, and as I persisted, some of the shame melted away. I didn't feel the absolute need to pummel myself more. I'll do some more today, allowing my change to be felt within. EMDR really settles me down mentally and physically. And it stays with me.

Second, I've been reading a LOT. I'd been eyeing a financial researcher's website for months, I signed up for his subscription, and last night I began reading a book in PDF he wrote. Maybe I like his teaching style filled with analogies and comparisons, but I'm reading a lot more than I've done....in years.

I believe it's the Anxiety Relief in DMSI. I love to read--I have a full bookcase 10 feet away--but I've only pulled down 3 or 4 books in the last 5 years. If I'm anxious and nervous, then reading is far off my "daily needs" list.

I may have jumped on to MLS for the anxiety reduction and focus it enables. But.......learning was not my main goal. When I'm anxious, I seek relief NOW. I was in emotional survival mode, and I thought DMSI was stirring up more than resolving more.

I am more focused today. I'm considering doing things I've often viewed negatively, and I'll share more later. Even writing that brought up some insecurity--as I'm challenging the thinking "you need to accept my values and standards". Others have written of this, and it's happening in me too.

Change is happening, for sure.

[findingme]

Hiding right now. Fearing being known, being seen. Well, actually it's me fearing other people knowing me.

As I wrote that, part of me spoke up saying "Bulls***!"

Let's try again. I'm afraid if I act what I think often, I won't know how to be me around people. I've been completely dependent on other's approval and validation---so who would I be or become without your approval?

I am SO NOT focused on things I like. I'm either focused on what you like, or I'm focused on surviving the imagination of you rejecting me. (You meaning society). So, I live in fear an awful lot of the time. I'm afraid--a majority of the time--of making my voice known. I'm so expecting to be rejected or abandoned constantly.

I spent a bit of time this weekend learning about financial moves happening and yet to come..... and the last 6 hours or so I thought "why? He/she won't care what you have to say". So I've lied in my bed, not prepping for tomorrow. Watching porn. All a fantasy.

My thoughts raced while writing that last paragraph. Yesterday I did some googling on EMDR, and the word "trauma" came up repeatedly. I'm realizing I've accepted very harmful messages in my life and lived my life by them repeatedly. I traumatize myself repeatedly, like my old in law--who'd drink, fight, get locked up, and do it again, again, and again. I even looked up trauma in the DMSI sales page; I feel/felt it's likened to washing your car. Wet it down, soap it up, and rinse it off. Done. This trauma is like gear oil dropped on the top of the car, which can eventually be cleaned off.....but (I let it) run into the door openings, into the hinges, and it's become suddenly a much longer, tedious job. I've often thought "what's the point? There's ALWAYS more to do! Never enough, never enough........breeds frustration with self------I'm aware more and more how I'm trying to be IN CONTROL, avoiding change, retraumatizing myself very often. Story of my life right there.

What could I do?

I can do some EMDR.
I can write here.
People? Not yet.
I could sleep.


Maybe, just maybe, I'm wishing to be "in control" of who rejects me, so I do it first. Trauma's a true bastard.

Just venting here, for me to hear my thoughts

[findingme]

I did some EMDR last night after my post. Something must have worked, for I got tired quickly. I'll keep at it. I read something on it this morning which corrected me. I'd been missing parts.

I did hybrid DMSI this morning, since I was awake. I'm writing since I miss the emotional honesty I had while on UD--as being honest meant no battling inside myself wondering "should I say this, that, .......or nothing". DMSI has some detox modules in it............I just miss the full-on effect which I loved. No mental mind-f***ing myself.

Just lately I've had this self-hate or blame rising since I want to share something excitedly.......but fear and self sabotage hold me back. My long posts lately are attempts to fall into that safe honesty zone, which hasn't happened much. Yet the untold story is I've had uninhibited thoughts rise a few times daily. I want to pair them with me writing. It's just not happened yet. Makes me wonder if detoxing branches into more areas then H/C. Or if it's just not resisted as much.

[Shannon]

UD does not have a "big scary goal" of achieving sex, like DMSI. Detox in DMSI is aimed at achieving a big scary goal. Big difference, if you're afraid of sex and/or achieving sex/being sexy for some reason.

[findingme]

I'm fighting this tooth and nail, and the resistance is moving into my job as well. Like I'm saying "I don't WANT to". I'm fricking it up left and right while I'm home: more coffee, listening to MLS (this morning), and trying to "fail".

I'm not bsing saying DMSI is off. DMSI is doing what it was designed to, and I'm overreacting in fear a lot these last few days. I'm in this "I've got to derail this" mentality. I'm off.

And my job, I chose to stay home today. A coworker texted me early asking if I was coming in. I said no since I'd been procrastinating on setting up a YT business (when actually I was mostly mentally exhausted--my work this morning was all fear-based, not born from desire). He then called, but I didn't answer. I checked my phone an hour later, and he texted saying our head boss needed me in. In my "I want to be in control" mindset, I didn't text back or go in. Our head boss can be a merciless a**hole most days, so I'm afraid now.

I feel like I'm trying to win by failing.

I'm overwhelming myself.

EDIT: I forgot to mention I did 2 loops of A last night.

[findingme]

I'm going to start B tonight since it was suggested by another user. It's seemed to be easier going 7 days on A, 14 on B, back and forth. I'll just go with it.

[findingme]

Ok, I went for a walk in my neighborhood. I went since it was quiet and still sprinkling lightly.

First off, and I feel nervous about sharing, but it's been tied up in my brain: I turned the corner, and some landscaper guy was trimming the lawn. I felt nervous around him, and it began in me when I saw him. I felt tense, unsure why, even wondering "am I gay or something? Is that what I'm terrified of?" I continued on, wondering "am I?" It wasn't comfortable for me at all. I've never had sexual attractions towards men, but "A" seems to be working on something.

Well, 30 seconds later--literally--2 cars are backing out of a driveway. I saw the first, likely the mom, and she waved at me, and I waved back! No idea who she is. The second car had 2 teenage girls, way too young. But I felt my sexual attraction rise up. I could feel it. I was attracted to girls. Whew............

With this though, my tension broke, and I immediately began crying hard, while I was walking. Maybe a minute or so. Clearing tears.

Turned the block again. 2 more landscapers out. I felt tense again, but they were 200 feet away. My thoughts quickly figured this out: I've thought I should give in to men if they wanted to abuse me. I did this with my brother when young to receive his love--and he raped me. I had really believed this :-(

I kept going, knowing now why I lock up sometimes around some men. I see my head boss tomorrow. I emotionally freeze when he's around. He's like dynamite with a smoking wick every day. A miserable abuser. I hope I tell him to f*** off. Maybe. No plans. Just sick of being abused, and he's the only male in my life I tolerate it from. Really GD tired of it.

Moving on, I had a strange (for me) desire creep up in me when I saw this middle-aged blond woman outside reading on her porch. It was pure sexual desire. I barely looked at her once I got near, but my mind began planning/seeing me walking up to her to acknowledge the sexual tension I felt. But nothing happened. It was all imagined. I've just never planned something like that so quickly. It was a first.

I'll be starting on B tonight, and I'm wondering--TID? I noticed a LOT on that walk.

[findingme]

2nd night of B so far. No resistance in any way like I had on A.

B is moving in me, and I feel/sense changes happening. On the clearing side, I think the OE is making some major changes. Razib (I believe) has had a run of crying in his thread on B, and it kind of shocked me. On that note, I feel like B digs deep, making (for me) some major transitioning. Due to this, I'm sure tears are coming for me too. Change means letting go of my old ways, so yes, tears will happen. I look forward to it.

I am feeling my sexual attractions more and more, and I see it mostly while at work. We're driving around on my job, and women outnumber men 2:1 on the road. I used to carry this shame of preying on women--well, I felt shame all the time, so that point's mute. I'm looking, but I'm not needing them, which is an emotional freedom for me. I can choose.

Ok, one instance yesterday. We stopped at a gas station, and a young blond was outside smoking, maybe 20. I went in to get a drink, feeling nervous. But I walked in, not making a scene or being fake. I didn't catch her attention while walking in. I picked up my drink, and while in line, she walked back in the store. I looked at her, seeking to catch her eyes. She did, and held it, but I sensed she was nervous. I finished and left. Well, my coworker had gone in while I walked out, so I U-turned to go chat with him and another driver who had stopped. The girl I had just seen was behind the counter now, and when I looked at her, she lit up, eyes wide with a big smile. Now it was me who felt nervous. I did not hold her gaze.

I'm like "oh s***, I thought I'd be smooth". I didn't pursue or acknowledge her any more. Thank you guys for sharing similar experiences, or I'd not have shared that. I'm still in this "I should hunt" mentality, and living in the south, that thought pervades. So, nothing major, but something is different. And it's very doable on B.

That's all. I got to get ready for work now.