Transcendent Sith Lord's DMSI 3.3 D Journal

[DarthXedonias]

I'm not sure if this is outcome independence or apathy. It doesn't feel like apathy much because apathy has this kind of "dreary" feel to it. This feels like some zen, silent confidence type of thing that is going on

I've had a few times where I thought I didn't really care anymore, on UD this happened. I was obsessing less about girls, but when I realized it was apathy was that when I was out somewhere and would see girls the same old feelings were coming up, fear and annoyance and such.

I think that's the difference. If this carries out to actual interactions or when around girls then it's more legit.

The zen, silent confidence sounds awesome though and like it's real in this case, as opposed to apathy.

Yeah, that's what I wondered about but I'm starting to think its the real deal despite it feeling "weird" to me (probably cause I'm not use to it yet). For example, after the movie I was talking to this guy and this girl in the break room at the old job (at the theater). At one point I tried to concentrate on the girl who is "ok" (probably like a 6.5/10, maybe a 6) to see if their was any reaction. After like a few quick seconds its like I just said in my mind, "I'm not interested at all" and I just stopped and didn't give a shit afterwards. Before on other versions I would constantly be looking for reactions that the sub was working now I really, really don't care. I can try to consciously try to look for them but give up I literally have no feeling about the result whatsoever. I will keep an eye on this though as I'm not sure if this is resistance to the degree of "well, I will just keep the aura from firing by making my standards too high".

With that said I think there is something I need to inform Shannon about that if true might be a huge problem/loophole that might need to be closed or it might potential cause problems in the future. I'm not totally "sure" about this and might need a few more weeks to confirm but feel like I should report this anyway. Even though I have come to terms with this, due to 3.2A, internally I still have some slight discomfort admitting this to other people but I feel it needs to be detailed so the whole situation can be analyzed and assessed.

Anyway, I came to terms with the fact earlier this week that, like Sarge, I am "slightly" Bi. My caveat being that this "bi" tendency seems to be only towards what people would call "traps". I'm fine with this seeing as I would say I am overwhelmingly attracted to just women and this seems to just be a slight add on to that. The thing is though, I have reason to believe based on something that happened today and then having some introspection that this might be my subconscious playing games. Not necessarily on the whole Bi thing as an whole but I think it might be using it as an escape route. Basically, "Well, I know your a lot more into women but I'm going to make the standards for women very high so they don't get affected by the aura but lower it for men,subconsciously, because I'm more afraid of women". I hope that makes sense. It has ran across my mind that I could simply be so afraid of women,subconsciously, that I rather change my sexual interests than have to execute on women. Like I said though, its not confirmed for me but it is something that I'm starting to believe is going on. I know you try not to "step on people's toes", as you said before, with what you put in the subs but I do think it might need to be looked into because if true I could see it causing problems of not really getting what you want out of the program and settling for less out of fear.

I do have a question but I will ask that in the Discussion Journal instead. As for other things that have gone on I did look at porn again today after not doing so since a few days before 3.2A released. I did notice that I had a lot more sensitivity but noticed something more interesting. I had some anger afterwards, partly from failing to keep myself from watching it but this anger was really pathetic. It was like I consciously on so part needed to remain angry and I couldn't even do that for more than a few mins. This anger like I said was pathetic when compared to the anger I used to have. It felt like a match compared to a bonfire. After a while I just said, I'm not angry and I just stopped. It felt just stupid being angry for failing. Interestingly I just said well I will just keep on trying and trying to not give into bad habits to the best of my ability. This was a way different reaction than what I am use to and don't know where this came from.

In regards to my past I can really get angry or even think about it honestly. Its just like with when I tried E2 that one time. Its like something in my mind keeps me from consciously even trying to think about it. I think the thing that resolved it was it was like I went back to the memories with a new perspective on it and noticed certain sub communication that was going on. I realized that many of the people that abused me were weak and pathetic (harsh words but that's what my mind came up with). If someone if going to abuse you without cause it just shows that their weak and have their own insecurities that they refuse to deal with and rather cover them up by raising their value of themselves artificially by putting down some unsuspecting person. They don't want to work hard to become strong they want to tear down someone else for a momentary feeling of being strong.

After my mind realized that it felt like most issues were resolved. This has been reflected in the way I treat the part of me that is resisting. If it tries to bring up one those memories (which it rarely can now) I just laugh and put it on ignore. If I can't stand that weakness in others why would I accept that own weakness from a part of my own mind? Also, that memory is not that person. For all I know that person right now might be a totally different person now or not even alive any more. It nothing but an ghost of someone else that I've been fighting for all these years. I think if I keep up with this for a bit longer and keep track with listening to the sub I should be fine by the end of April I think.

Anyway, that's all for now.Will see you guys later