Day 36 30/3/2018
I've had quite a depressive day today and think perhaps now is the time to shed light on a few things. I've had some time to think about stuff today.
I think I may be suffering some form of anxiety/PTSD, starting approx 3.5 years ago. I'm became aware I was changing back then but just thought it was normal. About 6 months ago I came to the realisation that there is a problem and tried to get help. There has been 2 long periods of time in my life, one at a young age and one at adult age that I think I can attribute to where continous events may have affected me. Without digressing too much, from the age of a toddler up until 21 I constantly and regularly witnessed extreme verbal abuse between my parents and occasionally physical, largely due to my mother and her taste for alcohol. This even continued when I moved back home briefly at the age of 23/24.
Secondly, I was a nightclub bouncer for 6 years from the age of 22, I witnessed and partaked in some extreme violent situations in self defence and even had an instance where I accidentally hurt somebody extremely bad. None of this affected me or registered in my mind at the time until I quit the job and it was like the floodgates just opened, 3.5 years ago.
I saw a doctor 6 months ago to say I don't feel right, told her these reasons and she palmed me off, basically verbalising to me that PTSD is for veterans, firefighters etc. So I felt like shit and thought how unthoughtful of me to think I could have that. But only until today, fuck her. I don't believe it's just for people who have experienced one off extreme situations, my logic tells me of course it can build up over time, a group of events of the same type can also cause it right? After all, war is not a single event, it's a series of situations/fights etc. that all add up. My point is, i'm not ashamed now to think I could have this disorder and hope I can find some way of treating it by accepting it's there. I split with my ex of 6 years just 6 months ago and when I look back, I was detached from her for no reason at all.
So I don't know at the moment how I will proceed as far as subs are concerned. A large part of my anxiety appears to come from the nightclub job as I look at every single person in the street as if they are going to hurt me, I can't walk past a single person without visualising how i'm going to be able to counter if they attack me. I need to get this sorted. In my ideal world I wish I could reattract my ex and tell her what is happening and why I made her feel like she did. Maybe she would understand it wasn't a conscious effort. The problem is I haven't even seen her in those 6 months. She collects stuff from the house, texts me occasionally but i'm still closed off to her from the shame of the breakup.
Dating other girls, i'm not even sure if it helps anymore.
I have a big decision to make whether to stop this sub now and switch to something else or stop all subs. Will 3.2A help me in any way? Will AM6 help me in any way?
Sorry for the long post guys, I have no one to tell this to and if nothing else it helps by me just writing it out.
I've had quite a depressive day today and think perhaps now is the time to shed light on a few things. I've had some time to think about stuff today.
I think I may be suffering some form of anxiety/PTSD, starting approx 3.5 years ago. I'm became aware I was changing back then but just thought it was normal. About 6 months ago I came to the realisation that there is a problem and tried to get help. There has been 2 long periods of time in my life, one at a young age and one at adult age that I think I can attribute to where continous events may have affected me. Without digressing too much, from the age of a toddler up until 21 I constantly and regularly witnessed extreme verbal abuse between my parents and occasionally physical, largely due to my mother and her taste for alcohol. This even continued when I moved back home briefly at the age of 23/24.
Secondly, I was a nightclub bouncer for 6 years from the age of 22, I witnessed and partaked in some extreme violent situations in self defence and even had an instance where I accidentally hurt somebody extremely bad. None of this affected me or registered in my mind at the time until I quit the job and it was like the floodgates just opened, 3.5 years ago.
I saw a doctor 6 months ago to say I don't feel right, told her these reasons and she palmed me off, basically verbalising to me that PTSD is for veterans, firefighters etc. So I felt like shit and thought how unthoughtful of me to think I could have that. But only until today, fuck her. I don't believe it's just for people who have experienced one off extreme situations, my logic tells me of course it can build up over time, a group of events of the same type can also cause it right? After all, war is not a single event, it's a series of situations/fights etc. that all add up. My point is, i'm not ashamed now to think I could have this disorder and hope I can find some way of treating it by accepting it's there. I split with my ex of 6 years just 6 months ago and when I look back, I was detached from her for no reason at all.
So I don't know at the moment how I will proceed as far as subs are concerned. A large part of my anxiety appears to come from the nightclub job as I look at every single person in the street as if they are going to hurt me, I can't walk past a single person without visualising how i'm going to be able to counter if they attack me. I need to get this sorted. In my ideal world I wish I could reattract my ex and tell her what is happening and why I made her feel like she did. Maybe she would understand it wasn't a conscious effort. The problem is I haven't even seen her in those 6 months. She collects stuff from the house, texts me occasionally but i'm still closed off to her from the shame of the breakup.
Dating other girls, i'm not even sure if it helps anymore.
I have a big decision to make whether to stop this sub now and switch to something else or stop all subs. Will 3.2A help me in any way? Will AM6 help me in any way?
Sorry for the long post guys, I have no one to tell this to and if nothing else it helps by me just writing it out.
