I'm writing here seeking some hope. I have written before and found answers, so I'm doing this again.
I don't know what will transpire.
I have wondered around my entire life following people, their advice, and their actions. I used Universal Detox starting somewhere around 5 months ago, and finished it up 2 months back. This is relevant since I was actively following, listening, and obeying anyone. While using UD, I realized I followed anyone/anything in FEAR of them hurting me (abandoning me) constantly, and I'd lied to myself repeatedly (daily) so I'd not know I went around terrified. I kept up the social front, not knowing what else there was.
And UD began to unhinge me from my lying devotion. I even pulled out of some rituals I'd done for years, like 12 meetings and church (entirely), since I felt vulnerable to lie to myself and others if I went back. Even lately, I've imagined going back to church. Damn. I see the following scenario in my head.
I walk into church, wishing to not go around lying.
Someone I know walks up excitedly, "hey findingme, it's GOOD to see you! How've you been?!"
I'm stuck on that point. I used to always have an answer, a "front" to basically keep people from REALLY knowing me, but still looking positive. To handle my unease with my dishonesty, I'd withdraw in 12 step meetings, and.......pull back from ALL relationships in church. I've spent decades in both. I'd say "I'm ok, fine (anything but "TERRIFIED of being honest!") A fake smiling face ensued.
I'm on SE 5.5 currently, and after a month, my imagining of the above scenario doesn't have me squirm as much as it did 4 months back. I say this since I've practiced being myself some at work, and I've seen some relax around me. One coworker, a very quiet man whom I suspect has integrity, gave a big, genuine smile when I walked past him yesterday. I've never even spoken to this man. Did I (earn, create...) that? I grew up thinking all love was earned, not freely given.
Shannon said to me: Transforming into a butterfly requires the caterpillar to let go of being a caterpillar.
I'm learning what that means.
Vulnerability. My spirituality, my relationship with God, is close to my heart. It's taken some grieving of the "old self" (not spiritual terms there). And God is still seeking my attention, though quietly at times. I see birds a lot in my job, and I listen to them more lately. I think God can be very personable, yet very unpredictable. I know he can be persistent too. I've thought about him more in the last month, probably since starting SE.
And to be honest here, I still guard my heart when I speak to him lately. I've vocalized my fears of trusting him, of thinking he'll send s*** my way once I seek him out again...........fearing (or believing) I'll say "F*** YOU!!" and be rejected. I'm using subs to give me the courage to speak to him honestly and openly, instead of living in fear non-stop. Most of my honesty happens in the shower. I have no idea why.
While writing those last sentences, my mind flashed back to old mindsets of trusting a smiling leader implicitly (trusting THEM vs. God), and ....fearing abandonment once again. (I paste old family happenings into my spiritual life OFTEN). So, I see God as angry or rejecting as my own parents were. BTW, I didn't meet or talk to my own father until I was 17; I decided to approach him, and he was lost. Died in '92, 3 years after I'd met him.
But I still put leaders on some God status, like "I'm supposed to trust them".
Damn. I'm thinking "that sounds like what a small child would think". Absolutely. This is EXACTLY how I've been thinking. I'm in my mid 40's too.
And to repeat what I wrote above: I'm learning what (letting go of being a caterpillar) means. Tears came at this last moment.
I don't know what will transpire.
I have wondered around my entire life following people, their advice, and their actions. I used Universal Detox starting somewhere around 5 months ago, and finished it up 2 months back. This is relevant since I was actively following, listening, and obeying anyone. While using UD, I realized I followed anyone/anything in FEAR of them hurting me (abandoning me) constantly, and I'd lied to myself repeatedly (daily) so I'd not know I went around terrified. I kept up the social front, not knowing what else there was.
And UD began to unhinge me from my lying devotion. I even pulled out of some rituals I'd done for years, like 12 meetings and church (entirely), since I felt vulnerable to lie to myself and others if I went back. Even lately, I've imagined going back to church. Damn. I see the following scenario in my head.
I walk into church, wishing to not go around lying.
Someone I know walks up excitedly, "hey findingme, it's GOOD to see you! How've you been?!"
I'm stuck on that point. I used to always have an answer, a "front" to basically keep people from REALLY knowing me, but still looking positive. To handle my unease with my dishonesty, I'd withdraw in 12 step meetings, and.......pull back from ALL relationships in church. I've spent decades in both. I'd say "I'm ok, fine (anything but "TERRIFIED of being honest!") A fake smiling face ensued.
I'm on SE 5.5 currently, and after a month, my imagining of the above scenario doesn't have me squirm as much as it did 4 months back. I say this since I've practiced being myself some at work, and I've seen some relax around me. One coworker, a very quiet man whom I suspect has integrity, gave a big, genuine smile when I walked past him yesterday. I've never even spoken to this man. Did I (earn, create...) that? I grew up thinking all love was earned, not freely given.
Shannon said to me: Transforming into a butterfly requires the caterpillar to let go of being a caterpillar.
I'm learning what that means.
Vulnerability. My spirituality, my relationship with God, is close to my heart. It's taken some grieving of the "old self" (not spiritual terms there). And God is still seeking my attention, though quietly at times. I see birds a lot in my job, and I listen to them more lately. I think God can be very personable, yet very unpredictable. I know he can be persistent too. I've thought about him more in the last month, probably since starting SE.
And to be honest here, I still guard my heart when I speak to him lately. I've vocalized my fears of trusting him, of thinking he'll send s*** my way once I seek him out again...........fearing (or believing) I'll say "F*** YOU!!" and be rejected. I'm using subs to give me the courage to speak to him honestly and openly, instead of living in fear non-stop. Most of my honesty happens in the shower. I have no idea why.
While writing those last sentences, my mind flashed back to old mindsets of trusting a smiling leader implicitly (trusting THEM vs. God), and ....fearing abandonment once again. (I paste old family happenings into my spiritual life OFTEN). So, I see God as angry or rejecting as my own parents were. BTW, I didn't meet or talk to my own father until I was 17; I decided to approach him, and he was lost. Died in '92, 3 years after I'd met him.
But I still put leaders on some God status, like "I'm supposed to trust them".
Damn. I'm thinking "that sounds like what a small child would think". Absolutely. This is EXACTLY how I've been thinking. I'm in my mid 40's too.
And to repeat what I wrote above: I'm learning what (letting go of being a caterpillar) means. Tears came at this last moment.
I want to be FREE!
