Let's bend some reality and muse randomly - DMSI 3.1

[Have at ye]

TID clearing/healing in definite progress. I feel the Wall closing in, lol, and certain aspects of myself are less than pleased about it - I get angry, aggressive impulses and imagery from them. It's just the part that was doing its damnedest to slip through 3.1, going as far as to sabotage my overall progress, but it's close to getting on-board. I think I've got the general gist of what's what now. In short: there's a part of me that craves dependency, and will not feel safe or satisfied unless it receives "full-service" attention and comfort *from the outside*/from other people, as it feels as though it has not gotten it, like, ever. Probably a developmental thing, I can see multiple reasons that it is so, but unfortunately no single definite "oy, that's when the dog done died" moment in my recollections; it is quite possible that it has begun forming prior to conscious memory forming (and I have an extremely good memory), and then was further reinforced by: 1) being hopeful that this time around, the needs will be met, 2) getting burned again. And again. And again. And afterwards setting myself up to get burned again. And again. And again to reinforce the truth of its beliefs pertaining to the particular survival strategy that has emerged in response to these experiences.

The saddest fact is that the survival strategy is at COMPLETE ODDS to the needs as expressed by this part of myself/my subconscious. It consists of: a) not trusting anyone to meet my needs, b) the obsessive need for control and self-control, which springs from the belief that no one is there to meet my needs unconditionally, or even without giving me the short end of the stick in the bargain, c) a drive for independence and self-reliance - BUT, as evidenced above, these all sprout from a subconscious CRAVING for being dependent in order to feel safe. See how wonky it gets? It's no wonder doing certain things, and effecting certain changes was like pulling teeth for me: MY SUBCONSCIOUS DRIVES HAVE BEEN WORKING WITH CONTRADICTORY AGENDAS ALL THIS TIME. AAAAARRRGH.

So, yeah, that's that, in short. I might try to write something more lucid/more elaborate on this subject at a later date, but now I've got a boring editing job on which I've been procrastinating and want off my plate ASAP. Afterwards, I'll be free to muse randomly to my heart's content.

(Interestingly enough, I've revisited the "Hannibal Lecter" trilogy by Thomas Harris for some reason while procrastinating [Red Dragon, Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal]. Even though they're "psychological thrillers", quite a bit of... very interesting insights can be found within, once you look past the *trigger-warning* worthy, shadow-titillating content, lol]