12-03-2017, 04:12 PM
I am feeling real low, and I think I've been waiting on affirmations/validation from others to say I'm likeable/lovable........that I am worth it in life. My sleep has been on and off, my diet's similar, lots of coffee, and little socializing. I did see friends last night, but I even considered bailing when one didn't show up like he'd said. He showed up 2 hours late. During my wait, I'd put on ASC ultrasonic on my phone, and I felt myself getting intolerant. I made a deadline for myself, and he showed up 15 minutes later. I had some honest moments last night, so it was good I stayed.
I know I'm low, and that's why I'm writing. I don't want pity responses, and I've not written due to that old norm in my head--manipulating for attention. I am lonely, yet pity won't help me. I don't want that.
I'm needing to dump my stuff though. I shared last night with my old sponsor that I've not been to a meeting in 3 weeks, and he replied "none? None in 3 weeks?" I usually go to 2-3 meetings out of habit and "old comfort" feelings. I'm needing to connect. I even skipped out from seeing my mom today. I feel like s*** actually, but I had too much coffee last night, and I stayed in bed until noon. She lives a town away, my "kind of" valid reason for skipping. ................. I'm detecting I've been doing the same thing with her I've done in meetings, which is manipulating for attention and validation of who I am.
I'm mad at myself now, going back and forth, as I've "conveniently" hid this from everyone, myself included. I have created this lifestyle the last 10 years (at least) where my presence ALWAYS involved, in big or small ways, that.........I had a problem and needed (wanted) someone to meet me in it and resolve it with me--yes, old childhood thinking. I began counseling when I was only 18. I did that for 3 years (more for attention), finally discovering 12 step meetings. However, meetings often attract sick people, so my choices for listeners narrowed. People who go often aren't all available for me, like I want, when I wanted it. However, beggars can't be choosers, so I adapted. I'll be down, but if you're up, I'll put on my "up" face so I can not be alone. Same if I'm up, and you're down. I adapt quickly, and it's hurting me now. What's strange is if I see someone who's manipulating for attention, it bothers me. A voice in my head screams "BULL****!!" A guy at work does this. I have compassion and disgust both since he demands attention, yet I see a 40 year old teenager doing what I've done.
I've been keeping secrets of my sub usage. I'd used afformations subs for 2 nights previous (did UD last night), and began thinking "what am I afraid of?" Honesty? Growth? Change?
Yes. Every time an awareness hits me, I break down in tears, at least lately. Sharing last night with my old sponsor and another guy, I realized I'd not been to meetings for I feel a real flood coming, a torrent of tears, of grief. I've hurt myself a lot in recent years, mostly by ignoring or stuffing my truths. It's been about 2 months since I've shared and wept in a meeting. I said I wanted to do that--and it terrifies me --which makes no sense as I write that. I've tended to "clench up" my gut when afraid, holding it inside, hiding it from others---and seeking/desiring someone to ask me about me...........yes, I've sought people's attention, but rarely by being direct. I'm seeking a parental figure to pull it out of me (I see this in my head).
The last time I broke down in a meeting, I let 4 or 5 people speak first, and I finally took my chance. After I'd said my name, I just wept, having held it in, knowing I'd share it before I walked in the room. 90% of meetings I go in with my shields up, but this time I felt both scared and assertive about needing to share. I've wasted a LOT of time ignoring my feelings, fearing something or someone unsafe (imagined parental figures). I'm unsure of my actual pattern, but when I've opened my mouth to share, I've fantasized about safe, caring people, not always looking around.
Regarding subs, I began listening to ASC yesterday after reading some journals on it. I've been eyeing AM6, but ASC is free, it's 5G, so......I'm running it now. Yes, I'm mixing subs. I'm just really uncomfortable right now with what's coming up. And ASC gave me a little courage to write here.
I like UD's clearing out.....but does it replace anything? I bought it originally thinking it had LTU scripting, but I've been told that was an error. I've liked LTU, I've liked AM. Both since they not only defuse negativity and things which bring self harm, but replace them with things I want. Honesty. Integrity. Fairness. Truth. Self respect.
I'm all emotional, so I won't chase that right now. I'm trying to "be" somebody, while ignoring my untruths. Will turn UD back on tonight though. I am seeking a resolution inside myself. Maybe I'm seeking perfection.
I am desiring it.
I know I'm low, and that's why I'm writing. I don't want pity responses, and I've not written due to that old norm in my head--manipulating for attention. I am lonely, yet pity won't help me. I don't want that.
I'm needing to dump my stuff though. I shared last night with my old sponsor that I've not been to a meeting in 3 weeks, and he replied "none? None in 3 weeks?" I usually go to 2-3 meetings out of habit and "old comfort" feelings. I'm needing to connect. I even skipped out from seeing my mom today. I feel like s*** actually, but I had too much coffee last night, and I stayed in bed until noon. She lives a town away, my "kind of" valid reason for skipping. ................. I'm detecting I've been doing the same thing with her I've done in meetings, which is manipulating for attention and validation of who I am.
I'm mad at myself now, going back and forth, as I've "conveniently" hid this from everyone, myself included. I have created this lifestyle the last 10 years (at least) where my presence ALWAYS involved, in big or small ways, that.........I had a problem and needed (wanted) someone to meet me in it and resolve it with me--yes, old childhood thinking. I began counseling when I was only 18. I did that for 3 years (more for attention), finally discovering 12 step meetings. However, meetings often attract sick people, so my choices for listeners narrowed. People who go often aren't all available for me, like I want, when I wanted it. However, beggars can't be choosers, so I adapted. I'll be down, but if you're up, I'll put on my "up" face so I can not be alone. Same if I'm up, and you're down. I adapt quickly, and it's hurting me now. What's strange is if I see someone who's manipulating for attention, it bothers me. A voice in my head screams "BULL****!!" A guy at work does this. I have compassion and disgust both since he demands attention, yet I see a 40 year old teenager doing what I've done.
I've been keeping secrets of my sub usage. I'd used afformations subs for 2 nights previous (did UD last night), and began thinking "what am I afraid of?" Honesty? Growth? Change?
Yes. Every time an awareness hits me, I break down in tears, at least lately. Sharing last night with my old sponsor and another guy, I realized I'd not been to meetings for I feel a real flood coming, a torrent of tears, of grief. I've hurt myself a lot in recent years, mostly by ignoring or stuffing my truths. It's been about 2 months since I've shared and wept in a meeting. I said I wanted to do that--and it terrifies me --which makes no sense as I write that. I've tended to "clench up" my gut when afraid, holding it inside, hiding it from others---and seeking/desiring someone to ask me about me...........yes, I've sought people's attention, but rarely by being direct. I'm seeking a parental figure to pull it out of me (I see this in my head).
The last time I broke down in a meeting, I let 4 or 5 people speak first, and I finally took my chance. After I'd said my name, I just wept, having held it in, knowing I'd share it before I walked in the room. 90% of meetings I go in with my shields up, but this time I felt both scared and assertive about needing to share. I've wasted a LOT of time ignoring my feelings, fearing something or someone unsafe (imagined parental figures). I'm unsure of my actual pattern, but when I've opened my mouth to share, I've fantasized about safe, caring people, not always looking around.
Regarding subs, I began listening to ASC yesterday after reading some journals on it. I've been eyeing AM6, but ASC is free, it's 5G, so......I'm running it now. Yes, I'm mixing subs. I'm just really uncomfortable right now with what's coming up. And ASC gave me a little courage to write here.
I like UD's clearing out.....but does it replace anything? I bought it originally thinking it had LTU scripting, but I've been told that was an error. I've liked LTU, I've liked AM. Both since they not only defuse negativity and things which bring self harm, but replace them with things I want. Honesty. Integrity. Fairness. Truth. Self respect.
I'm all emotional, so I won't chase that right now. I'm trying to "be" somebody, while ignoring my untruths. Will turn UD back on tonight though. I am seeking a resolution inside myself. Maybe I'm seeking perfection.
I am desiring it.
I want to be FREE!
