11-19-2017, 07:54 AM
I'm seeing something new, to me.
I've been very anxious listening to UD, and I've hung on for this last week. What I'm realizing is that I have resisted some changes coming to me, things like acceptance of myself, of my own spiritual beliefs, of my goals and desires, and of even............growth :-)
For the record, I've attempted many years to NOT grow up. I saw adults as being some very miserable people growing up, and my mind has been a non-stop fantasyland even in my 30's and early 40's, while married. My daughter, now 13, was "permission" for me to be young again. My wife despised it, as she didn't enjoy young children. I reveled in it, playing my part with joy and creativity on-demand :-)
And I thought "someday, someday, someday........I'll grow up". I equated it with acting and ignoring feelings. Yes, I thought successful adults had emotions I didn't have--as they were happy, outgoing, energetic, and successful in most of life. As an introvert, I hid more.
So, yesterday I woke up, having run UD while sleeping. I realized I have been creating problems for myself repeatedly, giving in to other's spoken or assumed desires for me, while I s*** on myself by dismissing who I am. I felt more empowered....wishing to write about it. Since I had to get ready for work, I did a "I'll do it later", which I thought I'd never do, thinking of my track record.
I even imagined me coming here, putting on some BS mask, sharing some false bravado image--and I let that thought sit in my head.
I'm getting to a good part. I had my 12 step meeting yesterday, my Saturday norm. Our first question was "if you could not fail, what would you do with your life?" It's a step 12 question.
I spoke first. I shared what I really wanted to do was........be honest in my life. I've been in fear for years (DECADES), playing the easiest part, the uninvolved part, the "I'll do the easiest (safest) part" so I'd be accepted by my peers. I feared my truths constantly, depending of other's leadings, putting many in a parental role. Embarrassing, but all too true. I did say I haven't wanted to grow up, and I played the part in all areas of life.
Yesterday, just vocalizing it was freeing for me. I gave life back to myself by....... by being honest. This is important to me. I even shared this was not the "I'll speak my mind, so F*** you!" mentality either. I have a person in my life still playing that role, 10 years actively. She is scared, hiding it with control and anger.
And I'm not led by that. I'm just being me. I never knew I could do this. I'll keep on UD as long as it is cleaning out my mind.
P.S. I had jumped around subs weeks back. I know now I was resisting. I came back to UD remembering it'll flush out the resistance if I give it time. It is working for me. Thank you for creating this Shannon.
I've been very anxious listening to UD, and I've hung on for this last week. What I'm realizing is that I have resisted some changes coming to me, things like acceptance of myself, of my own spiritual beliefs, of my goals and desires, and of even............growth :-)
For the record, I've attempted many years to NOT grow up. I saw adults as being some very miserable people growing up, and my mind has been a non-stop fantasyland even in my 30's and early 40's, while married. My daughter, now 13, was "permission" for me to be young again. My wife despised it, as she didn't enjoy young children. I reveled in it, playing my part with joy and creativity on-demand :-)
And I thought "someday, someday, someday........I'll grow up". I equated it with acting and ignoring feelings. Yes, I thought successful adults had emotions I didn't have--as they were happy, outgoing, energetic, and successful in most of life. As an introvert, I hid more.
So, yesterday I woke up, having run UD while sleeping. I realized I have been creating problems for myself repeatedly, giving in to other's spoken or assumed desires for me, while I s*** on myself by dismissing who I am. I felt more empowered....wishing to write about it. Since I had to get ready for work, I did a "I'll do it later", which I thought I'd never do, thinking of my track record.
I even imagined me coming here, putting on some BS mask, sharing some false bravado image--and I let that thought sit in my head.
I'm getting to a good part. I had my 12 step meeting yesterday, my Saturday norm. Our first question was "if you could not fail, what would you do with your life?" It's a step 12 question.
I spoke first. I shared what I really wanted to do was........be honest in my life. I've been in fear for years (DECADES), playing the easiest part, the uninvolved part, the "I'll do the easiest (safest) part" so I'd be accepted by my peers. I feared my truths constantly, depending of other's leadings, putting many in a parental role. Embarrassing, but all too true. I did say I haven't wanted to grow up, and I played the part in all areas of life.
Yesterday, just vocalizing it was freeing for me. I gave life back to myself by....... by being honest. This is important to me. I even shared this was not the "I'll speak my mind, so F*** you!" mentality either. I have a person in my life still playing that role, 10 years actively. She is scared, hiding it with control and anger.
And I'm not led by that. I'm just being me. I never knew I could do this. I'll keep on UD as long as it is cleaning out my mind.
P.S. I had jumped around subs weeks back. I know now I was resisting. I came back to UD remembering it'll flush out the resistance if I give it time. It is working for me. Thank you for creating this Shannon.
I want to be FREE!
