I've been on and off UD these last 2 weeks. I'd be wanting some motivation, some goal, some dream to chase--something I could put my hands (and head) on and control. UD's biggest stated goal, to me, is a general lack and loss of negative thinking. And it's shaken me many times from known holds I've had in life. I imagined me on crutches in life--and UD was gnawing at my very holds on the life I've felt desperate to to hang on to.
I've jumped on other vendor's subs some nights, and I've very often jumped back on to E2, or OGSF. OGSF still makes me feel uncomfortable if doing it over 2 days--I feel discontent using it long-term since it offers no solution or replacement with my fears (my crutches) removed. So E2 has been a frequent fallback since it's well-rounded, plus I often feel better after a night's run of it.
I came home tonight, turning on E2 when I first got in. However, I felt not ok with this. I turned on UD instead. I'd hung onto UD for a very big reason: it eroded my bull****, and I BS myself first, all the time. I'd been thinking about this today. I wondered if it had broken through all my BS.....
And less than 5 minutes ago.........anger began surfacing. The kind of anger which screams inside me that something is NOT right.
And my mind loops back to "shouldn't I feel better, not worse?" It does feel nice to feel good using any sub--the main reason I'd jumped off it, to search for that. E2 has "positive thinking, positive attitude" which was beautiful when it came out. I became unusually optimistic at times, maybe annoyinlgly so. All I know was I felt good.
I'm in a mixed spot here writing, as I "remembered" that on E2, but I'm living now, listening to UD, becoming clearly saddened, disheartened, and unsure how "I'm supposed to fix this", something I realized today are old survival patterns. But old patterns didn't solve anything. Nothing changed.
Writing here is uncomfortable, out of my comfort zone, but since other sub users are here, I write. UD is a major unknown, as far as known outcomes. Hell, I'd even been checking out BASE, MLS, and DMSI lately since their goals are clear, and I can imagine outcomes on each. I have few stated goals on UD.
Point blank: I'm whining. I don't know where I'm going. Will rest.
That I've never stated: UD has tired me out moreso than any sub I've ever used. Sleep is needed using it for me.
I've jumped on other vendor's subs some nights, and I've very often jumped back on to E2, or OGSF. OGSF still makes me feel uncomfortable if doing it over 2 days--I feel discontent using it long-term since it offers no solution or replacement with my fears (my crutches) removed. So E2 has been a frequent fallback since it's well-rounded, plus I often feel better after a night's run of it.
I came home tonight, turning on E2 when I first got in. However, I felt not ok with this. I turned on UD instead. I'd hung onto UD for a very big reason: it eroded my bull****, and I BS myself first, all the time. I'd been thinking about this today. I wondered if it had broken through all my BS.....
And less than 5 minutes ago.........anger began surfacing. The kind of anger which screams inside me that something is NOT right.
And my mind loops back to "shouldn't I feel better, not worse?" It does feel nice to feel good using any sub--the main reason I'd jumped off it, to search for that. E2 has "positive thinking, positive attitude" which was beautiful when it came out. I became unusually optimistic at times, maybe annoyinlgly so. All I know was I felt good.
I'm in a mixed spot here writing, as I "remembered" that on E2, but I'm living now, listening to UD, becoming clearly saddened, disheartened, and unsure how "I'm supposed to fix this", something I realized today are old survival patterns. But old patterns didn't solve anything. Nothing changed.
Writing here is uncomfortable, out of my comfort zone, but since other sub users are here, I write. UD is a major unknown, as far as known outcomes. Hell, I'd even been checking out BASE, MLS, and DMSI lately since their goals are clear, and I can imagine outcomes on each. I have few stated goals on UD.
Point blank: I'm whining. I don't know where I'm going. Will rest.
That I've never stated: UD has tired me out moreso than any sub I've ever used. Sleep is needed using it for me.
I want to be FREE!
