10-31-2017, 04:56 AM
Ok. I'm entering something new, something I've conveniently and repeatedly denied and excused. I've lied to myself year after year about it.
It's fear and anger I've had towards my mother, mostly from childhood. I'm 46, so I've had a lot of practice denying it.
In a recovery forum I've frequented about 4 years, I shared last night how I'm reacting to imaginations of my angry landlord, a woman. I've been behind on rent, and I gave her a deadline of today, the 31st, since I had a broker payment scheduled. Due to finding out the payment may or may not come on time, I brewed in fear a couple of days.
While sitting in this fear, I recalled growing up with an often-angry mother, blaming us for unknown or created problems constantly. I learned to adapt quickly growing up, but.....I never rested. Mom would always come around, throwing peace out the window. I learned that playing submissive offered better results, as I didn't demand power. But....I never faced my initial anger and distrust of her. I sidelined it completely.
I've swallowed that anger, that opposition in me, a million times. Sitting here, I'm even struggling trying to put it in its place clearly. I feared being angry towards my mom, and I NEVER expressed it. I simply played submissive to her--hoping to manipulate her for my benefit. I thought "if I'm nice to her, she'll be nice to me". It often resulted in less severe punishments than my brothers, and ...... I still use this today. At work, it works almost on a daily basis, as men notice this and often react, changing their messages or approach often to be nice to me. I sense some dishonesty in my actions. I'm only at awareness now.
Back to the mom issue. I think UD is opening me up to a deeper honesty, which is being honest about a me I've always distracted myself from.
And.. I need to add--I hid this from myself and readers here--that I've been facing some resistance running this some nights. I'll be about to jump in bed, and a train of feelings and thoughts accumulate telling me "let's listen to something ELSE". This has been happening at least 2 weeks, me missing 2 out of 7 nights listening.
Considering what I shared today, it's making sense now. I'm in brand new territory now, one which is changing me from the inside.
It's fear and anger I've had towards my mother, mostly from childhood. I'm 46, so I've had a lot of practice denying it.
In a recovery forum I've frequented about 4 years, I shared last night how I'm reacting to imaginations of my angry landlord, a woman. I've been behind on rent, and I gave her a deadline of today, the 31st, since I had a broker payment scheduled. Due to finding out the payment may or may not come on time, I brewed in fear a couple of days.
While sitting in this fear, I recalled growing up with an often-angry mother, blaming us for unknown or created problems constantly. I learned to adapt quickly growing up, but.....I never rested. Mom would always come around, throwing peace out the window. I learned that playing submissive offered better results, as I didn't demand power. But....I never faced my initial anger and distrust of her. I sidelined it completely.
I've swallowed that anger, that opposition in me, a million times. Sitting here, I'm even struggling trying to put it in its place clearly. I feared being angry towards my mom, and I NEVER expressed it. I simply played submissive to her--hoping to manipulate her for my benefit. I thought "if I'm nice to her, she'll be nice to me". It often resulted in less severe punishments than my brothers, and ...... I still use this today. At work, it works almost on a daily basis, as men notice this and often react, changing their messages or approach often to be nice to me. I sense some dishonesty in my actions. I'm only at awareness now.
Back to the mom issue. I think UD is opening me up to a deeper honesty, which is being honest about a me I've always distracted myself from.
And.. I need to add--I hid this from myself and readers here--that I've been facing some resistance running this some nights. I'll be about to jump in bed, and a train of feelings and thoughts accumulate telling me "let's listen to something ELSE". This has been happening at least 2 weeks, me missing 2 out of 7 nights listening.
Considering what I shared today, it's making sense now. I'm in brand new territory now, one which is changing me from the inside.
I want to be FREE!
