10-29-2017, 06:13 AM
I'll join this conversation.
I'm findingme, and have been running Universal Detox (UD) for over 2 months now. I'd done E2 for 6 months prior, as I found IML when looking for subliminals to counter shame.
I've been in 12 step rooms for over 20 years. Alcohol or drugs have never been thing, so I was in AlAnon for years, and am presently in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), which was my very first meeting in 1992. I still go to AA meetings sometimes, as I often hear what I'm looking for. I've often seen our motivations to run are the very same. That's my background.
For the present time, I'm seeing new things. UD came on steadily, exposing my lying to myself (fear-based). Even E2 did not give me such awarenesses. But my own denial of fear has won for decades. I went to meetings still seeking support to stay in my fears--this is what I did, but feeling worse and worse as time passed on.
Fear was my drug of choice. If you said "do THIS, and you'll feel better!", I'd quickly check to see if it derailed my fear ride. Most likely, I'd smile and agree, waiting to part so I could snuggle in my bed of fear. It was uncomfortable, but it was familiar. I knew it well, my family has modeled it, and new things were labelled as "dangerous", so I rarely did new things.
I didn't enjoy the conflict I felt with people who were growing, and if I did, I separated myself from them or the organizations which conflicted with me attaining my drug. And in truth, I hid NON-STOP. Isolation was my habit. Fear dug its heels in DEEP.
But can fear be compared with alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc.? Am I on the same page?
I think so. Let me explain my understanding.
This last week I was reading in my ACA reader, and the day's subject was the "inner drug store". The first paragraph stated:
"Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again."
The cycle is excitement (fear), pain, and shame. I've done this time, time, and time again. Showing up late for meetings or work. Putting 10 things on my to-do list when I can realistically do 4. I commit to something big, like a graduate degree, training for a new position at work, or investing for a good return (I've done all). Next, I..........screw it up. I stopped grad school my first week. I've not trained for a position yet (been there 2 years), and I've not saved enough deposit money repeatedly, so I'm forced to pay the broker more before withdrawing--no payouts resulted.
I then feel pain since I've not completed my goals, any of them.
I then turn to shaming or belittling myself. I hide more, fearing exposure, imagining exposure.
BUT WAIT!! I can do (something BIG!.....again). I return to the first thing I did: excitement, which is fear in disguise. I do the same thing, in different ways.
Fear, pain, shame. That's the inner drug store, and I've seen both clean and active addicts and alcoholics using the same mindset. I've gone in this loop hundreds and hundreds of times.
UD is helping me be honest. I've been sharing these awarenesses in meetings, here in my journal, and with safe people in my life.
But each addiction has its own issues and requirements. Lying has been mine, so I'm telling on myself more. Drugs have a physical component, and I've been in NA meetings where people were 1 or 2 weeks clean, and they were jonesing for relief. Finding things to replace the old drugs is an ongoing journey to those on it, as I'm still finding my own. But talking and writing about it is part of my healing journey.
Fear was the base of all my actions. And UD is healing me. I know I've been in some resistance this last week, me skipping listening one night, but coming back here I read other's stories, and I'm encouraged. I am NOT alone, whatever the drug of choice is.
I'm findingme, and have been running Universal Detox (UD) for over 2 months now. I'd done E2 for 6 months prior, as I found IML when looking for subliminals to counter shame.
I've been in 12 step rooms for over 20 years. Alcohol or drugs have never been thing, so I was in AlAnon for years, and am presently in Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), which was my very first meeting in 1992. I still go to AA meetings sometimes, as I often hear what I'm looking for. I've often seen our motivations to run are the very same. That's my background.
For the present time, I'm seeing new things. UD came on steadily, exposing my lying to myself (fear-based). Even E2 did not give me such awarenesses. But my own denial of fear has won for decades. I went to meetings still seeking support to stay in my fears--this is what I did, but feeling worse and worse as time passed on.
Fear was my drug of choice. If you said "do THIS, and you'll feel better!", I'd quickly check to see if it derailed my fear ride. Most likely, I'd smile and agree, waiting to part so I could snuggle in my bed of fear. It was uncomfortable, but it was familiar. I knew it well, my family has modeled it, and new things were labelled as "dangerous", so I rarely did new things.
I didn't enjoy the conflict I felt with people who were growing, and if I did, I separated myself from them or the organizations which conflicted with me attaining my drug. And in truth, I hid NON-STOP. Isolation was my habit. Fear dug its heels in DEEP.
But can fear be compared with alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, etc.? Am I on the same page?
I think so. Let me explain my understanding.
This last week I was reading in my ACA reader, and the day's subject was the "inner drug store". The first paragraph stated:
"Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again."
The cycle is excitement (fear), pain, and shame. I've done this time, time, and time again. Showing up late for meetings or work. Putting 10 things on my to-do list when I can realistically do 4. I commit to something big, like a graduate degree, training for a new position at work, or investing for a good return (I've done all). Next, I..........screw it up. I stopped grad school my first week. I've not trained for a position yet (been there 2 years), and I've not saved enough deposit money repeatedly, so I'm forced to pay the broker more before withdrawing--no payouts resulted.
I then feel pain since I've not completed my goals, any of them.
I then turn to shaming or belittling myself. I hide more, fearing exposure, imagining exposure.
BUT WAIT!! I can do (something BIG!.....again). I return to the first thing I did: excitement, which is fear in disguise. I do the same thing, in different ways.
Fear, pain, shame. That's the inner drug store, and I've seen both clean and active addicts and alcoholics using the same mindset. I've gone in this loop hundreds and hundreds of times.
UD is helping me be honest. I've been sharing these awarenesses in meetings, here in my journal, and with safe people in my life.
But each addiction has its own issues and requirements. Lying has been mine, so I'm telling on myself more. Drugs have a physical component, and I've been in NA meetings where people were 1 or 2 weeks clean, and they were jonesing for relief. Finding things to replace the old drugs is an ongoing journey to those on it, as I'm still finding my own. But talking and writing about it is part of my healing journey.
Fear was the base of all my actions. And UD is healing me. I know I've been in some resistance this last week, me skipping listening one night, but coming back here I read other's stories, and I'm encouraged. I am NOT alone, whatever the drug of choice is.
I want to be FREE!
