10-28-2017, 05:33 PM
I'm struggling here, wondering what to write, as I pulled my laptop up 5 minutes ago with a thought to go with......and I doubted myself. I've often put on a mask when here--and I didn't want to do this. I am writing now, checking my truth constantly.
I was in a small group meeting today, only 3 of us, and I was pushing past my comfort levels to share what I was really thinking. I brought up the addiction mentality and my part in it. And I even held up the closing of the meeting. I've never done that. When a guy was about to close us out, I spoke up, for I needed to share more. I shared how I'd been bothered by another guy's aggressive actions, since I'd never done what he'd done, and I admitted I have pushed aside many life opportunities to be "safe". I knew it was safe to share, so I did. I'd "allowed" so many meetings to happen where, out of fear of feeling my own feelings, I kept it inside. I have done that hundreds of times.
When it was over.....I felt safe....relieved....satisfied. I did what I needed to do. I took care of my own emotional needs.
And maybe this is what I needed to do now--I just needed to own it again. I've been home, shoulding on myself a bit, and trying to ignore it. I could "do this, clean this, cook this" ......... I needed to air my laundry. I did it here.
That's all I needed to do tonight.
I was in a small group meeting today, only 3 of us, and I was pushing past my comfort levels to share what I was really thinking. I brought up the addiction mentality and my part in it. And I even held up the closing of the meeting. I've never done that. When a guy was about to close us out, I spoke up, for I needed to share more. I shared how I'd been bothered by another guy's aggressive actions, since I'd never done what he'd done, and I admitted I have pushed aside many life opportunities to be "safe". I knew it was safe to share, so I did. I'd "allowed" so many meetings to happen where, out of fear of feeling my own feelings, I kept it inside. I have done that hundreds of times.
When it was over.....I felt safe....relieved....satisfied. I did what I needed to do. I took care of my own emotional needs.
And maybe this is what I needed to do now--I just needed to own it again. I've been home, shoulding on myself a bit, and trying to ignore it. I could "do this, clean this, cook this" ......... I needed to air my laundry. I did it here.
That's all I needed to do tonight.
I want to be FREE!
