10-27-2017, 09:27 AM
AM refresher seems very potentially and I had good effects... so naturally I stopped it to do something else. I'm on OF 5G, day 6 now.
AM felt like a power sub, and I will return to it sooner or later for sure. Felt in control, centered, driven, aggressive, and sexy. Definitely back on track. Noticed that I was suddenly drawn to stretch and use my body and meditate, which I did not feel in the preceding months.
But after thinking about for a couple of days, fear is everywhere for me, and I'm always just trying to tolerate it. To resist and deal with all the performance anxiety, stress, social anxiety, conflicting goals. Fear of not being able to keep everyone happy, which I further traced to the thought "unless I can keep them happy, everyone will abandon me". Also for general interest I want to see how pure OF works, having already done E2 and OGSF. I'm thinking if I can clearly reduce the fear of emotions, and especially others seeing me experiencing negative emotions, I should be much better off.
So far, OF was slower to start showing or me feeling its effects. AM was day 1, OF maybe day 3. Now that I know I'm processing, I feel this is the right program for now. Not comfortable, but I don't really mind.
Stress levels at work are absolute crazy this week. Last night I dreamt I was in a group and we were all taking a math test. I was half-way through, then went to the bathroom, then they told me I can't continue after that and my test was the done. Feeling badly pissed and trapped because I could perform up to me best, and now everyone would think I suck. Seemed appropriate.
AM felt like a power sub, and I will return to it sooner or later for sure. Felt in control, centered, driven, aggressive, and sexy. Definitely back on track. Noticed that I was suddenly drawn to stretch and use my body and meditate, which I did not feel in the preceding months.
But after thinking about for a couple of days, fear is everywhere for me, and I'm always just trying to tolerate it. To resist and deal with all the performance anxiety, stress, social anxiety, conflicting goals. Fear of not being able to keep everyone happy, which I further traced to the thought "unless I can keep them happy, everyone will abandon me". Also for general interest I want to see how pure OF works, having already done E2 and OGSF. I'm thinking if I can clearly reduce the fear of emotions, and especially others seeing me experiencing negative emotions, I should be much better off.
So far, OF was slower to start showing or me feeling its effects. AM was day 1, OF maybe day 3. Now that I know I'm processing, I feel this is the right program for now. Not comfortable, but I don't really mind.
Stress levels at work are absolute crazy this week. Last night I dreamt I was in a group and we were all taking a math test. I was half-way through, then went to the bathroom, then they told me I can't continue after that and my test was the done. Feeling badly pissed and trapped because I could perform up to me best, and now everyone would think I suck. Seemed appropriate.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
