10-26-2017, 12:57 AM
I am thinking UD is hitting my core truths, ones I am still hanging on to. My "truth" that I'm helpless. My "truth" that I need saving. My "truth" that....I can't do life right. And my "truth" that if I focus on YOUR problems, I'll feel better about me.
I'm also seeing I'm disliking more unhealthy behaviors and thinking in people who aren't aware they're doing such things. Even my Saturday night hangout is with 2 clean addicts, both with 20 or more years in NA, but the daily choices I see don't fit me well. It's hard to be motivated to grow around people who are stagnant. One's main hobby is watching TV (retired in his 60's). The other.........I'm seeing I'm judging, for I've been in a similar mindset--the addict mentality I shared 2 posts up. It hurts seeing him make counterproductive choices, constantly seeking outside solutions, when as I see it, he's merely acting out what's driving him inside: fear, pain, and shame.
But I've done it. And I do it still, though I'm becoming more conscious of it. So........ I am in the same spot again, but with UD to help: minding my own business. Doing what I can. Doing the next right thing. I've known and heard these words for years. I've always been an observer, as I could not see my own actions, my very self, in those lessons and examples. I saved myself from being aware that "I'm scared to change".
May I say it? It's kind of "addictive" to go through such change. I'm in a movie, I'm being directed (by UD), and I'm liking the change. I'll keep it up. Because going back.........god no.
If there's one feeling that's been surfacing steadily, it's been grief. I'm saying goodbye to an old reality, a piece at a time. And grief is preferred over being emotionally locked up, how I've been my whole life. Yes, change is happening.
I'm also seeing I'm disliking more unhealthy behaviors and thinking in people who aren't aware they're doing such things. Even my Saturday night hangout is with 2 clean addicts, both with 20 or more years in NA, but the daily choices I see don't fit me well. It's hard to be motivated to grow around people who are stagnant. One's main hobby is watching TV (retired in his 60's). The other.........I'm seeing I'm judging, for I've been in a similar mindset--the addict mentality I shared 2 posts up. It hurts seeing him make counterproductive choices, constantly seeking outside solutions, when as I see it, he's merely acting out what's driving him inside: fear, pain, and shame.
But I've done it. And I do it still, though I'm becoming more conscious of it. So........ I am in the same spot again, but with UD to help: minding my own business. Doing what I can. Doing the next right thing. I've known and heard these words for years. I've always been an observer, as I could not see my own actions, my very self, in those lessons and examples. I saved myself from being aware that "I'm scared to change".
May I say it? It's kind of "addictive" to go through such change. I'm in a movie, I'm being directed (by UD), and I'm liking the change. I'll keep it up. Because going back.........god no.
If there's one feeling that's been surfacing steadily, it's been grief. I'm saying goodbye to an old reality, a piece at a time. And grief is preferred over being emotionally locked up, how I've been my whole life. Yes, change is happening.
I want to be FREE!
