Shannon, this is for you.
I was reading my daily reader from Adult Children of Alcoholics this morning, and I read a page on the "inner drug store". I'll quote the first paragraph.
"Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again."
I've been thinking about this almost the entire day. I don't do drugs or drink--they've never been my thing. But.
But I live this way EVERY single day. It's a cycle of excitement (fear), pain, and shame. Excitement (fear), pain, and shame. "Nothing's wrong with me!......" I don't want to see this, but I did clearly this morning.
Finances.
Friendships.
Family
Ambitions
I'll share something real in my life. I've been investing money with binary options traders, seeking another "high" (excitement). I've chosen poor brokers and traders, so I'm perpetually scared I'll not be paid (fear). I have not been paid once so far (pain, shame).
I am stuck with shame due to not paying rent on time, missing child support...........I've done this almost 6 months. I feel ashamed writing this.
I am admitting this is the lifestyle of an addict. Fear, pain, shame. Over and over again. Fear, pain, shame. ------And money is only a SINGLE avenue for it. I am NOT kidding. This thinking DICTATES my life, and has for years.
I needed to write this. I'm using UD, and it's doing something in me. I know little about the scripts (I don't know how much it'll morph to my issues), so I'm sharing this hoping it might click with your understandings and directions in future scripts--I'm encouraging a sub for this mentality. If you have some insight, I'd be grateful to hear it.
Additionally, I've lived a lifestyle of not asking for help, except when desperate. I'll tell somebody, not sure who, where, or when.
Being honest, I am the guy who has a problem in the room, but........he's not thought it "bad enough" to do something different. Denial has won most days. It's eroding though, I think.
I am not happy or at peace with myself about this (money--bigtime right now). Fear of being shamed has kept me quiet.
I was reading my daily reader from Adult Children of Alcoholics this morning, and I read a page on the "inner drug store". I'll quote the first paragraph.
"Do the following situations sound familiar? We walk into a room full of strangers and instinctively find the most toxic people to befriend. We leave home with "just enough" time so our adrenaline is pumping when we arrive at our destination. We over-commit ourselves so that we can't possibly do everything we promised, and then shame ourselves because we've failed yet again."
I've been thinking about this almost the entire day. I don't do drugs or drink--they've never been my thing. But.
But I live this way EVERY single day. It's a cycle of excitement (fear), pain, and shame. Excitement (fear), pain, and shame. "Nothing's wrong with me!......" I don't want to see this, but I did clearly this morning.
Finances.
Friendships.
Family
Ambitions
I'll share something real in my life. I've been investing money with binary options traders, seeking another "high" (excitement). I've chosen poor brokers and traders, so I'm perpetually scared I'll not be paid (fear). I have not been paid once so far (pain, shame).
I am stuck with shame due to not paying rent on time, missing child support...........I've done this almost 6 months. I feel ashamed writing this.
I am admitting this is the lifestyle of an addict. Fear, pain, shame. Over and over again. Fear, pain, shame. ------And money is only a SINGLE avenue for it. I am NOT kidding. This thinking DICTATES my life, and has for years.
I needed to write this. I'm using UD, and it's doing something in me. I know little about the scripts (I don't know how much it'll morph to my issues), so I'm sharing this hoping it might click with your understandings and directions in future scripts--I'm encouraging a sub for this mentality. If you have some insight, I'd be grateful to hear it.
Additionally, I've lived a lifestyle of not asking for help, except when desperate. I'll tell somebody, not sure who, where, or when.
Being honest, I am the guy who has a problem in the room, but........he's not thought it "bad enough" to do something different. Denial has won most days. It's eroding though, I think.
I am not happy or at peace with myself about this (money--bigtime right now). Fear of being shamed has kept me quiet.
I want to be FREE!
