Stuff is coming up. Stuff is.
I've not written often on the men's forum due to a core issue and hidden feeling in my life I've tried to avoid: remembering my brother.
I was 13 or so, my brother a year older. I relied daily on him due to no father (ever), and my mom never dated. My brother was my protector, and I didn't fear anyone in school due to that. I lived knowing he was in my corner. Junior high came, and my brother, feeling desperate, fought for respect and validation. I often remember seeing his scared, hurting expression that last year, having no leader in his own corner.
To be accepted, he got into drugs, both using and dealing, and finally could not take my mom's constant criticism. So in a whirl, he left home one day. He just left. He moved in with a worker's family, working full-time laying carpet and quitting school. I went numb.
I was left with only my mom, an emotionally evasive alcoholic. I'd not had to grow while my brother protected me, and I felt unequipped to ask for help. (No, my mom never noticed or said anything to me. NADA) "I may get rejected again", I thought, and following my mom's example, I went inside a shell. Always looking down at school, avoiding males constantly, I didn't have much confidence, but I had some attention from a few girls. I felt like shit, but putting on a smile was easier with pretty girls. It still is today.
I've not looked into this my last 20 years in recovery rooms. I've focused on myself or mom mostly, always blaming a person (or myself a lot--it was easier). But feeling what my brother left me with--hell no. I've spoken about him, but always disconnected from my feelings. Always. Year after year. Very disconnected.
I realized this yesterday when on the phone with my old sponsor. I'd called him days earlier in an emotional panic, knowing he wasn't home, but didn't pick up his calls when he called hours later. While speaking with him yesterday, I was seeking to......admit why I'd not picked up his calls.
I realized....that I wanted--no, NEEDED--a brother, and I'd put men in my life to fill that old void, ever since my youth. I admitted, on the spot, that I often expected him to take care of me like my brother did. I hadn't picked up his calls since I knew--he wouldn't/couldn't do that. I'd feared being rejected again, like with my brother. And I heard me saying it. That's why I've not gotten close to many men at all, even after knowing them for multiple years.
But a part of me still needs my brother. I miss him.
I've been on and off with tears writing this. It is coming up..........which I've needed. Tears are flowing.
It's been scary admitting this.
I've not written often on the men's forum due to a core issue and hidden feeling in my life I've tried to avoid: remembering my brother.
I was 13 or so, my brother a year older. I relied daily on him due to no father (ever), and my mom never dated. My brother was my protector, and I didn't fear anyone in school due to that. I lived knowing he was in my corner. Junior high came, and my brother, feeling desperate, fought for respect and validation. I often remember seeing his scared, hurting expression that last year, having no leader in his own corner.
To be accepted, he got into drugs, both using and dealing, and finally could not take my mom's constant criticism. So in a whirl, he left home one day. He just left. He moved in with a worker's family, working full-time laying carpet and quitting school. I went numb.
I was left with only my mom, an emotionally evasive alcoholic. I'd not had to grow while my brother protected me, and I felt unequipped to ask for help. (No, my mom never noticed or said anything to me. NADA) "I may get rejected again", I thought, and following my mom's example, I went inside a shell. Always looking down at school, avoiding males constantly, I didn't have much confidence, but I had some attention from a few girls. I felt like shit, but putting on a smile was easier with pretty girls. It still is today.
I've not looked into this my last 20 years in recovery rooms. I've focused on myself or mom mostly, always blaming a person (or myself a lot--it was easier). But feeling what my brother left me with--hell no. I've spoken about him, but always disconnected from my feelings. Always. Year after year. Very disconnected.
I realized this yesterday when on the phone with my old sponsor. I'd called him days earlier in an emotional panic, knowing he wasn't home, but didn't pick up his calls when he called hours later. While speaking with him yesterday, I was seeking to......admit why I'd not picked up his calls.
I realized....that I wanted--no, NEEDED--a brother, and I'd put men in my life to fill that old void, ever since my youth. I admitted, on the spot, that I often expected him to take care of me like my brother did. I hadn't picked up his calls since I knew--he wouldn't/couldn't do that. I'd feared being rejected again, like with my brother. And I heard me saying it. That's why I've not gotten close to many men at all, even after knowing them for multiple years.
But a part of me still needs my brother. I miss him.
I've been on and off with tears writing this. It is coming up..........which I've needed. Tears are flowing.
It's been scary admitting this.
I want to be FREE!
