09-28-2017, 06:07 AM
Haven't posted observations in over a week, since they aren't the rah-rah stuff that people want to hear. I'll try to summarize the major points.
As a very abbreviated version of my most recent private journal entries:
Yeah, I can keep going on UD without fearing it, and it's certainly a powerful program, but I'm finding very little sense in me choosing to continue. For me, the visible downsides keep outnumbering any visible upsides. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm training myself to hate myself (instead of repair myself), with my own worst qualities as the excuse to do so, and I don't want to deny hope and optimism solely for being presumptive concepts. I also don't want to learn to justify hate or destruction of all external irritants (humans included) while on some anti-toxic crusade. Those aren't my detoxing goals and never were. Unless these are somehow growing pains, with an endgame that isn't straightforward enough to see from 12 moves behind, I'm thinking that UD may be something more appropriate for a different me than I am in September of 2017.
As a very abbreviated version of my most recent private journal entries:
- Parallel-processing toxins, while holistically logical (especially physically), makes me feel like a triple-booked toxin hotel and a toxin to others, saturating every free resource with darkness and leaving no room for light. It feels like training myself to feel overly toxic, not parallel-detoxed.
- I'd rather only serial-process darkness or keep the number of parallel threads low enough to allow light in, especially where and when needed.
- Seems as if negatives are invited in to be asked to leave and positives are turned away at the gate because they're more welcome. Unideal.
- It feels as if my only detox options are numbness, patience, and self-hating my toxins into leaving. Like positives are being denied entry, even to fight the battles with me. Like the toxins are expected to defeat themselves single-sidedly because the battlefield is at max capacity.
- As internal toxins seem barely dissociated from self, self-hating them into leaving feels like a toxin. This seems likely to lead me in circles or to create a stalemate situation. Secondarily, I'm not thrilled about the increased self-hatred.
- It feels like I'm being forced to choose hate as a tool by being denied access to other tools. And that's not how I operate. Or how I want to.
- Optimism, hope, trust, etc are feeling just as self-dishonest as pessimism, doubt, cynicism, and so on feel. They're all equally imaginary. Plus, with the former group being positives (not toxins), they're feeling even less focally important than the negatives.
- Re-framing currently seems like self-dishonesty, designed to make myself feel better, so "maybe if I look at it like..." (which I've done for years, often unaided) is beginning to be discarded as trying to con myself.
- While I'm getting less worried about the worst-case scenarios in life, I'm giving up on the best-case scenarios too. Previously, I saw possibilities. Now, I'm starting to consider possibility as unverified, untrustworthy, and deceitful.
Yeah, I can keep going on UD without fearing it, and it's certainly a powerful program, but I'm finding very little sense in me choosing to continue. For me, the visible downsides keep outnumbering any visible upsides. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm training myself to hate myself (instead of repair myself), with my own worst qualities as the excuse to do so, and I don't want to deny hope and optimism solely for being presumptive concepts. I also don't want to learn to justify hate or destruction of all external irritants (humans included) while on some anti-toxic crusade. Those aren't my detoxing goals and never were. Unless these are somehow growing pains, with an endgame that isn't straightforward enough to see from 12 moves behind, I'm thinking that UD may be something more appropriate for a different me than I am in September of 2017.
