2 things happened today. I have no defined "box" to put these in, so I'm just going to share them.
First off, I've been wanting to clean out my place. I've been fearful of letting stuff go--lots of old family stuff, feelings (or memories of feelings) have been attached to everything--stuffed animals, shoes from my daughter when she was 6-7 years old, .............lots of memories. Lots of feelings. If I could have had my daughter young forever, I'd have it (I think). She's 12 now.
To share how me and my ex are both similar and different, I loved it when my daughter was young. I played with her (I was often her butler), and I knew her growing up would challenge me. In contrast, my ex-wife never liked my daughter's playfulness, and rejected her overtly and subtly. I saw it hurt my daughter many times, losing her innocence.
Now my daughter's 12, and my ex is her "friend" now. No boundaries (I'm exaggerating some), but she allows almost anything. Cussing.....all of it. But my ex models it to her.
I'm playing the "victim" violin now. Ugg.
Anyway--what I did today. I had my van filled with half of my entire place, all which went to Goodwill. I was NOT emotionally resistant to do this today. I can walk in my room now :-) I boxed stuff 3 weeks ago. I put more stuff in, filled up our trash and recycle bins, filled up my van, and dropped it off at Goodwill. I like it A LOT.
Something else--which feels strangely similar. I was at a meeting today, and a guy I've wanted to get to know spoke with me after, very unexpectedly. I've wanted feedback to know I was heard (from sharings I've done weeks earlier), and he shared in 5 minutes how we both had sick mothers who are not caring for themselves. He shared how removing himself from contact with his mom has given him peace. He shared that I shouldn't just "cut her off cold", as he spoke with his wife and others in recovery before doing so, but it has worked for him.
It was funny, kind of, as I had my laundry in my van, as I'd planned on going there after the meeting to do my laundry (that's when he cautioned me about making snap decisions, since I told him). He left, I'd planned on going.......... but I was tired. So tired that I stayed in my van and napped 30 minutes, right there in my seat.
I woke up. I felt tired, and...kind of grumpy about me "committing" to go. I imagined (and had been imagining) her getting drunker and drunker just since I was there. I also realized.....I could wash a single set of clothes when home in a storage bin (done it before). I realized I'd been shown I could cancel. I'd been shown that by my "sudden" exhaustion. So I texted my mom, told her I was exhausted, and wouldn't be going over today. My tiredness was my gift to cancel!
So, today I felt like I got rid of some trash today; some physical, and some mental. I'd not done either of those before so easily.
I'm still sitting here thinking "did this REALLY happen to me today?" Sweet :-)
First off, I've been wanting to clean out my place. I've been fearful of letting stuff go--lots of old family stuff, feelings (or memories of feelings) have been attached to everything--stuffed animals, shoes from my daughter when she was 6-7 years old, .............lots of memories. Lots of feelings. If I could have had my daughter young forever, I'd have it (I think). She's 12 now.
To share how me and my ex are both similar and different, I loved it when my daughter was young. I played with her (I was often her butler), and I knew her growing up would challenge me. In contrast, my ex-wife never liked my daughter's playfulness, and rejected her overtly and subtly. I saw it hurt my daughter many times, losing her innocence.
Now my daughter's 12, and my ex is her "friend" now. No boundaries (I'm exaggerating some), but she allows almost anything. Cussing.....all of it. But my ex models it to her.
I'm playing the "victim" violin now. Ugg.
Anyway--what I did today. I had my van filled with half of my entire place, all which went to Goodwill. I was NOT emotionally resistant to do this today. I can walk in my room now :-) I boxed stuff 3 weeks ago. I put more stuff in, filled up our trash and recycle bins, filled up my van, and dropped it off at Goodwill. I like it A LOT.
Something else--which feels strangely similar. I was at a meeting today, and a guy I've wanted to get to know spoke with me after, very unexpectedly. I've wanted feedback to know I was heard (from sharings I've done weeks earlier), and he shared in 5 minutes how we both had sick mothers who are not caring for themselves. He shared how removing himself from contact with his mom has given him peace. He shared that I shouldn't just "cut her off cold", as he spoke with his wife and others in recovery before doing so, but it has worked for him.
It was funny, kind of, as I had my laundry in my van, as I'd planned on going there after the meeting to do my laundry (that's when he cautioned me about making snap decisions, since I told him). He left, I'd planned on going.......... but I was tired. So tired that I stayed in my van and napped 30 minutes, right there in my seat.
I woke up. I felt tired, and...kind of grumpy about me "committing" to go. I imagined (and had been imagining) her getting drunker and drunker just since I was there. I also realized.....I could wash a single set of clothes when home in a storage bin (done it before). I realized I'd been shown I could cancel. I'd been shown that by my "sudden" exhaustion. So I texted my mom, told her I was exhausted, and wouldn't be going over today. My tiredness was my gift to cancel!
So, today I felt like I got rid of some trash today; some physical, and some mental. I'd not done either of those before so easily.
I'm still sitting here thinking "did this REALLY happen to me today?" Sweet :-)
I want to be FREE!
