I'm going through changes and awarenesses. A lot of them. I feel most proud (?) of realizing something an hour ago. I've been seeing it a lot in my life everywhere.
I was at the grocery store to get some stuff. I am seeing my body language, people's reactions, and I'm seeing it in my heart of hearts: I'm so very disconnected from meaningful relationships. I noticed I was "proud" as I left, thinking I looked good, that noone knew me.
I noticed it as I got back on my scooter, my "leave me alone" machine. I get to hide from interaction under a front of "I'm saving money". Even while getting my gear on to ride, I knew I'd carried a pride for many years that "you can't come close to me (the real me)". It's a protective front, for I feel it nearly every time I ride.
I was at work today feeling some of the effects of this attitude. I worked mostly with a new guy, so I got to put on a "I'm intelligent and curious" persona to promote intelligent conversation. However, when I saw some guys throughout the day, I felt invisible. I've communicated "I don't get close to ANYBODY", and most respect that. One or 2 throw jabs when they see me, as I light up thinking "someone's noticing me", but they're just toying with me, testing me in front of others.
And last night I shared this during my share in my ACA 12 step study. We're in our 4th step, and we were answering questions on PTSD symptoms. Most had paired PTSD with war violence. I've known I've had slight symptoms from childhood for years. And though I'd not done my homework, I shared.
The event that triggered it: being in that very room at that very moment, with people nearby.
I connected it to being 12 years old, seeking my mom's attention since my brother had done something very bad to me. She was emotionally gone, unavailable for any of my needs. And she was the ONLY one I thought I could turn to.
I responded by being numb, then feeling alone, with noone to help me with my pain.
I felt the pain of emotional abandonment and ultimately tried to deny it.
I withdrew from people. For months.
I realized now I still do this. I gather in a room with emotional people, and I think "noone will help me". I hide my pain from myself, keep it inside, and my internal hell grows. I linked this to a situation I'd experienced that very day, one which greatly distressed me, but once I got in the meeting, I instantly..........shut it down.
But once I began sharing, it all came out. I cried twice during my share, sharing I had no healthy relationships I maintained. And as I shared, I felt sane. I felt real. I'd been honest. I didn't hate myself for keeping it all inside. I'd shared me.
The main reason I went was to be around safe people when I felt like I was reliving a hell from childhood, a relationship with a user. Going and telling my story helped A LOT.
I was at the grocery store to get some stuff. I am seeing my body language, people's reactions, and I'm seeing it in my heart of hearts: I'm so very disconnected from meaningful relationships. I noticed I was "proud" as I left, thinking I looked good, that noone knew me.
I noticed it as I got back on my scooter, my "leave me alone" machine. I get to hide from interaction under a front of "I'm saving money". Even while getting my gear on to ride, I knew I'd carried a pride for many years that "you can't come close to me (the real me)". It's a protective front, for I feel it nearly every time I ride.
I was at work today feeling some of the effects of this attitude. I worked mostly with a new guy, so I got to put on a "I'm intelligent and curious" persona to promote intelligent conversation. However, when I saw some guys throughout the day, I felt invisible. I've communicated "I don't get close to ANYBODY", and most respect that. One or 2 throw jabs when they see me, as I light up thinking "someone's noticing me", but they're just toying with me, testing me in front of others.
And last night I shared this during my share in my ACA 12 step study. We're in our 4th step, and we were answering questions on PTSD symptoms. Most had paired PTSD with war violence. I've known I've had slight symptoms from childhood for years. And though I'd not done my homework, I shared.
The event that triggered it: being in that very room at that very moment, with people nearby.
I connected it to being 12 years old, seeking my mom's attention since my brother had done something very bad to me. She was emotionally gone, unavailable for any of my needs. And she was the ONLY one I thought I could turn to.
I responded by being numb, then feeling alone, with noone to help me with my pain.
I felt the pain of emotional abandonment and ultimately tried to deny it.
I withdrew from people. For months.
I realized now I still do this. I gather in a room with emotional people, and I think "noone will help me". I hide my pain from myself, keep it inside, and my internal hell grows. I linked this to a situation I'd experienced that very day, one which greatly distressed me, but once I got in the meeting, I instantly..........shut it down.
But once I began sharing, it all came out. I cried twice during my share, sharing I had no healthy relationships I maintained. And as I shared, I felt sane. I felt real. I'd been honest. I didn't hate myself for keeping it all inside. I'd shared me.
The main reason I went was to be around safe people when I felt like I was reliving a hell from childhood, a relationship with a user. Going and telling my story helped A LOT.
I want to be FREE!
