I'm feeling sad now. I'll write and find out my train of thought.
I read this morning on investing, which I know I've needed to. From reading that, my mind has been going on, seeking an answer to "what am I looking for?" Some is related to Rule 4 stuff, yet a lot is in my present lifestyle. I believe I am creating my present emotional state from daily choices, financial decisions, and choices to not seek more understanding from others who may help me. I don't like writing so vaguely anymore--going to try being specific now.
For example, I spoke to a man after Sunday's meeting, who has experience in recovery and in owning and running a business--which are both attractive to me. We'd read something in the meeting about getting a sponsor, I spoke to him about it after, he said we could try it...........(and I'm trying to hide from myself in this). I am so used to putting imagined walls of fear around me when relating to strong(er) males. He's not scary--I'd just be letting go of my "norm". That's the real issue; giving up control of myself, as I imagine me doing that to feel safe in any relationship. I'll text him today (yep, the "safer" way :-)) But I'm trying to open the door.
I started this thread saying I was sad. I was still thinking of something I'd imagined earlier. I think I'm detoxing from the belief "to protect myself, I need to keep EVERYONE out!" Maybe, just maybe, that is being worked on. Being afraid of being hurt is toxic when held long-term. I've not had major realizations in the last 18 hours, but I did sleep longer than normal this morning, I'm excreting normally, my gut isn't locked up, and emotionally, I want to head that direction. (Resistance cried out when writing that last part, but it's not as powerful as it used to be.)
Edit: Upon waking up this morning, I had a lingering sadness in me. As the day's gone on, it's like I'm letting go of something, literally. The sadness is evidence of that. Everytime I've thought about writing here (numerous times), it's been with this deep, real sadness that I've wanted to let out, but...(being fearful of rejection), I've not shared it. That is what's on my mind. I'm in circumstances financially and socially where I'd normally hide, deny, or run away, but... I'm actually choosing to go into those circumstances. It sounds strange, because for me, it is. I am hopeful since I've seen other sub users have low days too, and bounce back soon after they allowed it to happen. I'm allowing it.
I read this morning on investing, which I know I've needed to. From reading that, my mind has been going on, seeking an answer to "what am I looking for?" Some is related to Rule 4 stuff, yet a lot is in my present lifestyle. I believe I am creating my present emotional state from daily choices, financial decisions, and choices to not seek more understanding from others who may help me. I don't like writing so vaguely anymore--going to try being specific now.
For example, I spoke to a man after Sunday's meeting, who has experience in recovery and in owning and running a business--which are both attractive to me. We'd read something in the meeting about getting a sponsor, I spoke to him about it after, he said we could try it...........(and I'm trying to hide from myself in this). I am so used to putting imagined walls of fear around me when relating to strong(er) males. He's not scary--I'd just be letting go of my "norm". That's the real issue; giving up control of myself, as I imagine me doing that to feel safe in any relationship. I'll text him today (yep, the "safer" way :-)) But I'm trying to open the door.
I started this thread saying I was sad. I was still thinking of something I'd imagined earlier. I think I'm detoxing from the belief "to protect myself, I need to keep EVERYONE out!" Maybe, just maybe, that is being worked on. Being afraid of being hurt is toxic when held long-term. I've not had major realizations in the last 18 hours, but I did sleep longer than normal this morning, I'm excreting normally, my gut isn't locked up, and emotionally, I want to head that direction. (Resistance cried out when writing that last part, but it's not as powerful as it used to be.)
Edit: Upon waking up this morning, I had a lingering sadness in me. As the day's gone on, it's like I'm letting go of something, literally. The sadness is evidence of that. Everytime I've thought about writing here (numerous times), it's been with this deep, real sadness that I've wanted to let out, but...(being fearful of rejection), I've not shared it. That is what's on my mind. I'm in circumstances financially and socially where I'd normally hide, deny, or run away, but... I'm actually choosing to go into those circumstances. It sounds strange, because for me, it is. I am hopeful since I've seen other sub users have low days too, and bounce back soon after they allowed it to happen. I'm allowing it.
I want to be FREE!
