09-18-2017, 08:45 AM
So far, the current week is proceeding more smoothly than the previous input week. Might be a natural trough, though, as sub work does tend to cycle. Or maybe I'll get more forward movement as my toxic anchors fall away. I have no idea.
I think that I may now see a version of what findingme was talking about with respect to masks and lying to oneself. I'm starting to call myself out on my self-justified excuses, even when they "sound" perfectly valid and reasonable. I did so yesterday, before making a decision based on one. I took a step back, asked myself if I was overcorrecting, and noticed that I was about to make a current decision based on past disappointments, assumptions, and fear (with which my head was pessimistically filling the data gaps automatically, as it always has) rather than on currently available information (letting the gaps remain empty until filled with actual follow-up information that I could trust). And seeing that allowed me to make a different decision with absolutely no internal struggle over it. If anything, I felt a slight thrill in knowingly choosing something by available fact rather than by rationalized (experientially fallacious) fantasy. It almost felt as if I'd put on a pair of glasses that allowed me to see the distinction between reality and imagination when the lines got too blurry to tell the two apart (or where reality ends and imaginative embellishment begins).
If this continues, I see inherent potential toward reducing fear and procrastination, not letting me hide behind reasons that only look like reasons.
I think that I may now see a version of what findingme was talking about with respect to masks and lying to oneself. I'm starting to call myself out on my self-justified excuses, even when they "sound" perfectly valid and reasonable. I did so yesterday, before making a decision based on one. I took a step back, asked myself if I was overcorrecting, and noticed that I was about to make a current decision based on past disappointments, assumptions, and fear (with which my head was pessimistically filling the data gaps automatically, as it always has) rather than on currently available information (letting the gaps remain empty until filled with actual follow-up information that I could trust). And seeing that allowed me to make a different decision with absolutely no internal struggle over it. If anything, I felt a slight thrill in knowingly choosing something by available fact rather than by rationalized (experientially fallacious) fantasy. It almost felt as if I'd put on a pair of glasses that allowed me to see the distinction between reality and imagination when the lines got too blurry to tell the two apart (or where reality ends and imaginative embellishment begins).
If this continues, I see inherent potential toward reducing fear and procrastination, not letting me hide behind reasons that only look like reasons.
