(09-17-2017, 10:29 AM)Shannon Wrote: UD us not necessarily always very obvious in what it does, or all of what it does, but it is very much a powerful and life changing program, if you use it as instructed.
In light of that, I'll share what happened today.
No tears came up in my meeting. I had cried and got it out before going, and I didn't feel weepy at all in my meeting. I realized this during the meeting. What I did realize was that I was looking people in the eyes both while I was speaking, and while they were speaking. I often dodge looks while speaking, trying to hide from being noticed. Some fear is NOT in place like it was.
But what stuck with me the most happened after the meeting, as I went to my mom's to give her some money (I agreed to pay for her cell phone bill).
Well, she was drinking (which is normal), and she kept asking how to hook up her cell phone to WIFI. What I realized...........is that she was NOT hearing me. I'd say it one way, she'd act like she understood, and basically repeat the exact same question again 30 seconds later, just said differently. It took about 15 minutes before I saw a familiar pattern.
I remember tiring out people 25 years ago when I first began going to 12 step groups. I just didn't want to hear what they were saying, so I'd mentally dismiss it, and go back, spinning my questions in different ways. I was doing exactly what I saw my mom doing today.
Again, I did the same thing for many years (sponsors became a rare find for me, BTW) I NEEDED to be right (to prevent feeling shame), so I'd pursue the answer I wanted until someone might weakly give me the answer that made sense to ME. Years later I met one or two people who were more aggressive and would blow me off, ignore me, and often just completely stay away from me altogether. I've gotten used to that. I'd spin a tale in my head, make myself a victim, and in the end, all I'd do is isolate. I did this for 20+ years.
I don't have resolution on this. I am just keenly aware of it. That was me.
I want to be FREE!
