Thanks Shannon. I read that hours ago, and I know I'm honestly not seeing how big that truth is: that whatever I'm using, depending on, escaping with, or just denying--is actually what the SOPS focuses on if it's making me mentally, emotionally, or physically toxic. I'll keep my eyes open for more elaboration, as that truth is BIG. I'm led initially to say or feel "nah, it's not that powerful".
However, even today I was on the phone with my old NA sponsor. We had time, and just talked about the hurricane we'd experienced. After a while, he finally asked me about my 12 step work presently. I got (unusually) emotionally and passionately honest with him, sharing about my lack of effort or intention to grow, disguised by lots of looking good and putting up fronts. I was puking out my ugly. It hurt a little afterwards--since I've OFTEN puked something, then immediately forgot it (shame would rise, and I'd bury it)....but I couldn't forget it. I was honest, present, and passionate about my truth, and....I didn't/couldn't run away. I owned it. I did something today I don't think I've done in many years: I was real, honest, and vulnerable with another person, and I didn't run away. Hours later, it's still sitting with me.
I've had no idea, understanding, or courage on how to move out of my norm of my habitual discomfort. UD is allowing me to do something different....... and I'm just going with it. It's 10X better than sitting in it :-)
However, even today I was on the phone with my old NA sponsor. We had time, and just talked about the hurricane we'd experienced. After a while, he finally asked me about my 12 step work presently. I got (unusually) emotionally and passionately honest with him, sharing about my lack of effort or intention to grow, disguised by lots of looking good and putting up fronts. I was puking out my ugly. It hurt a little afterwards--since I've OFTEN puked something, then immediately forgot it (shame would rise, and I'd bury it)....but I couldn't forget it. I was honest, present, and passionate about my truth, and....I didn't/couldn't run away. I owned it. I did something today I don't think I've done in many years: I was real, honest, and vulnerable with another person, and I didn't run away. Hours later, it's still sitting with me.
I've had no idea, understanding, or courage on how to move out of my norm of my habitual discomfort. UD is allowing me to do something different....... and I'm just going with it. It's 10X better than sitting in it :-)
I want to be FREE!
