Findingme's Universal Detox thread

[findingme]

Has anyone else had this growing awareness that their social "front", their normal bull****, is just a big coverup? Even my (imagined) time at my normal Friday night meeting did NOT feel right or good to me. I ended up skipping the meeting so I wouldn't be fighting myself in the meeting. It's like a steadily awakening part of me is progressively louder when I want to put on my "cool" mask, or my "I am FINE" mask. Me lying to me is becoming more and more uncomfortable, and I have honestly never faced this before. I have always, instinctively, put on the mask I thought would keep me "safest". However, I've often (very often) been hard on myself after. Putting on "not-me" masks is me rejecting me, and something in me is fighting for me to be REAL.

It feels good being real, and I'm looking for more. It's not difficult being real, but my resistance is putting up a fight.

I've been consistently seeing, feeling, and knowing it while on my job around a man who can speak brutal truth at times (coincidence?). His courage to face his BS stands out to me, I've begun being "real" with him, and ..... it's scary. My old voices began getting louder today when he chose not to drop a subject I strategicly tried to dodge--me not dating anyone presently. However, since the old voices have led me to hurt me time and time again, I stayed in the conversation, sharing timidly at times, though I was honest. Surprisingly, he accepted that.

Who knew? I didn't