09-14-2017, 08:58 AM
I've been waiting to share this since I've been without power at home.
I've not listened to UD for 3 days due to no power, plus I'd not downloaded US on my phone. I'm at our local library now using their WIFI. Put it on my phone too.
I would have thought UD had not taken a hold using it 3 days or so, but even off of it, I'm noticing and enjoying different thoughts coming up. I can only attribute this to UD.
My most recent awareness is me going around my small room (maybe 12'x15'), noticing the near panic I've put myself in daily--"this isn't finished, neither is that. That? Nope" I've got old receipts, clothing, papers, books, all laying around. I felt a familiar fear rise in each observation, and I realized something.
"If I don't complete this, I may not risk failing in the future". I'd quickly imagine having a clean desk or area, and fears would invade, old fears and voices in my head. I'd imagine "success", and would immediately link it to failure--rather, an imagined shaming, and rejection--or self rejection.
I'm not defeated. I'm seeing my problem more objectively, which is inviting to me. I'm feeling the pain or discomfort with knowing it's fouled up, but the problem isn't me. I HAVE a problem, not I AM the problem.
I'm listening at the library with earbuds, so I'll look for any changes. I'll not stay here for 7 hours to get all my loops in :-)
I even realized today something BIG and clear. I've mentioned I know I use coffee to stifle emotions in me. I did a yes/no/yes/no in my emotions about getting coffee at the gas station. I got some, and this hit me after doing so: I realized I've use it to keep me from changing. I've used it to not allow me to grow, to change, to stay in uncomfortable spots. Change is often uncomfortable (or it's imagined to be). I'll keep the sub running to allow me to execute (needed!) change.
Thank you Shannon for this sub. I have seen you often not disclose your scripts to prevent placebo effects. You have something running in this that is chipping away at my denial--steadily!
And my last awareness happened yesterday at work. I'm working with a pretty safe guy, and we've been slowly sharing different parts of our lives during the work day. Yesterday, I brought up another man I've worked with, but haven't liked--he's very inconsiderate. I'd brought up a financial decision he made, for the logic made no sense. However, I intentionally kept the guy's name a secret, thinking/feeling like I should protect his name.
Well, since my coworker was avidly trying to figure out who this was, I questioned my reason for not disclosing. I then realized I was only trying to protect me, not him (I was reflecting on Matt's DMSI journal about reading on our dark sides). Upon knowing that, I finally shared who it was, and why I'd not shared: the guy I was protecting acts in fear constantly, and I do too.
We drove quietly for a few minutes since my last words to him were angry. I brought it back up, apologizing for my anger at him, sharing knowing this scared me, thus my anger. He was accepting of it, sharing his own reactions to fear.
I'm not sure if this is in the UD scripts, yes I'm digging :-), but this is happening in my life while using UD.
I've not listened to UD for 3 days due to no power, plus I'd not downloaded US on my phone. I'm at our local library now using their WIFI. Put it on my phone too.
I would have thought UD had not taken a hold using it 3 days or so, but even off of it, I'm noticing and enjoying different thoughts coming up. I can only attribute this to UD.
My most recent awareness is me going around my small room (maybe 12'x15'), noticing the near panic I've put myself in daily--"this isn't finished, neither is that. That? Nope" I've got old receipts, clothing, papers, books, all laying around. I felt a familiar fear rise in each observation, and I realized something.
"If I don't complete this, I may not risk failing in the future". I'd quickly imagine having a clean desk or area, and fears would invade, old fears and voices in my head. I'd imagine "success", and would immediately link it to failure--rather, an imagined shaming, and rejection--or self rejection.
I'm not defeated. I'm seeing my problem more objectively, which is inviting to me. I'm feeling the pain or discomfort with knowing it's fouled up, but the problem isn't me. I HAVE a problem, not I AM the problem.
I'm listening at the library with earbuds, so I'll look for any changes. I'll not stay here for 7 hours to get all my loops in :-)
I even realized today something BIG and clear. I've mentioned I know I use coffee to stifle emotions in me. I did a yes/no/yes/no in my emotions about getting coffee at the gas station. I got some, and this hit me after doing so: I realized I've use it to keep me from changing. I've used it to not allow me to grow, to change, to stay in uncomfortable spots. Change is often uncomfortable (or it's imagined to be). I'll keep the sub running to allow me to execute (needed!) change.
Thank you Shannon for this sub. I have seen you often not disclose your scripts to prevent placebo effects. You have something running in this that is chipping away at my denial--steadily!
And my last awareness happened yesterday at work. I'm working with a pretty safe guy, and we've been slowly sharing different parts of our lives during the work day. Yesterday, I brought up another man I've worked with, but haven't liked--he's very inconsiderate. I'd brought up a financial decision he made, for the logic made no sense. However, I intentionally kept the guy's name a secret, thinking/feeling like I should protect his name.
Well, since my coworker was avidly trying to figure out who this was, I questioned my reason for not disclosing. I then realized I was only trying to protect me, not him (I was reflecting on Matt's DMSI journal about reading on our dark sides). Upon knowing that, I finally shared who it was, and why I'd not shared: the guy I was protecting acts in fear constantly, and I do too.
We drove quietly for a few minutes since my last words to him were angry. I brought it back up, apologizing for my anger at him, sharing knowing this scared me, thus my anger. He was accepting of it, sharing his own reactions to fear.
I'm not sure if this is in the UD scripts, yes I'm digging :-), but this is happening in my life while using UD.
I want to be FREE!
