I had a very dynamic afternoon today. I'm seeing my growth and resistance to playing old roles.
For example, I ended up going to my mom's since it quit raining. I went to 4 different stores buying food and supplies, and the impending stress on the streets is felt. People driving fast, honking horns (unusual for my area--northerners must be back!)..... but I didn't want to be in the circle of fear that many people were in.
In fact, the last store I went into, an Indian man was behind the counter. He began ribbing the guy in line, for the fun of it, and I thought it cool that he wasn't so unapproachable. I smiled, knowing I could relax with a man not being too serious. As I approached, we began talking, and he hit it straight on that people were swallowing up the "BE AFRAID!! BE VERY AFRAID!!" news stories about the weather. Yes, it's a bad hurricane. But we went through 4 in 2004, one sitting right on our area for 3 days. I have NOT desired to join the "fear crowd" mostly since it's sickening and draining to me, plus UD is helping me see I am NOT what other people CHOOSE to be.
My last errand today was to get gas in my scooter (I was on E anyway). I sat in a line for gas 45 minutes since 4 other stations were out. I've never done that before. Some were pissed, most were in their own business, and........I felt inside that feeling like "I am responsible if they're angry or upset". Plus.......and it's funny, truly, since this never happens....... things just weren't working right. I had to pay cash to get gas, and the attendant had paid for a different pump than the one I was at. I went back inside, he fixed it, I came out and pumped, and my gas cap wouldn't go on. I was thinking "you've got to be kidding", but kept trying. After about 30 seconds, I submitted to putting it on halfway correctly since (I felt I was pissing people off). This "things not going right" was very different than anything I've ever experienced, and again, it triggers the "I'm responsible for their unhappiness" feeling.
I am SO grateful, so grateful, that LTU (included in UD) has a major focus on self reliance. I've lived for other people's approval and validation my whole life long, and though I did feel triggered to dwell there emotionally after the station, I felt........(positive? good?), like I was ok.
This is affecting my norm. My "I'm not ok" view of life.
I am wondering.......how will tomorrow turn out? Hmmm....I am curious
and look forward to it!
Gotta rest first. Will write later.
For example, I ended up going to my mom's since it quit raining. I went to 4 different stores buying food and supplies, and the impending stress on the streets is felt. People driving fast, honking horns (unusual for my area--northerners must be back!)..... but I didn't want to be in the circle of fear that many people were in.
In fact, the last store I went into, an Indian man was behind the counter. He began ribbing the guy in line, for the fun of it, and I thought it cool that he wasn't so unapproachable. I smiled, knowing I could relax with a man not being too serious. As I approached, we began talking, and he hit it straight on that people were swallowing up the "BE AFRAID!! BE VERY AFRAID!!" news stories about the weather. Yes, it's a bad hurricane. But we went through 4 in 2004, one sitting right on our area for 3 days. I have NOT desired to join the "fear crowd" mostly since it's sickening and draining to me, plus UD is helping me see I am NOT what other people CHOOSE to be.
My last errand today was to get gas in my scooter (I was on E anyway). I sat in a line for gas 45 minutes since 4 other stations were out. I've never done that before. Some were pissed, most were in their own business, and........I felt inside that feeling like "I am responsible if they're angry or upset". Plus.......and it's funny, truly, since this never happens....... things just weren't working right. I had to pay cash to get gas, and the attendant had paid for a different pump than the one I was at. I went back inside, he fixed it, I came out and pumped, and my gas cap wouldn't go on. I was thinking "you've got to be kidding", but kept trying. After about 30 seconds, I submitted to putting it on halfway correctly since (I felt I was pissing people off). This "things not going right" was very different than anything I've ever experienced, and again, it triggers the "I'm responsible for their unhappiness" feeling.
I am SO grateful, so grateful, that LTU (included in UD) has a major focus on self reliance. I've lived for other people's approval and validation my whole life long, and though I did feel triggered to dwell there emotionally after the station, I felt........(positive? good?), like I was ok.
This is affecting my norm. My "I'm not ok" view of life.
I am wondering.......how will tomorrow turn out? Hmmm....I am curious
and look forward to it!Gotta rest first. Will write later.
I want to be FREE!
