08-14-2017, 06:35 PM
I explored those feelings last night, and ended up sleeping 13 hours which I needed.
While exploring it I realized that it is actually LESS loving to both me and her to not set that boundary. Because for example not doing that in the past has lead to things just self destructing because I wasn't able to set it and realized that I needed to.
Felt clearer today, I hesitated for a few hours but sent her a message basically saying "I can understand that, it's just that every day can be a bit much. Sometimes when I don't feel like I have the space I can shut down. Of course I want to still talk to you but I want to be open about these things".
Amount of times i've sent anyone a message in this way, of both expressing that but also understanding and reassuring them. I'd say after today.. about once.
So that's cool to be able to do that. Now I just have to explore the fear of getting a bad reaction doing something like this, because I sent it, felt good about it but this fear is coming up about the reply back possibly abusing me. Not likely, but you know.. fear isn't logical.
The other thing at the moment... the best way I can explain it is that i'm a little confused.
I've had this whole thing overshadowing me my whole life. Now i'm feeling different but i'm confused. The healing is still happening and not all the way there obviously.. but it's like having made this big progress to dealing with those wounded feelings and taking the step I did it's kind of like "fuck.. I don't have to worry about this all the time now, it was something that would take up my thoughts and my time so much.. and now what do I even do with myself?".
I also am seeing the last few days my desire to do the 'work' that i've been doing on Inner Bonding and such is lessening more again.
And the other thing is that when that feeling of being smothered was coming up and I was feeling how I was last night.. my thoughts briefly turned to "run away from my mum" and "go and be with some girls".
So residual parts are still there. But when it come up it was just passing, it wasn't sitting there obsessing like I used to.
In the end we all naturally want to connect with others and at some point it is that natural desire and that's fine. It's just sorting between when my desire is that natural desire vs still possibly some of my old coping mechanism.
While exploring it I realized that it is actually LESS loving to both me and her to not set that boundary. Because for example not doing that in the past has lead to things just self destructing because I wasn't able to set it and realized that I needed to.
Felt clearer today, I hesitated for a few hours but sent her a message basically saying "I can understand that, it's just that every day can be a bit much. Sometimes when I don't feel like I have the space I can shut down. Of course I want to still talk to you but I want to be open about these things".
Amount of times i've sent anyone a message in this way, of both expressing that but also understanding and reassuring them. I'd say after today.. about once.
So that's cool to be able to do that. Now I just have to explore the fear of getting a bad reaction doing something like this, because I sent it, felt good about it but this fear is coming up about the reply back possibly abusing me. Not likely, but you know.. fear isn't logical.
The other thing at the moment... the best way I can explain it is that i'm a little confused.
I've had this whole thing overshadowing me my whole life. Now i'm feeling different but i'm confused. The healing is still happening and not all the way there obviously.. but it's like having made this big progress to dealing with those wounded feelings and taking the step I did it's kind of like "fuck.. I don't have to worry about this all the time now, it was something that would take up my thoughts and my time so much.. and now what do I even do with myself?".
I also am seeing the last few days my desire to do the 'work' that i've been doing on Inner Bonding and such is lessening more again.
And the other thing is that when that feeling of being smothered was coming up and I was feeling how I was last night.. my thoughts briefly turned to "run away from my mum" and "go and be with some girls".
So residual parts are still there. But when it come up it was just passing, it wasn't sitting there obsessing like I used to.
In the end we all naturally want to connect with others and at some point it is that natural desire and that's fine. It's just sorting between when my desire is that natural desire vs still possibly some of my old coping mechanism.
