I'm struggling a little with staying 'open'. I feel like after such openness and expression that something is coming up to stifle that again, some remains but I don't know and it's confusing.
And i'm also noticing i'm shutting down a bit, because though it's understandable after a lifetime.. my mum is being really needy like messaged me most of the next day after we met, then called me that night (yesterday). I told her that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed but to not take it the wrong way that i'm still grateful.
Then today a missed call and a message. And I replied to her message and she's like "you've been on my mind all day, i'm trying not to be annoying but my heart is bursting with love for you, I don't want to be full on but I may send you a kiss and hug most days just because I love you" and a few more full on things. Combined with everything else i'm saying here I don't think i've ever had anyone in my life ever say anything like that to me before.
It's just like with girls i've dated, if they gave me more space i'd be happy to.. but stuff like this happens and I feel totally smothered and i'm feeling it's making me want to shut down.
I need to explore whatever it is that makes it very difficult for me to tell her it's a bit much.. and try to deal with it earlier. With girls i've dated that start messaging me every day.. i'd put up with it for a while even though I don't like it, but i'd fear if I said anything i'd lose them (past experiences with crazies) then eventually I just get sick of it and am like "fuck" and find a way to sabotage it.
But in this situation it's even harder. Like how do you tell your mum who you've only just met after 33 years not to message or call you basically.. not that I don't want her to ever, but women in general seem to take it that way for some reason.
So I felt amazing for a few days, like this process had maybe healed some of the emptiness.. now a whole new intensity is coming up and I don't know how to deal with it right now. It's not exactly a common situation where I can just find someone who's gone through it and ask them.
Unfortunately my old default pattern to this kind of thing is to shut down.
I'm going to goto bed, sit with these feelings a bit and see what comes to find when i'm feeling clearer and have had more sleep.
And i'm also noticing i'm shutting down a bit, because though it's understandable after a lifetime.. my mum is being really needy like messaged me most of the next day after we met, then called me that night (yesterday). I told her that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed but to not take it the wrong way that i'm still grateful.
Then today a missed call and a message. And I replied to her message and she's like "you've been on my mind all day, i'm trying not to be annoying but my heart is bursting with love for you, I don't want to be full on but I may send you a kiss and hug most days just because I love you" and a few more full on things. Combined with everything else i'm saying here I don't think i've ever had anyone in my life ever say anything like that to me before.
It's just like with girls i've dated, if they gave me more space i'd be happy to.. but stuff like this happens and I feel totally smothered and i'm feeling it's making me want to shut down.
I need to explore whatever it is that makes it very difficult for me to tell her it's a bit much.. and try to deal with it earlier. With girls i've dated that start messaging me every day.. i'd put up with it for a while even though I don't like it, but i'd fear if I said anything i'd lose them (past experiences with crazies) then eventually I just get sick of it and am like "fuck" and find a way to sabotage it.
But in this situation it's even harder. Like how do you tell your mum who you've only just met after 33 years not to message or call you basically.. not that I don't want her to ever, but women in general seem to take it that way for some reason.
So I felt amazing for a few days, like this process had maybe healed some of the emptiness.. now a whole new intensity is coming up and I don't know how to deal with it right now. It's not exactly a common situation where I can just find someone who's gone through it and ask them.
Unfortunately my old default pattern to this kind of thing is to shut down.
I'm going to goto bed, sit with these feelings a bit and see what comes to find when i'm feeling clearer and have had more sleep.
