I had decided that tonight I would call my biological mum, I felt okay most of the day but as it got closer and closer to it I got more nervous.
I decided I would at 7pm because that's usually the time everyone is home and has eaten. Before it I meditated and allowed myself to feel the feelings coming up, it didn't really go away but I just decided "ok I can do this" and called.
No answer, voicemail. After that my head started hurting, the feelings got more intense, more feelings of rejection, and briefly I felt like "I can't do this, I just can't call again".
I went and sat down and explored these feelings coming up, meditated, allowed myself to feel them.
I waited until 8pm and I felt better this time, her husband answered (not my dad) and the reception was all fucked and couldn't hear so I hung up and rang again. My voice was a little shaky but I said who I was and my mum was asleep.
But she just woke up. Talked to her for an hour. And I could hear the happiness. And talked about some of the issues, I expressed alot of the things I always wanted to express. Asked her why she put me up for adoption.
She kept saying "I've always wanted to meet you, but you probably don't want to meet me, i'm a horrible person". She's on antidepressants and sounds like there's a whole lot of issues with the family in general, was saying how she just doesn't get along with the guy she's with and such. And a fair bit of negative stuff, but you know what.. I was okay with it and I actually said "That's okay, it's all a part of your life" and I meant it.. that and some of the other stuff I was saying shows the healing that's happened since I started working on this, as alot of it isn't something I would have said in the past.
And the understanding, seriously.. not angry, pissed off, hating her.. the lifelong patterns of that. Understanding, forgiveness.. i'm a little emotional just realizing that in this moment. She was saying how mature I am and how well i've done to take this on and work on it, and how she's guilty that she's been sitting around thinking about me but done nothing all these years, that she should have been the one to make contact as she's meant to be the mature adult and that I shouldn't have had to. I said "The important thing is that were reconnecting now". Alot of other things I won't say here.
Due to the shift I had a few days ago, all the words she said.. some of what she wrote in letters years ago. I believed as genuine, could see her in pain too.. and alot of it was actually me reassuring her.. again showing the value of the healing i've done recently. As most of it I wouldn't have been capable of not that long ago.
But this is what i'm opening up into.. and i'm happy. I'm so glad I made the call and didn't let the fear that was coming up stop me. Finally made the step to do what has been 'haunting' me all my life.
She told me about my brothers and sisters, got my brothers number as he was the one that knew about me the most as he is the oldest and said he will be excited as he always wanted to meet me. She's like 7 hours away from me, but this weekend i'm going to the city and my brother is half an hour away from where i'm staying. So that would be cool t meet him.
Also cool, after it I talked to my adoptive parents and told them. I can pretty much say it was the most open conversation we've ever had in my whole life. I told them how it had made me feel, how I didn't feel prepared to do it until now and such. And they also shared some things that were painful to them, and briefly I said one of the things i've wanted to say in that some of the way they had treated me has always made it hard to be independent. I didn't really expand on it as much as i'd like. But it's something i've never expressed.
And this rarely happens, maybe on a birthday or something.. both of them hugged me, telling me how proud they are of me, that it was a big step for me to do it.
My parents always used to tell me they loved me, but stopped around a teenager because i'd react badly to it, and it's never really been said since. Tonight my dad said it after he hugged me.
All that sounds like nothing, but those things just don't usually happen. The most real conversation i've probably ever had with them. Before doing this I had the feeling it would also open things up with them.
Anyway, i'm so glad I did this.
Holy fuck.. this is a little scary.. but good.
She just texted me and said "I can come to the city for the weekend to meet you". Yes, after talking to her I was starting to worry about this next step wondering when it might happen.
EDIT: Renamed the journal, despite listening to DMSI this journal isn't yet about my whoreness.. it's about wholeness so get your mind out of the gutter
I decided I would at 7pm because that's usually the time everyone is home and has eaten. Before it I meditated and allowed myself to feel the feelings coming up, it didn't really go away but I just decided "ok I can do this" and called.
No answer, voicemail. After that my head started hurting, the feelings got more intense, more feelings of rejection, and briefly I felt like "I can't do this, I just can't call again".
I went and sat down and explored these feelings coming up, meditated, allowed myself to feel them.
I waited until 8pm and I felt better this time, her husband answered (not my dad) and the reception was all fucked and couldn't hear so I hung up and rang again. My voice was a little shaky but I said who I was and my mum was asleep.
But she just woke up. Talked to her for an hour. And I could hear the happiness. And talked about some of the issues, I expressed alot of the things I always wanted to express. Asked her why she put me up for adoption.
She kept saying "I've always wanted to meet you, but you probably don't want to meet me, i'm a horrible person". She's on antidepressants and sounds like there's a whole lot of issues with the family in general, was saying how she just doesn't get along with the guy she's with and such. And a fair bit of negative stuff, but you know what.. I was okay with it and I actually said "That's okay, it's all a part of your life" and I meant it.. that and some of the other stuff I was saying shows the healing that's happened since I started working on this, as alot of it isn't something I would have said in the past.
And the understanding, seriously.. not angry, pissed off, hating her.. the lifelong patterns of that. Understanding, forgiveness.. i'm a little emotional just realizing that in this moment. She was saying how mature I am and how well i've done to take this on and work on it, and how she's guilty that she's been sitting around thinking about me but done nothing all these years, that she should have been the one to make contact as she's meant to be the mature adult and that I shouldn't have had to. I said "The important thing is that were reconnecting now". Alot of other things I won't say here.
Due to the shift I had a few days ago, all the words she said.. some of what she wrote in letters years ago. I believed as genuine, could see her in pain too.. and alot of it was actually me reassuring her.. again showing the value of the healing i've done recently. As most of it I wouldn't have been capable of not that long ago.
But this is what i'm opening up into.. and i'm happy. I'm so glad I made the call and didn't let the fear that was coming up stop me. Finally made the step to do what has been 'haunting' me all my life.
She told me about my brothers and sisters, got my brothers number as he was the one that knew about me the most as he is the oldest and said he will be excited as he always wanted to meet me. She's like 7 hours away from me, but this weekend i'm going to the city and my brother is half an hour away from where i'm staying. So that would be cool t meet him.
Also cool, after it I talked to my adoptive parents and told them. I can pretty much say it was the most open conversation we've ever had in my whole life. I told them how it had made me feel, how I didn't feel prepared to do it until now and such. And they also shared some things that were painful to them, and briefly I said one of the things i've wanted to say in that some of the way they had treated me has always made it hard to be independent. I didn't really expand on it as much as i'd like. But it's something i've never expressed.
And this rarely happens, maybe on a birthday or something.. both of them hugged me, telling me how proud they are of me, that it was a big step for me to do it.
My parents always used to tell me they loved me, but stopped around a teenager because i'd react badly to it, and it's never really been said since. Tonight my dad said it after he hugged me.
All that sounds like nothing, but those things just don't usually happen. The most real conversation i've probably ever had with them. Before doing this I had the feeling it would also open things up with them.
Anyway, i'm so glad I did this.
Holy fuck.. this is a little scary.. but good.
She just texted me and said "I can come to the city for the weekend to meet you". Yes, after talking to her I was starting to worry about this next step wondering when it might happen.
EDIT: Renamed the journal, despite listening to DMSI this journal isn't yet about my whoreness.. it's about wholeness so get your mind out of the gutter
