A learning about judgement that come up yesterday.
A guy at the gym I was kind of friends with i've been pissed off with because he's been weird with me, especially when he come in with a girl. And yesterday he come in and talked to a girl and I realized I was judging it a bit, and that he was annoying me so much because i'm seeing some of myself in him. Like when he come in with that girl he was weird with me, acting pissed off at something but then would talk to her all nice and politely because she's a girl and he's interested in her. But I realized 'that's what I have done in the past' and that I was judging him yesterday because he talks to alot of younger girls in the gym.. well I do the same.
Anyway I talked to a girl who I like for some reason though we haven't really 'connected'. I just want her. I noticed the feelings of 'needing' girls come up alot yesterday, especially with her.
Well I talked to her, felt a bit weird about it and I looked up and he was there talking to this other girl and they were both staring at me and she was laughing.
And instantly I shut down a little because I automatically think they are laughing at me and judging me for talking to her.
And a moment later I realize that's just a judgement I'M making, and it's due to past experiences of getting picked on all the time at school, so when i'm around people who are laughing the automatic response is to think they are laughing at me. When most of the time that isn't true at all. Unfortunately the same response when girls giggle near me, which is a sign of attraction but at the feeling level I think they are picking on me.
I explored it and why did this shut me down? Because i'm judging MYSELF.. for the desire towards this girl, for talking to her and such and i'm projecting it to these other people aswell as judging that guy for the same thing i'm doing.
If I wasn't judging myself then it wouldn't really matter if they were or not, i'd just go with my expression and be comfortable with it.
So I did some exploration around that today. Yet again one of the core wounded emotions i'm holding onto being projected onto situations.
I woke up last night really pissed off at this dude, like he's gone from a friend to when i've seen him recently being a fuckhead, and even giving me shit in front of this girl he come in with.. and that was the most he talked to me that day.
When I woke up I realized "I get it now.. basically i'm his competition". It hasn't come up before in the few years i've known him and I hadn't seen him for a long time until recently. I didn't really know him to talk to that many girls but it seems he is now.. and i'm some kind of threat because i'm his competition. Suddenly the behaviour makes sense.
That plus alot of the way he is acting reminds me of myself and my patterns which is partly why it's pissing me off so much I think. And my judgements towards him mirror my own judgements towards myself.
A guy at the gym I was kind of friends with i've been pissed off with because he's been weird with me, especially when he come in with a girl. And yesterday he come in and talked to a girl and I realized I was judging it a bit, and that he was annoying me so much because i'm seeing some of myself in him. Like when he come in with that girl he was weird with me, acting pissed off at something but then would talk to her all nice and politely because she's a girl and he's interested in her. But I realized 'that's what I have done in the past' and that I was judging him yesterday because he talks to alot of younger girls in the gym.. well I do the same.
Anyway I talked to a girl who I like for some reason though we haven't really 'connected'. I just want her. I noticed the feelings of 'needing' girls come up alot yesterday, especially with her.
Well I talked to her, felt a bit weird about it and I looked up and he was there talking to this other girl and they were both staring at me and she was laughing.
And instantly I shut down a little because I automatically think they are laughing at me and judging me for talking to her.
And a moment later I realize that's just a judgement I'M making, and it's due to past experiences of getting picked on all the time at school, so when i'm around people who are laughing the automatic response is to think they are laughing at me. When most of the time that isn't true at all. Unfortunately the same response when girls giggle near me, which is a sign of attraction but at the feeling level I think they are picking on me.
I explored it and why did this shut me down? Because i'm judging MYSELF.. for the desire towards this girl, for talking to her and such and i'm projecting it to these other people aswell as judging that guy for the same thing i'm doing.
If I wasn't judging myself then it wouldn't really matter if they were or not, i'd just go with my expression and be comfortable with it.
So I did some exploration around that today. Yet again one of the core wounded emotions i'm holding onto being projected onto situations.
I woke up last night really pissed off at this dude, like he's gone from a friend to when i've seen him recently being a fuckhead, and even giving me shit in front of this girl he come in with.. and that was the most he talked to me that day.
When I woke up I realized "I get it now.. basically i'm his competition". It hasn't come up before in the few years i've known him and I hadn't seen him for a long time until recently. I didn't really know him to talk to that many girls but it seems he is now.. and i'm some kind of threat because i'm his competition. Suddenly the behaviour makes sense.
That plus alot of the way he is acting reminds me of myself and my patterns which is partly why it's pissing me off so much I think. And my judgements towards him mirror my own judgements towards myself.
