Started a different Inner Child Meditation last night, and still doing the original one in the morning. After I did it last night I was laying there feeling joy. It seems pretty powerful. It was all about letting your Inner Child express everything without you interrupting and after it I felt so good like "Wow.. I really needed to express those things and get it out."
Went to the gym, everything just was good.. talked to almost everyone more than usual. Flirted with one girl without caring if I 'got' anything from her.
And I just enjoyed people. The best way to explain it was just me being 'normal' but without those deep wounded feelings I mentioned I was filtering the world through. I noticed 'rejection' come up briefly but I identified it and said to myself "ok the feeling of rejection is coming up" told myself that I can't control how others respond only how I do and allowed myself to feel it and it passed. These are the things i'm learning at the moment and it's valuable, especially starting to be able to use it in the moment.. though sometimes I forget about it totally and default to old patterns.
And I left and after it I felt everything was good.. and I was like "Yes.. i'm finally getting it, i've solved it". And I felt like I didn't need girls anymore and it was ok. Not in the way of giving them up, but not the same 'need'.
But.. almost every time i've had that thought in the past then I have a big upheaval after it.
And tonight the feelings come back in force, wanting a girl, feeling like crap, and feeling like a girl would make me feel better. I briefly considered being with girls again and realized it's only been 3 weeks.
Then I went and browsed a few dating sites and alot of anger come up that I thought I had dealt with, and some pretty harsh thoughts running through my head.
Definately totally different than earlier today.
It seems that interacting with them knowing i'm not wanting to be with girls at the moment it's flowing naturally.. though until today that wasn't really happening and then when I looked at dating profiles with the thought of being with them that's what brought up the emotions more.
At the moment going to the one extreme is fine to heal, but eventually it also requires taking mascuilne action to move it forward with them when I feel ready to again.. and that brings up fears and old rejections and such, but that's part of the core feelings i'm working on I guess.
Also i've noticed a weird tendency that at the moment i've been judging myself for wanting girls, for the natural response of wanting to move towards them like I feel shame and guilt about that.. and I don't want to create more of that by stopping myself doing so. I think I realized that last night and decided to stop judging myself for that and be okay with it and it ended up today with more flirting and stuff.
So if it makes sense, basically I want to allow that natural 'pull' to happen and me follow it and talk to them, flirt with them or whatever but in the end not have the NEED to take it anywhere, I can just choose to in the moment if i'm feeling it or not and be okay either way. That is the place to reach when I decide it's time to go for it again.
But so much for thinking earlier today "I don't need girls anymore, I can do this easily" then tonight it all come back in force.
The main practice at the moment is learning to be mindful of when it comes up and allowing it to just be there. At times it's got pretty strong when i've been allowing myself to dig into it at home and I notice alot of the deep wounded feelings feel very similar in my body and that I also brace in places against it like my forehead tightens up or my shoulders or my upper body and makes me want to rock back and forwards but tonight I realized it was bracing against it.
And learning to just embrace all those feelings i've pushed down.. it seems sometimes they are endless but each time I really take the time to do this I feel better.
It's not exactly 'fun' but willingly doing this, opening up to it and facing it is different..
In Inner Bonding they say that suffering is when you're feeling these things, trying to push it down, ignore it, use addictions to numb it, running away, whatever.. that is suffering and you're stuck.
But consciously facing it.. turning into it.. though it's not the most fun thing to do.. it's different than suffering. It's empowering. I had the thought earlier that doing this with these strong emotions is showing me that I can handle things when they come up instead of running away, hiding or turning to something to numb it and I believe that will be valuable in the moment too.
DMSI is the rabbit hole it seems.
Went to the gym, everything just was good.. talked to almost everyone more than usual. Flirted with one girl without caring if I 'got' anything from her.
And I just enjoyed people. The best way to explain it was just me being 'normal' but without those deep wounded feelings I mentioned I was filtering the world through. I noticed 'rejection' come up briefly but I identified it and said to myself "ok the feeling of rejection is coming up" told myself that I can't control how others respond only how I do and allowed myself to feel it and it passed. These are the things i'm learning at the moment and it's valuable, especially starting to be able to use it in the moment.. though sometimes I forget about it totally and default to old patterns.
And I left and after it I felt everything was good.. and I was like "Yes.. i'm finally getting it, i've solved it". And I felt like I didn't need girls anymore and it was ok. Not in the way of giving them up, but not the same 'need'.
But.. almost every time i've had that thought in the past then I have a big upheaval after it.
And tonight the feelings come back in force, wanting a girl, feeling like crap, and feeling like a girl would make me feel better. I briefly considered being with girls again and realized it's only been 3 weeks.
Then I went and browsed a few dating sites and alot of anger come up that I thought I had dealt with, and some pretty harsh thoughts running through my head.
Definately totally different than earlier today.
It seems that interacting with them knowing i'm not wanting to be with girls at the moment it's flowing naturally.. though until today that wasn't really happening and then when I looked at dating profiles with the thought of being with them that's what brought up the emotions more.
At the moment going to the one extreme is fine to heal, but eventually it also requires taking mascuilne action to move it forward with them when I feel ready to again.. and that brings up fears and old rejections and such, but that's part of the core feelings i'm working on I guess.
Also i've noticed a weird tendency that at the moment i've been judging myself for wanting girls, for the natural response of wanting to move towards them like I feel shame and guilt about that.. and I don't want to create more of that by stopping myself doing so. I think I realized that last night and decided to stop judging myself for that and be okay with it and it ended up today with more flirting and stuff.
So if it makes sense, basically I want to allow that natural 'pull' to happen and me follow it and talk to them, flirt with them or whatever but in the end not have the NEED to take it anywhere, I can just choose to in the moment if i'm feeling it or not and be okay either way. That is the place to reach when I decide it's time to go for it again.
But so much for thinking earlier today "I don't need girls anymore, I can do this easily" then tonight it all come back in force.
The main practice at the moment is learning to be mindful of when it comes up and allowing it to just be there. At times it's got pretty strong when i've been allowing myself to dig into it at home and I notice alot of the deep wounded feelings feel very similar in my body and that I also brace in places against it like my forehead tightens up or my shoulders or my upper body and makes me want to rock back and forwards but tonight I realized it was bracing against it.
And learning to just embrace all those feelings i've pushed down.. it seems sometimes they are endless but each time I really take the time to do this I feel better.
It's not exactly 'fun' but willingly doing this, opening up to it and facing it is different..
In Inner Bonding they say that suffering is when you're feeling these things, trying to push it down, ignore it, use addictions to numb it, running away, whatever.. that is suffering and you're stuck.
But consciously facing it.. turning into it.. though it's not the most fun thing to do.. it's different than suffering. It's empowering. I had the thought earlier that doing this with these strong emotions is showing me that I can handle things when they come up instead of running away, hiding or turning to something to numb it and I believe that will be valuable in the moment too.
DMSI is the rabbit hole it seems.
