08-02-2017, 01:52 PM
The return to A has brought more resistance with it. As has been common for me with inner turmoil on A, I've spent the past couple of days feeling guilt bound tightly to a fear of authority, as if I'm awaiting final and inescapable condemnation for my mistakes (whether sins or just errors). Not sure how it applies to DMSI's actual goal, but, as a reaction to OGSF (or anti-perfectionist?) scripting, it may make sense.
Felt inspired to shop for new clothes on Sunday. Life hurdles are less distracting than last week, but new ones have still been cropping up. Had a decent cry yesterday morning, but my mood's no lighter from it.
Two women that I've known online since the late 90s have each admitted similar things about me in the past week: One says that she feels more like herself when she talks to me. The other thanked me for helping sculpt her into the person that that she is today.
On the more IRL side of things (but via email, in this case), my emotional connection with the FWB seems to be returning to normal. Being back on A (slowly) seems like it's meeting my intentions for the swap back from B.
Also, in reference to my last post, I'm thinking that my condensed social time also stems from that same need-avoidance. To be enjoyed intensely and briefly in both directions (on my terms), and, then, out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Remembered as having been, but not as still being. Burning brightly and then fading into nothingness before I can be caught and used up. Makes me feel somewhat will-o'-the-wisp, as if I don't exist to others except while visible. Not that everyone isn't temporary in more than one sense, but I wonder if I'm living like a preemptive ghost in multiple connotations of the phrase. I'm also still undecided if that's a negative, a positive, a neutral, or all of them at once.
Felt inspired to shop for new clothes on Sunday. Life hurdles are less distracting than last week, but new ones have still been cropping up. Had a decent cry yesterday morning, but my mood's no lighter from it.
Two women that I've known online since the late 90s have each admitted similar things about me in the past week: One says that she feels more like herself when she talks to me. The other thanked me for helping sculpt her into the person that that she is today.
On the more IRL side of things (but via email, in this case), my emotional connection with the FWB seems to be returning to normal. Being back on A (slowly) seems like it's meeting my intentions for the swap back from B.
Also, in reference to my last post, I'm thinking that my condensed social time also stems from that same need-avoidance. To be enjoyed intensely and briefly in both directions (on my terms), and, then, out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Remembered as having been, but not as still being. Burning brightly and then fading into nothingness before I can be caught and used up. Makes me feel somewhat will-o'-the-wisp, as if I don't exist to others except while visible. Not that everyone isn't temporary in more than one sense, but I wonder if I'm living like a preemptive ghost in multiple connotations of the phrase. I'm also still undecided if that's a negative, a positive, a neutral, or all of them at once.
