07-27-2017, 03:04 PM
2 days of 1 loop, and now 2 days of being rocked by resistance. Fuck me.
I went to the gym earlier, and the dude I don't want to talk to was there. I waited in my car until he came out and left, which was later than he ever leaves. That threw off my day plan by 30 minutes. I was going to work out and go straight to the pool. Well, while working out, I realized I forgot a towel, so I had to go back home after to grab one. Then at home I thought, "Why not, I'll run my 1 loop while I have a post-workout shake and a bowl of cereal and then I'll be cracklin' with energy at the pool."
Ran the loop, and suddenly I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Should have seen that one coming. Been emotional since, no ups and all downs. Well, until now.
As I sat on my couch, trying to ignore how I felt by binge watching a show on Netflix, I thought about how I could get women to do what I wanted them to - and about how it was futile. There was/is nothing I could consciously do, and I'm clearly not executing. Then I thought about all the things I *should* be doing instead of sitting on my ass. I *should* get out of the house, but to where? No good ideas or feelings about where to go were coming to me. Go to some local festival and walk around aimlessly with a thump up my ass? No thanks. Call up old friends? Nah. Go to a movie? Nope. I literally just want to do nothing, but at the same time had the feeling of something in my heading screaming, "I NEED TO ESCAPE! I NEED TO *DO* SOMETHING!"
Now my body is thrumming with energy, because I realized that the part of my mind that always wants/needs to escape has been cut off from the traditional escape routes. Do I want to go drown in alcohol? Nope. The fridge is stocked with beer, and I don't want any. Not even one beer. Do I want to go feed my face with pizza and ice cream? Nope. Doesn't even sound good, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let all my hard work in the gym get sabotaged by eating my feelings. Even running out the door to do something - anything - is gone (that's what I used to do when I was young and lived with my parents - always doing something with someone somewhere. Anything would do.)
I guess this needed to happen. I needed to sit here with that resistant little shit part of my mind and let it realize it's cornered, and the escape routes are whittled down to nothing. The only thing I don't know (which is a little unsettling), is...What happens now?
I went to the gym earlier, and the dude I don't want to talk to was there. I waited in my car until he came out and left, which was later than he ever leaves. That threw off my day plan by 30 minutes. I was going to work out and go straight to the pool. Well, while working out, I realized I forgot a towel, so I had to go back home after to grab one. Then at home I thought, "Why not, I'll run my 1 loop while I have a post-workout shake and a bowl of cereal and then I'll be cracklin' with energy at the pool."
Ran the loop, and suddenly I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. Should have seen that one coming. Been emotional since, no ups and all downs. Well, until now.
As I sat on my couch, trying to ignore how I felt by binge watching a show on Netflix, I thought about how I could get women to do what I wanted them to - and about how it was futile. There was/is nothing I could consciously do, and I'm clearly not executing. Then I thought about all the things I *should* be doing instead of sitting on my ass. I *should* get out of the house, but to where? No good ideas or feelings about where to go were coming to me. Go to some local festival and walk around aimlessly with a thump up my ass? No thanks. Call up old friends? Nah. Go to a movie? Nope. I literally just want to do nothing, but at the same time had the feeling of something in my heading screaming, "I NEED TO ESCAPE! I NEED TO *DO* SOMETHING!"
Now my body is thrumming with energy, because I realized that the part of my mind that always wants/needs to escape has been cut off from the traditional escape routes. Do I want to go drown in alcohol? Nope. The fridge is stocked with beer, and I don't want any. Not even one beer. Do I want to go feed my face with pizza and ice cream? Nope. Doesn't even sound good, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let all my hard work in the gym get sabotaged by eating my feelings. Even running out the door to do something - anything - is gone (that's what I used to do when I was young and lived with my parents - always doing something with someone somewhere. Anything would do.)
I guess this needed to happen. I needed to sit here with that resistant little shit part of my mind and let it realize it's cornered, and the escape routes are whittled down to nothing. The only thing I don't know (which is a little unsettling), is...What happens now?
